The Jong Company Proudly Presents:
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon

"The Book of Miracle Pets"

The Net.Mexico Institute for the Criminally Inane *sic* --

The writer scribbled something down in his notebook as he looked at the
prisoner behind the super protective glass. The prisoner looked a bit
like one of those Dog Catcher types from some old cartoon. Almost
comical. But not quite.

"You know -- the day he died, I laughed. While the rest of the world
was sobbing. Not me. Will admit though that some tiny part of me was
sad. Sad that I wasn't the one who had killed him. Killed Cauliflower."

He called himself the Miracle Pet Catcher. His real name was unknown.
He had some cosmic Net that allowed him to trap Holiday Miracle Pets.
But he didn't have that anymore. Now he was just a fat man with a 5
o'clock shadow in a prison uniform. Locked away.

"We battled. Cauliflower and me. Once. He won of course. Every
single day at 2:30 I have this urge. This urge to drink Eggnog. That's
what he gave me. I hate eggnog!! I hate it!!! Can't get rid of it
though. No doctor believes me. But it's true. Every damn 2:30.
Nothing can stop it. Nothing."

The writer spoke up. "Why do you hate them? The Miracle Pets?"

"Hate them?" The Miracle Pet Catcher laughed. "That's why you're here.
Isn't it? To understand? To understand them. Yes. You hate them
too. They've hurt you. And you want to destroy them. Destroy them all."

"I'm just -- writing a book. Just a..."

"No. It will take more than a book to destroy them. A whole lot more.
But it will be a start. You want to know why? Why I hate them? I'll
tell you. I'll tell you it all. They judge us. Every day. Who gives
them the right? The right to decide who deserves miracles. And who
doesn't! Who gives them the right?!!"

The writer scribbled that down onto his notebook and re-read it. Yes.
Who gives them the right.

"They're so cute and adorable. That's what the fools think. They worm
into our hearts. And they grow -- devouring everything. Every part of
us. They want to enslave us. To take all of our Precious Bodily
Fluids!!! That's their Ultimate Plan!! Yes!!!"

"Umm. Okay. Think I've got enough for my..."

"I'll break free from this cage! Someday! And then I'll get them all!
Catch them all! And take them back to my Holiday Miracle Pet Pound
and -- Muhahahhahahaahha!!!!" screamed the Miracle Pet Catcher as he
laughed and laughed not realizing that interview was over.

OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO

The writer, whose name was Will Winters, was sitting in a cafe looking
over his notes.

"So what's your story, hon?" said a waitress in her mid thirties holding
a half filled pot of coffee.

Will looked up at her. You want to know my story? How I used to be a
reporter for Mid.Net Star till I got downsized out of my job? How this
wedding ring that I'm still wearing used to mean that I was married to
the love of my life till she divorced me and took my house and
everything? How my daughter -- my daughter. My sweet daughter.

Will closed his eyes and then opened them back up.

Finally he said, "Just a man in search of an apple pie." He smiled at her.

The waitress winked at him. "Coming right up, hon."

OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO

Will Winters was back in his hotel room. He was in the border city of
Espayola, Net.Mexico. Supposedly last year around this time at a 'Guns,
Diapers, and Eggs.Mart' two Holiday Miracle Pets, along with a number of
FBI and CIA agents had battled each other there. He had come here to
check it out, and maybe interview one of the local cops who had been on
the scene. At least that was the plan.

He looked at his laptop. Why was he writing this stupid book? Didn't
the world already have enough books about the Holiday Miracle Pets?
Every housewife and their uncle had written one by now. He walked over
a suitcase he had on his bed and opened it up. It was full of books.
Full of stupid Miracle Pet Books. There was 'Getting Rich the Miracle
Pet Way!' 'The Cauliflower Method for Tighter Abs!' 'Did Cauliflower
kill JFK?' 'Men are Eggplants, Women are Radishes!' And bunch of other
wastes of trees. But in not one of these was the answer. No one could
tell him why.

He took a dvd out from his suitcase and slipped it into his laptop. A
few minutes later, an interview appeared. It was Misty Summers on
Oprah. 2005. A year after Cauliflower the Miracle Pooch had died. He
started to watch it and then he clicked it off. He couldn't watch it.
Maybe later. Maybe tomorrow.

He sat on his bed and took his shoes off. He grabbed the hotel's remote
and turned the TV on. Need to forget. Forget the world. It was the
news. No. He didn't want to watch the news. He had heard enough about
the crap economy. About how everyone was losing their jobs. About the
Growing Job Blackhole that Hex Luthor had created that no one could
stop, not even Barack "Ultimate Savior" Obama.

He clicked to a few more channels. He stopped at one that had girls in
bikinis chainsawing dinosaur ice sculptures. This was more like it. He
walked over to his fridge and took out a can of Mr. Paprika. He went
over to his suitcase a dug out a bottle of vodka. He unwrapped the
plastic wrap on one of those plastic Hotel cups, grabbed some ice out of
the ice bucket and poured the two drinks together in the glass.

He looked back at the TV. No more girls in bikinis. Just a stupid
commercial. He reached for the remote, but hesitated.

<<It's coming!! Egg-Ageddon is almost here!! The Egg Hunt to end all
Egg Hunts!! The Easter Cruise to end all Easter Cruises!! Yes, Kids!!
Gets your Parents!! Because you don't want to miss this!! Everyone
will be there!! Hip Rocking Bands -- The Peep Junkies!! Cadbury Egg
Suicide!! The Eggles!! And that's not all!! The Easter Bunny!! The
Easter Chicken!! The Easter Duck!! The Easter Llama!! Jesus "Egg"
Christ!! Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat!! Kathy Lee Gifford!!!
Mel Gibson!! Charo!!! And for the First Time Ever -- Eggplant the
Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!! Yes!! I'm not Egging with you!!
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!!>>

<<It's going to be Egg-Credible!! Egg-Mazing!! SpEgg-tackluar!! It
will make you Egg your pants!! So tell your parents!! Tell them that
we've got a 24 hour bar and casino!! Non-stop drinking and gambling!!
They don't want to miss the cruise!! You don't want to miss this
cruise!! Because if you do, you'll always feel bitter about it. Yes.
Bitter till the end of your life!! So don't miss it!!!!!>>

Will clicked the TV off. He was going on that cruise. He had to.

Maybe it would all finally make sense.

OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO

Will looked over the edge of the rails. At the swaying salt water.
Suddenly, he could hear a commotion coming. A mob of people were
walking by. He saw people snapping photos at someone. There were men
in black suits wearing black sunglasses and there were escorting someone
or something. It was lizard. A big lizard wearing an Easter bonnet!
It had to be Eggplant! This was his chance!

He rushed over to the entourage and pulled out an old press card he had
and began to wave it. "Hey! Eggplant! Could I get an interview!?
Could I...?" The entourage stopped and one of the black suited men, a
rather large towering figure walked over and grabbed the press card from
Will's hand.

The black suited man looked at the card and snorted. "Pressarazzi, huh?
Mr. Eggplant doesn't answer questions! Now back off, buddy!" He
pulled his gun out and pointed at Will. "You understand?"

Will nodded and backed away.

OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO

This had been a waste of money. Will looked at the scotch he was
drinking. The band Cadbury Egg Suicide was playing (or mangling) Frank
Zappa's 'Watermelon in Easter Hay'. Why did he go on this stupid
cruise? There was no way he was going to get that interview with
Eggplant. And the other Holiday Miracle Pet that was supposed to be on
this cruise? What was his name? Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat?
Turned out he wasn't even on the boat. Supposedly, he was in some
rehab clinic in Tucson.

He had spent everything he had on this cruise. God. Nothing to do now,
but drink. He looked around the bar. Just aging Baby Boomers all
looking bored out of their skulls. This was nothing like an episode of
the Love Boat. Wasn't Charo supposed to be here? He hadn't seen her.

He gestured to the bartender for another drink. As he did that, a huge
bang rocked the bar. What was that? A bomb? Terrorists? More bangs
followed like giants were pounding on the roof. What was going on?
People were starting to rush outside. He could hear screams. He
decided to see what was happening.