4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves

"Gun nut" is a loaded term that I'm going to use anyway, because it refers
to members of a very specific group: Those who base their entire worldview
around the idea that the presence of at least one gun can improve
literally any situation. In the name of gaining a completely unbiased
understanding of their position, I wanted to take four of the terrible,
already debunked pro-gun arguments they use and see if they actually
believe them when there aren't any libtards around to own.

In order to do this, I found some products created by gun nuts for gun
nuts -- things they never would have expected to fall into the hands of
someone with critical thinking or research skills. I should try to
establish a little bit of rhetorical authority here by stating that I grew
up shooting guns, still shoot them, and really don't care if you have one.
To be more clear, I was raised by "Russians and aliens are coming" gun
nuts, not "bring our machine guns into Applebee's" gun nuts. And if you're
desperate to poke holes in my expertise so you can dismiss everything I
say, I am certain AR-15 stands for "Action Rifle 15stopher."
4 "Only A Good Guy With A Gun Stops A Bad Guy With A Gun!"

Using a gun to kill an attacker is the American dream, like inventing the
next F.emale B.ody I.nspector hat or breaking your leg near an improperly
displayed "wet floor" sign. But how likely is it? Even in this great
country where there are as many firearms as people, a Harvard University
analysis found that guns are only used for defense in 0.9 percent of
contact crimes. And here's the statistic everyone is going to hate:
Getting a gun drawn on your attacker only reduces your chances of being
injured by 2.4 percent. If you wore a T-shirt that said "Don't shoot me,
Randy Bruckner (Aquarius)! I'm you from an alternate timeline!" every day,
it would have the exact same odds of protecting you. And I'm not even done
crunching all the numbers.
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Assuming you live an average American lifespan and have average luck, you
have a 0.3 percent chance of being the victim of violent crime before you
die. That means carrying a gun has a 0.0000648 percent of protecting you
from something! Over the course of your life! Those odds are, sadly, lower
than the chances of you or someone in your family making a mistake with
the gun or having a suicidal urge, but those are factors you can sort of
control, so let's ignore them. The point is, carrying a gun to protect
yourself is like carrying around a giant strawberry in case someone ever
asks, "What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit?" You look like a total asshole
for the teeny, tiniest chance of one day doing something horrific.

But enough about reality. What the shit does reality know about protecting
yourself from imaginary gunmen? Pick up your gun and let's take a look at
a self-defense instructional DVD from the ARMED RESPONSE Video Training
Series, called Tactics And Techniques For Defensive Shooting.

ARMED ARMED RESPONSE HESPONSE Senier Traimino Video Kemk Dana Mre ARED
RESPONSE Hed Tochole anet Soee Taetie Defet tore
"Mister? I'm not being kidnapped. It's simply that my adopted parents are
ethnic. No no, it's alright. This happens all the time."

Showing statistics to gun owners always works, and I just solved our
national crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be
convinced -- those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the
one self-evident truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out
from there. The host of this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way,
and here's how it works: Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since
you need a gun, there must be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are
enemy gunmen everywhere, you must be switched the fuck on at all times.
There is a potential shooter in every car, a potential bomb in every
stroller, easily seven cobras in every toilet. Only you can stop them.
You're now in the proper mindset to safely go to the bagel shop.

4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
An actual quote from Ralph about how it's so easy to wear a gun all day
that you'll forget all about it.

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The first few minutes of the video are spent convincing the viewer to
always carry their firearm. Otherwise, what's the point of any of this?
Not carrying a gun disgusts Ralph, and he starts contemptuously listing
the feeble excuses gun owners make. He scolds, "A lot of people say, 'I
only need a gun at night,'" but counters that this is "obviously not
true." The next excuse is how a lot of people don't need their gun since
they're "only going to the store." That's not true either because "random
street crime is called random street crime for a reason." And with that,
he has debunked all the excuses.

Oh, you thought there'd be more? No, Ralph has been foiling imaginary
crimes for so long that he can't even picture a situation in which a
loaded gun might be inconvenient. Hey, Ralph: airport, water park, haunted
house, CAT scan machine, cha-cha lessons, holding a pizza, any location
from the perspective of the other people worried about the spooky fuck
with the gun.

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY, LM, I DON'T NEED A GUN IN THE BATH. WRONG... SHARKS.
ENEMY FROGMEN... SOMEONE SEES YOUR GRAY CONTROL SHAMPOO...
Just agree to always have your gun with you before Ralph's brain explodes.

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So it seems like gun people still make incoherent arguments to justify
their guns even when they're alone in a room with an American flag. And
speaking of incoherent, Ralph thinks of guns like seat belts. In a normal
room, one with critical thinkers, this next part of the argument would be
drowned out by objections and laughter, but Ralph talks about the old
days, when they first put seat belts in cars and no one bothered with
them. It took a public service campaign to get people to use them, and
guns need something similar.

Maybe Ralph skipped a cue card, because from here he moved on to holster
comfort, but I found his line of thinking fascinating. How could a person
not see a single difference between putting on a seat belt and taking a
lethal firearm to a salad bar? It requires such nimble stupidity bounding
through your brain and erasing things before logic can get to them. I
mean, if I was a scientist trying to teach earthworms the difference
between two things, I would start with seat belts and guns. Those are the
two most different goddamn things that have ever been. So, Ralph, if you
want to take a gun to the dentist, enjoy, but don't pretend you did it
because you're a wise genius.

The DVD is sold as a survival video, but it's almost entirely about gun
fighting techniques. There is very little time devoted to deescalating a
situation before a deadly shootout. Ralph must have figured the kind of
guy who'd watch two hours of contact battle drills for grocery stores
isn't going to finesse his way out of anything. Which brings me to the
main issue I have with this video: It is Dungeons & Dragons for
psychopaths. The one thing guns have going for them is that they're cool,
and this video makes them seem lamer than a Wendy's Instagram post. Ralph
looks like Mr. Spock if Star Trek was made in Kosovo as the dying act of
starving potato farmers. He lumbers around pretending to foil ambushes in
the soup aisle, seemingly unaware that we live in a world where that's an
embarrassing thing to do. He makes carrying a gun look less cool than
asking a new mother if you can milk her.

4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Fuckin' gunnin' around! With Ralph fuckin' Mroz!"

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If you have a vivid imagination, but only about killing Starbucks bathroom
intruders, Ralph's system is perfect. But you probably shouldn't go to the
strip mall like you're clearing houses in Fallujah. Statistically
speaking, playing Army Man all day is preparing you to shoot your wife
during an argument, not foil a kidnapping. If all you have is a gun, every
problem looks like a paper Osama bin Laden. If you really need to feel
tough, do what I do and challenge outer space to kill you every night.