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CAULIFLOWER THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE POOCH

#4 (out of 4)

Beyond Heaven and Hell

The Incredible Man-With-No-Life flipped through another magazine. It
was an issue of Net.tion.al Geo.graph.GIF. It had a big cover story on
Andale Atoll. There were pictures of the Andale Atoll beaches filled
with bikini-clad tourists sunbathing. There was also an interview with
Acton Lord in it. It was a pretty cheesy interview. Acton Lord went on
about the corruption of environmental protectionism and also slammed
Sig.Lad and the LNH. There was a lot of stuff in the article about
Robot Invasion. How old was this magazine? The Incredible
Man-With-No-Life looked at the cover. July 1994. Damn. That would
have been around the time of Retcon Hour. God, these magazines were
old. Hell, they probably weren't even in continuity. One of these days
he was going to have to tell someone to buy some updated magazines for
the waiting hallway. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life put the magazine
back in the magazine pile and picked another. Off in the distance, he
could hear the sound of Captain Clean-up's vacuum cleaner.

Occultism Kid returned yesterday with the Pinecone from the One True
Christmas Tree. A pinecone that would, according to legend, heal anyone
who believed in The Power of Christmas. Right now Organic Lass, Dr.
Stomper, Kid Kirby, Occultism Kid, and Vapid Veterinarian were in a room
trying to save Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch with that very
pinecone. And of course they would, wouldn't they? They had to. This
was a Christmas story. And that's how Christmas stories worked. They
always had a happy ending. Then again, this might be one of those
cynical postmodern type Christmas Stories, which deconstructs the whole
Christmas story genre. And if that was the case who knew what would
happen. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life sighed. This waiting was
killing him. He couldn't keep it up anymore. He wanted Cauliflower to
either be cured or dead. Something absolute. Something that resolved
all of this.

And after awhile, The Incredible Man-With-No-Life got that resolution.
Organic Lass, Dr. Stomper, Kid Kirby, Occultism Kid, and Vapid
Veterinarian all walked out of the room together. Each one except for
Kid Kirby looked exhausted.

"Well? Did it work?" asked The Incredible Man-With-No-Life. "Did the
pinecone work? Is Cauliflower all right?"

At first none of them answered. And they probably didn't need to answer
since the grave defeated look on each one of their faces answered the
question. Finally, Kid Kirby spoke. "Our will was strong, Incredible
Man-With-No-Life, but..." Kid Kirby gave a pause as if he really didn't
want to finish what he'd been saying. Finally, he did finish. "But the
Writer -- The Writer's will was stronger."

And somewhere, Captain Clean-up's vacuum cleaner filled the empty
silence with noise.

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There he was. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life saw the body on the
examining table. Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch's lifeless
body. He was dead. A few hours ago, he had been alive. But now? He
was dead. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life lightly brushed the fur on
Cauliflower's head with his hand.

"I'm sorry." The voice came from Occultism Kid who also was standing
there. "I must have picked the wrong tree. I must have. I thought it
was the right one. Should have searched longer."

"It's all right, Occultism Kid," The Incredible Man-With-No-Life
responded. "You tried. You went to Hell, and tried. Maybe there was
no tree. Maybe it was just a myth."

"Maybe. Hopefully, you're right. Just don't know." Occultism Kid
scratched his head.

"You know?" The Incredible Man-With-No-Life said looking at Occultism
Kid. "There's always one thing I wondered about Cauliflower. Where he
came from. We never found that out. He never talked about his past."

"I've got all kinds of sources in the Occult world. I'm sure they could
dig something up if you want," Occultism Kid suggested.

"It's tempting, but.." The Incredible Man-With-No-Life shook his head,
"Cauliflower wanted his past to be a secret. I don't know why he wanted
it to be, but he did. As much as I'd like to know, I've got to respect
that secrecy. Maybe he had good reasons for his secrets. Or maybe
there were some skeletons that Cauliflower didn't want us to know about.
Maybe Cauliflower was some kind of supervillain who had committed
horrible crimes and he came to Net.ropolis for some kind of redemption.
Or maybe not. I don't know. He didn't want us to know his past and
we have to respect that. Because of what he did."

"Yeah. You're probably right. Although as a betting man, I'd say that
his past was probably cleaner than most people, IMWNL."

There were a few seconds of silence as the two heroes stared at their
fallen comrade. Then the Incredible Man-With-No-Life resumed the
conversation. "You know. Considering all of the things Cauliflower did
while he was here, you would almost expect him to just rise up from the
dead. Don't you?"

Occultism Kid put his hand on The Incredible Man-With-No-Life's
shoulder. "Don't think so. I don't think that's going to happen, IMWNL."

"Yeah. You're probably right," The Incredible Man-With-No-Life said
petting Cauliflower one last time. "You're probably right."

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Christmas Day

"The Brotherhood of Net.Villains sends their condolences. Out of
respect for Cauliflower they will refrain from attacking the LNH and
Net.ropolis for one week," Kyoko Ishikawa said reading a message pad in
her left hand.

"Yeah, right. I believe that," the Ultimate Ninja said rolling his
eyes. "I want surveillance doubled on all their members."

Kyoko scribbled something on a sheet of paper. "Oh, and there are these
two cults. One called the Church of the Living Cauliflower. The other
the Church of the Miracle Pooch. They both are requesting that the LNH
hand over Cauliflower's body over to their specific churches."

"That's just great. Well, tell them that they're too late. We already
handed Cauliflower's body to the Cult of the Cauliflower Pickers."

"We did what -- ?" Kyoko did a double take before she realized that the
Ultimate Ninja wasn't being serious. "Oh. I see. So where is this
'Cult of the Cauliflower Pickers' located?"

The Ultimate Ninja rubbed his chin as he thought about it. Finally he
answered, "Hmm. The Northpole sounds like a good location."

"The Northpole. Gotcha. Oh, and Oliver Stone called. He wants to
examine Cauliflower's body."

"Oliver Stone? Okay, this ought to be good. Explain to me why the hell
Oliver Stone wants to examine Cauliflower's body."

"Well, he's doing this film about Cauliflower and has this theory that
the CIA had Cauliflower assassinated to prevent him from becoming the
next President because they were afraid of his secret plan to end the
war in I.Racc and create a lasting Middle East peace. He also believes
that the Russians and Chinese may also be involved. And maybe even some
Space Aliens. Oh yeah, he's calling the film, 'The Passion of the
Cauliflower'. So what should I tell him?"

"Tell him we already handed Cauliflower's body over to a group of Space
Aliens with Russian accents. And tell him I want a refund for
'Alexander'. God, I can't believe this. Both Sig.Lad's and Lost Cause
Boy's deaths were picnics of sanity compared to this! Every goddamn
world leader wants to be at Cauliflower's funeral. We're even getting
ambassadors from outer space! Is it just me, or is all of this starting
to get totally ludicrous? He was a dog for God's sake! He was just a dog!"