You can sift through the racc list archive
https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
or you can try google groups racc for the whole issue of LNH vII #50.

And this is part three of the Big Mega Multi-Writer Issue of LNH vII #50.
There were Eight LNH Writers involved in the writing of this and they
are as follow: Jeanne Morningstar, Rob Rogers, Scott Eiler,
Dave Van Domelen, Arthur Spitzer (me), Drew Nilium, Martin Phipps, and
Saxon Brenton.

And some more Dorf/LNH action! Will the Dorfs come in a
superawesomegrimdarkmegadreadnought? Will Irony Man start a musical
number? Will Fearless Leader have to do some paperwork? Will we
have some scroll carrying owlbears? Will Horrible Name Lad come up
with some horrible names?

Find out in...

_
| | Classic
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES

ADVENTURES #223

=====================
LNH vII #50 Part Three
=====================

From: Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Date: Sun Nov 2 16:20:29 PST 2014

--LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

The Dorf superawesomegrimdarkmegadreadnought burned through space,
cherry-red glow from its engines throwing off nasty, angry radiation. In
its fetid bowels -- which, really, was the whole place -- the black
thing known as the Heart of the Prophet sat, pulsating hatefully. A Dorf
scientist laid vials of yellowish liquid in a semicircle before it, and
watched as they began to froth.

"The technopriests didn't fuck up," he breathed reverently. "The
Heart is mutating the virus into a form that expresses the essence of
the Prophet!"

"Yes," said General Jarrek, "and when we infect the LNH, it will be
the power of their own rage that resurrects him!"

"What an idiotic plan!" shouted a Dorf trooper, stamping over and
getting in General Jarrek's face. "The LNH has scientists, doctors,
mystics! They'll whip up a cure and we'll be screwed!"

Jarrek leaned in, pressing his nose into the trooper's and shouting
into his ear. "Gee, asshole, y'think? That's why it keeps mutating into
new strains, laying dormant, spreading and reinfecting!"

"Hah!" laughed Marshall LaRocque, crumpling a beer can on his head.
"They'll think they got it licked, and BAMMO!"

"Yeah... and those fuckers will finally pay..." Jarrek turned away
from the dazed trooper to stare into the churning liquid, his gaze a
thousand lightyears away...

--LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

Outside, Seyfert whizzed toward the ship, the gems on his Quintom
bands glowing. He'd waited until they were clear of Topphorti system
space to close in. He'd get in, grab the Heart, and bring it to the LNH.
Kid Kirby would know some way to deal with a--

PAIN! Psychic energy lashed through his body, of no substance but
nonetheless effective. He staggered and turned to face his assailant.

It was a flat, shifting shape of skin. The surface seemed to be
painted almost as a parody of the concept of "hot girl"; blond hair,
tanned skin, skimpy clothes, all rendered in undulating 2D.

"Now, you weren't thinking of leaving Slickshiver behind, were you?"
She growled in a disturbing facsimile of flirting and raised her hands,
flat fingers tapering off into long, sharp blades. "Lemme see that body
*shake*!"

--LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

The elevator doors whisked open with a pleasant hum as Irony Man,
Cynical Lass, Poignant Death Lass and Painful Pun Person stepped inside.
An upbeat, instrumental version of Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To
Know" played over the elevator speakers. Poignant Death Lass reached
forward and pressed the (-50) button on the elevator keypad.

"So," said Poignant Death Lass, turning to Irony Man as the doors
sealed themselves shut and the elevator began its descent. "What do you
remember about the early days of the LNH? Do you remember anything?"

Irony Man placed a hand on either side of his helmet. With a hiss,
the helmet disengaged, and Irony Man removed it from his head, staring
at his own reflection in the shining golden faceplate.

"Now and then I think of those days with the Legion
Like when Doctor Killfile told the whole world that
we'd die," he sang.
"I told myself we were an elite group
Though we often acted like 'F Troop'
And things got stranger every time we'd add a member."

"What's he doing?" Poignant Death Lass whispered.
"It's a musical interlude," Cynical Lass said. "You get used to them
after a while."

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of power
Or resentful of the fact that you'll always be number
two -- of this crew," Irony Man continued.
"When the universal crisis came
And the people shouted out my name
I would have been a fool if I didn't think it over."
Irony Man looked up from his helmet.
"But you didn't have to cut me off
Treat me like I'm an old man and my time is over
And I never needed to lead
But you hired my replacement and left me out of this
cross-over
You didn't have to stoop so low
Make it like I never served and my achievements zero
And I don't want to be a villain
But now I'm just somebody who's an ex-hero
Now I'm just somebody who's an ex-hero."

Cynical Lass turned, walked in front of Irony Man (no easy feat,
given the closeness of the elevator) and stepped up onto the armored
hero's toes, so that the two stood face-to-face.

"Now and then I think of when you joined Hex Luthor
Treating the LNH as just another bunch of toys you
owned," she sang.
"When our man of steel had turned to rust
You became someone we couldn't trust
And now you hang around like we're the ones made you
an ex-hero..."

"But you didn't have to cut me off," Irony Man sang.
"Get PR Kid to have Hasbro resculpt my action figure
And I don't really need the dough
But I'll bet Richard Nixon never felt this low."

"Oh, oh," sang Poignant Death Lass and Painful Pun Person, much to
their surprise.

"And now I'm blaming Mark Millar
For disregarding characterization in his Civil War
'Cause I've become my greatest foe
Now I'm just somebody who's an ex-hero," Irony Man sang.

"An ex-hero," Cynical Lass echoed.

"Now I'm just somebody who's an ex-hero..."

Irony Man sighed, and replaced the helmet on his head.

"Wow," Poignant Death Lass said, turning to Cynical Lass. "You have
a really nice voice. Like that British singer. You know... the one who's
not dead...?"

"Adele?" Painful Pun Person suggested.

"Right," Poignant Death Lass said.

"We will never... speak... of this... again," Cynical Lass said.

"The elevator's stopping," Poignant Death Lass said. "But we're only
at the 49th floor. I didn't realize anybody else was down here."

"Several life forms are approaching the doors," said Irony Man,
whose voice had regained its metallic timbre.

"Life forms?" Poignant Death Lass asked. "Don't you mean..."

The doors opened, and an enormous, scythe-like beak snapped shut
less than half an inch from Poignant Death Lass' face.

"WHAT THE HELL(tm) IS THAT?" she gasped.

"That... is a moa," said Irony Man, raising his gauntlets.

"WHAT'S A MOA?" asked Poignant Death Lass, scrambling to get out of
the way as the creature -- an enormous, wingless, two-legged bird with
sickle-shaped claws at the end of its talons -- leaped forward again.

"It's an island chain in the South Pacific," Painful Pun Person
said. "Or a variety of Girl Scout cookie."

"A moa is a large, flightless bird from New Zealand," Irony Man
said, as two more of the creatures appeared in the sub-basement. "Like a
kiwi. Except they're extremely dangerous. And supposedly extinct."

"Is this what happens to the LNH's kiwis when they get Dorfed out?"
Poignant Death Lass asked.

"It's possible," Cynical Lass said. "Of course, I wouldn't be
surprised if some super-secret, quasi-governmental organization had been
storing a flock of cloned moas right under our noses. Either way, it
looks like we have a fight on our hands..."

On 11/21/21 4:16 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:

<snip>
> The Dorf superawesomegrimdarkmegadreadnought

I absolutely had to use that name. <3

> In its fetid bowels -- which, really, was the whole place --

I still love this joke. X3

> "The technopriests didn't fuck up," he breathed reverently.

Notably, one subtle thing I tried to do is to have the Dorfs use real swears
while everyone else uses @#&!-style censored swears, to emphasize their anger
and crudeness. I might have messed that up somewhere, tho. X3

> "What an idiotic plan!" shouted a Dorf trooper, stamping over and
> getting in General Jarrek's face. "The LNH has scientists, doctors,
> mystics! They'll whip up a cure and we'll be screwed!"
>
> Jarrek leaned in, pressing his nose into the trooper's and shouting
> into his ear. "Gee, asshole, y'think? That's why it keeps mutating into
> new strains, laying dormant, spreading and reinfecting!"

This part mirrors the part where a trooper showed Jarrek proper respect and got
murderized. This, presumably, is how you're supposed to do it.

> "Now, you weren't thinking of leaving Slickshiver behind, were you?"
> She growled in a disturbing facsimile of flirting and raised her hands,
> flat fingers tapering off into long, sharp blades. "Lemme see that body
> *shake*!"

Notably, Slickshiver is the only New Mod/Net.God we'd seen in the "main"
universe other than Flipseid and OMAR. (Or, she was meant to be, but by the time
this came out I'd put Autotune in Flame Wars Final.) Jeanne did a really good
story with her in Liminals #2 - went way past what I established here. <3

> "Now and then I think of those days with the Legion
> Like when Doctor Killfile told the whole world that
> we'd die," he sang.
> "I told myself we were an elite group
> Though we often acted like 'F Troop'
> And things got stranger every time we'd add a member."
>
> "What's he doing?" Poignant Death Lass whispered.
> "It's a musical interlude," Cynical Lass said. "You get used to them
> after a while."

Rob is so fucking good at these. X3 I was going to add another one of these to
the finished story - something else very 2012, maybe Gangnam Style? - but by the
time I was finishing the issue up, it felt like just another thing that'd slow
it down.

> "And now I'm blaming Mark Millar
> For disregarding characterization in his Civil War
> 'Cause I've become my greatest foe
> Now I'm just somebody who's an ex-hero," Irony Man sang.
>
> "An ex-hero," Cynical Lass echoed.
>
> "Now I'm just somebody who's an ex-hero..."
>
> Irony Man sighed, and replaced the helmet on his head.

Note that the retcon later makes this extra interesting.

> "A moa is a large, flightless bird from New Zealand," Irony Man
> said, as two more of the creatures appeared in the sub-basement. "Like a
> kiwi. Except they're extremely dangerous. And supposedly extinct."
>
> "Is this what happens to the LNH's kiwis when they get Dorfed out?"
> Poignant Death Lass asked.
>
> "It's possible," Cynical Lass said. "Of course, I wouldn't be
> surprised if some super-secret, quasi-governmental organization had been
> storing a flock of cloned moas right under our noses.

I like how this question is never actually resolved - it adds to the weirdness
of the sub-basements.

> Either way, it
> looks like we have a fight on our hands..."
>
> "...moa or lass," Painful Pun Person finished, as the flock of giant
> birds rushed the elevator.

eeeeeeeheeheeheehee :D

> Namer Boy stuck his head into the Administrative Office, which in
> itself might be considered one of the braver things most LNHers could
> do.

Note, Dave wrote this scene up by itself - which, we were all writing pieces of
the story out of order - and was like "Put any character in who fits", so I did. n.n

> Fearless Leader looked up from one of the computer tablets spread
> out on the desk in front of him. There was no good reason all the
> paperwork couldn't be done on a single machine, of course, which was why
> the five government organizations he liaised with each insisted he use
> one that they had supplied and cleared. Never mind that Renegade
> Programmer had found dozens of security holes in each of them within a
> few seconds, so it wasn't like they were more trustworthy than just
> using the LNHQ's systems. But, well, bureaucracy.

Fuckin' hierarchies, man.

> A real doozy just landed
> on us too... something retconned out a few dozen net.heroes and
> net.villains, and there's all sorts of forms that have to be filled out
> before all my memories realign to the new continuity."

I *think* this was a de-Martin-ing reference, but it might just have been "yeah
this shit happens all the time, nbd".

> "Um, wouldn't the forms themselves be retconned when everything
> settles out?" Namer Boy asked.
>
> "Well, yes. But the memory of my having filled them out will remain,
> and that's really all that matters to the oversight committee,"

Heeheehee.

> He didn't exactly appreciate some of the locker room
> innuendo about him and Ripping Dancer, although given the shifting
> nature of the timelines around the LNH, it was entirely possible that
> the innuendo was merely open secrets in a passing retcon. Yet another
> reason to keep from getting too close... the "Writers" tended to run
> roughshod over the relationships of "minor characters" like himself; for
> all he knew, there was a point where he'd married Dancer, and another
> where she'd died in his arms without ever having kissed. As long as he
> didn't *try* to get too close, he wouldn't be hurt when some cosmic
> force decided that Ripping Dancer really had always been in love with
> someone else.

You know, it's interesting... having started reading LNH when I was 12, I
internalized a lot of the meta "it's bad when Writers are thoughtless about
characters" stuff, and I feel like that influenced my whole approach to
characterization, resulting in me pretty much not doing the above. o3o If I'm
fucking with you it's because you're close to the center of the narrative,
goshdarnit! That's when it counts!!

> He held out his glowing palm. "What if these really are Moa, and
> they're the last of their species? I-- I don't think I'd commit
> genocide..."

This was a characterization addition to build towards the retcon. n.n

> "Who would have thought there was so much in Irony Man's head?" said
> Cynical Lass.
>
> Irony Man rolled his eyes. "Come on!" he said.

Heeheehee

> "Badly. General Jarrek appeared and immediately killed Cannon
> Fodder! He then mind controlled the August One -- that is, the original
> Occultism Kid -- and Shoots-Arrows-Out-of-His-Butt Lad."

As you may be able to tell, this was a Martin bit, tho I rewrote a lot of the
dialog.

> "So the last time an LNH origin was written, it was based on
> Avengers #1," Painful Pun Person said, "and now the revamped origin of
> the LNH is a ripoff of the Avengers movie? That's an homage too far, if
> you ask me."

And this is the typical Martin move of trying to finish a group project that's
stretching out by slamming in an anticlimactic ending. o3o; But then Rob picked
it up and...

> Cynical Lass shot him a withering look. "So that's all it was. You
> had a fling with her. That's your big secret. Come on! So Toony Stork,
> legendary billionaire and playboy, had a fling with a teammate. I could
> have figured that out without even asking. Is that supposed to be the
> Big Secret this whole story's revolving around?"

Well, turned it into a character/plot moment. n.n

> "I have the power to sense poignant deaths," said (obviously)
> Poignant Death Lass. (Unfortunately, Sister-State-The-Obvious was
> nowhere in sight.) "And I feel a great loss in this place, so great that
> it still feels as painful now as the moment it happened. A voice crying
> out through the ages, forever unheard." She sniffled. "It's beautiful."

This feels like an important PDL moment. <3

> "Uh..." said Painful Pun Person, who'd been quiet the whole time,
> "don't you mean *owl* be damned?"
>
> "Gaah!" The impact of the pun knocked her off her feet. "Don't do
> that!"
>
> "Uh... sorry, I can't always control my powers very well..."