LNH20 COMICS PRESENTS SPECIAL
#4: "Intervention with the Vampire"
by Jeanne Morningstar

====

MARCH 2022:

Somewhere in the depths of outer space, the Super Dimension Fortress
LNHQ is fighting a pitched battle against an alien mecharmada. But
that's not what this story is about.

Elsewhere, the Slayers of the Net are battling monsters in the depths of
the LNHQ's abandoned subbasements, unless whatever it is they've been up
to in past continuity makes it impossible, in which case they aren't.
But that's not what this story is about either.

Somewhere else, the newest heir to the Acton Lord dynasty watches the
above events unfold on her viewscreens and smiles a satisfied smile. But
even that's not what this story is about.

No, this is a story about a man who is very disturbed and very sexy. A
man who happens to be a vampire. It is, in case you haven't guessed,
about Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man. And this is how it begins:

===

By day, Netropolis is a city of promise, a shining golden wonder. By
night, it is a place of bleak, brooding horror. This is because almost
all the superheroes in this world live in one city except for the ones
in Pittsburgh, and so it has to fit in sci-fi adventure-type superhero
stories as well as grim dark ones, not to mention whatever the hell is
going on in Post-Metal Doomcore.

On the grim gargoyle that hangs broodingly over the darkened streets
broods a grim, dark man. He almost seems to emerge from the darkness
itself, blending effortlessly with the shadows. Or, well, he would if
his costume wasn't covered in sparkles.

As the rain trickles down over his face, he writes in his journal:

"Dear diary: The night broods darkly over me like a terrible... chicken?
No, that's not right. Yes. Like a raven. Like a grim, brooding raven of
the dark. Today I continue my endless quest to battle the crime,
corruption, horror, crime..." He tapped his pen, trying to think of
another good bad word. "...and other bad things of this city. It seems
hopeless, unwinnable, and yet..."

As he writes the words in his journal, the rain blots them out. "All my
efforts to save this city are blotted out like my words in this journal.
Like tears... tears in the rain. Yes. That's a good phrase. I'm sure
that's original."

As he began to right again, he saw a light shining in the sky... a
sparkly light... the Sparkly-Vampire-Signal! A magical artifact made by
his
on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-you-get-the-idea boyfriend,
Professor Penumbra, the LNH's supreme sorcerer, designed to go off
whenever there was a danger to this city that the police and authorities
were ignoring! It went off a lot.

Swinging through the rooftops on his Sparkly-Vampire-Rope (as a vampire,
he could fly but he preferred to swing), he reached the scene of the
crime. There, he used his vampyric power to cloud men's minds to
disguise himself from the cops. It wasn't hard. There wasn't really a
lot of mind going around to cloud.

"Seems this woman's been kidnapped," said one of them. "By some weirdo
who left behind, uh, this trivia game card?"

"Should we do something about it?" said the other cop.

"Nah. Let's go shake down some people at a speed trap," said the first
cop. And they left. At that, Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man swung
down and picked up the card, turning it around in his hands.

Over the last decade, he'd been slowly learning to honor the bearers of
the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man legacy who came before by becoming
a true detective rather than just dangling criminals off buildings all
the time.

"Hmmm," he said to himself. "A clue." He sniffed at it. "I shall have to
take this to the Angstcave!" He slipped the card into his pouch and
swung back into the sky, making his way back to his headquarters.

There, sitting at the computer bank of the Angstcave and thumbing
through _Existentialism: A Reader_ was his sidekick, Dixon Gray,
otherwise known as Kid Revenant. It was he who'd pulled him years ago
out of his prolonged agony of depression where he couldn't even bring
himself to leave his coffin for years, and who'd pushed him into truly
honoring the VDSCM legacy.

"Hey," he said. "How's it going?"

"A crime has been committed," growled Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire
Man. "A terrible, terrible crime. A woman has been kidnapped by a
mysterious assailant who left behind only this trivia game card. I will
now put it in... the Clue Analyzer Machine."

He deposited the card in a giant computer full of blinking lights.
Eventually the screen said...

"Flagrant System Error?" said Kid Revenant. "God damn it, not again. We
are really going to have this thing fixed someday..."

Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man took out his journal and wrote: "Dear
Journal: this is the curse of this city. It is corrupt and rotten to the
very core. Even my own computer equipment betrays me..."

"Uh, that's just what computer equipment does," said Kid Revenant. "OK,
I'll take a look at this." The machine spat out the card and Kid
Revenant looked it over thoroughly. "Hmmmmm, this sure looks like--"

"I wonder..." said Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man, "which of our
enemies could this be? The Midnight Toker? Faceface? Mr. Lukewarm?
Killer Crawdad? Or even the Chancellor of Corruption, Acton Lord himself--"

"--The Trivial Pursuer," finished Kid Revenant.

"Of course!" exclaimed Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man. "This could
only be the work of... the Trivial Pursuer! The first Trivial Pursuer
was one of Golden Age Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature-Man's deadliest
enemies, and his legacy has bedeviled ours for as long as it's existed!
There hasn't been one seen in decades! This must be a new one... a seed
of evil that can never be eradicated from this city..."

"I knew all that!" said Kid Revenant. "I was Golden Age
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature-Man's first sidekick!" He tapped his
fingers on the computer with all the barely repressed frustration of
someone who'd been a teenager for decades.

He looked at the card and read, uh, I'm having trouble thinking of a
good clue, this is always the hardest part of writing these things, it's
no wonder most people just do stories about Batman dangling criminals
off of roofs instead of being a detective even though those stories are
objectively better. Well, I have to get on with this story, so:

On the Trivial Pursuit card there was one question circled: "History:
Which US president was widely considered to be the incarnation of the
Antichrist, the Great Beast, bringer of the end of the world?" The
answer on the other side of course had been blanked out.

"Oh boy," said Kid Revenant. "That's *tough.* I think they kind of all are."

"Hmmm..." hmmmed Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man. I think I remember
something... something... someone told me once. Someone... who I once
thought I cared for greatly... the first man... who I ever truly
loved... but I... am forever alone and accursed... I am incapable of
love--OW! What was that for?"

"We had a deal, remember? If you started angst fuguing again I would hit
you with a rubber chicken."

"Hmph." Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man glared at the rubber chicken.
"Well. He used to say to me that in Trivial Pursuit, the answer is
always Ronald Reagan."

"Hey, you're right! Ronald Wilson Reagan--three names, six letters each.
666. And that means--"

"He's hiding out in 666 and 1/6 6th Avenue, the former headquarters of
Defunct Comics Comics!"

"Uh, I was going to suggest the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowling Alley.
That's kind of the obvious choice. No one knows or cares where Defunct
Comics Comics used to be located now that it was bought out by Time
Waster Media."

"Yes, but that's exactly why it's wrong! The obvious answer is always
wrong!"

"Yes, but the point of Trivial Pursuit is that the answer has to be
something a reasonable person can guess!"

"That's where you're wrong! I played many a moonlight game of Trivial
Pursuit with... but no matter. Those questions are not something a
reasonable person can guess. I have a theory that they were written by
aliens!"

"See! Your theories are terrible!"

"All right, fine. You can go investigate the Ronald Reagan Memorial
Bowling Alley, and I'll investigate the former headquarters of Defunct
Comics Comics."

"Sure. I mean, the villains' gonna be where I look and I'll be captured,
but that's just how things go. I'll take the Sparklegyro..."

"And I'll take the Angstmobile!" He leapt into the black-as-night
sparkle-covered car. "Vampyric batteries to power... turbines to speed..."