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arts / alt.arts.poetry.comments / Abyss

SubjectAuthor
* AbyssEdward Rochester Esq.
`* Re: AbyssMichael Pendragon
 `- Re: AbyssEdward Rochester Esq.

1
Abyss

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Subject: Abyss
From: blackpoo...@aol.com (Edward Rochester Esq.)
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 by: Edward Rochester Esq - Tue, 28 Mar 2023 14:00 UTC

Abyss

Veined avenues of broken tar
lead past clumps of pigment free,
congested abodes.

Fight, we will, for sun shedding warmth,
while grunting through a meager meal,
watching the want ads for sustenance through sweat.

Shirt collar starched though wilted,
quills of hair parted to meet the challenge,
we show up shaved but shown the door.

Waddle we will, to stale bread,
spittle softening the dough.

A pee in an empty pool --
that hollow hole surrounded by chlorine dripped grass,
as yellow as my flesh.

We sleep in herds --
find safety from the unknown
as fabric begins to tear,
leaving acres of sailcloth,
no longer able to catch the wind.

Edward Rochester Esq.

Re: Abyss

<642e0527-574e-4e02-9a49-5b19c1cdfb83n@googlegroups.com>

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Subject: Re: Abyss
From: michaelm...@gmail.com (Michael Pendragon)
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 by: Michael Pendragon - Tue, 28 Mar 2023 14:44 UTC

On Tuesday, March 28, 2023 at 10:00:41 AM UTC-4, Edward Rochester Esq. wrote:
> Abyss
>
> Veined avenues of broken tar
> lead past clumps of pigment free,
> congested abodes.
>
> Fight, we will, for sun shedding warmth,
> while grunting through a meager meal,
> watching the want ads for sustenance through sweat.
>
> Shirt collar starched though wilted,
> quills of hair parted to meet the challenge,
> we show up shaved but shown the door.
>
> Waddle we will, to stale bread,
> spittle softening the dough.
>
> A pee in an empty pool --
> that hollow hole surrounded by chlorine dripped grass,
> as yellow as my flesh.
>
> We sleep in herds --
> find safety from the unknown
> as fabric begins to tear,
> leaving acres of sailcloth,
> no longer able to catch the wind.
>
> Edward Rochester Esq.

I'm not fond of the "we will" inversions... however, insofar as they sound like a battle cry of the human spirit, "waddle" should be replaced with something more heroic.

To keep the plurality of the poem consistent, I suggest changing "my flesh" to "our flesh."

Re: Abyss

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Subject: Re: Abyss
From: blackpoo...@aol.com (Edward Rochester Esq.)
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 by: Edward Rochester Esq - Tue, 28 Mar 2023 14:59 UTC

On Tuesday, March 28, 2023 at 10:44:49 AM UTC-4, Michael Pendragon wrote:
> On Tuesday, March 28, 2023 at 10:00:41 AM UTC-4, Edward Rochester Esq. wrote:
> > Abyss
> >
> > Veined avenues of broken tar
> > lead past clumps of pigment free,
> > congested abodes.
> >
> > Fight, we will, for sun shedding warmth,
> > while grunting through a meager meal,
> > watching the want ads for sustenance through sweat.
> >
> > Shirt collar starched though wilted,
> > quills of hair parted to meet the challenge,
> > we show up shaved but shown the door.
> >
> > Waddle we will, to stale bread,
> > spittle softening the dough.
> >
> > A pee in an empty pool --
> > that hollow hole surrounded by chlorine dripped grass,
> > as yellow as my flesh.
> >
> > We sleep in herds --
> > find safety from the unknown
> > as fabric begins to tear,
> > leaving acres of sailcloth,
> > no longer able to catch the wind.
> >
> > Edward Rochester Esq.
> I'm not fond of the "we will" inversions... however, insofar as they sound like a battle cry of the human spirit, "waddle" should be replaced with something more heroic.
>
> To keep the plurality of the poem consistent, I suggest changing "my flesh" to "our flesh."

I find your suggestions dead on, with thanks

J

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