On Sunday, September 25, 2016 at 7:33:33 PM UTC-4, Rachel wrote:
> On Sunday, September 25, 2016 at 3:10:05 PM UTC-7, George Dance wrote:
>
> > Beautiful Day
> >
> > There is so much to say
> > For a beautiful day
> > When the sun flows its warmth over you,
> > When the air is so clear
> > Even far can seem near
> > And the colors appear in bright hue;
> >
> > Squirrels frolic and dance
> > And the trees sway in trance,
> > In a chance breeze of C22,
> > To the song of the birds,
> > Far sweeter than words,
> > And a tune from a grasshopper, too;
> >
> > While the dragonflies chase
> > As the gnats flee in haste,
> > And a spider sips his morning dew,
> > All the earth and the sky
> > Play a film for the eye
> > To remember such days, all too few.
> >
> > Perfect Day
> > There's something to say
> > about the beauty of a day
> > when the sun flows a warmth over you.
> > When the air is so clear
> > that even far seems near
> > and the colors appear their brightest hue.
> > And the birds gaily dance
> > in the trees swayed in trance
> > by a breeze of Celsius twenty-two.
> > And the dragonflies chase
> > the gnats that flee in haste
> > while a spider drinks the morning dew.
> > And the clouds in the sky
> > paint a picture for your eye
> > reminding days such as this are too few.
> >
> >
> > The above is a revision of Barbara's Cat's poem, "Perfect Day", which I'm calling a 'draft' only because the Cat has never approved or acknowledged it.
> >
> > I kept all the original thoughts, (most of) the images), and the end-rhymes. My major changes were to break it into stanzas, and to regularize the meter; but, for that and other reasons, I ended up rewriting every line. I also added 3 lines, for the sake of having 3 six-line stanzas. Specific changes:
> >
> > Title - "Perfect" to "Beautiful". I wanted a new title to eliminate confusion between the original poem and this revision. As a bonus, "Beaufiful Day" is a phrase from the poem.
> >
> > 1 - "There's" to "there is". For the meter
> > "something" to "so much". "Something to say" is understatement; the intent here is to say how wonderful/important the day is.
> >
> > 2 - "beauty of a" to "beautiful". For the meter. In addition, "beauty of a" sounds like regional dialect (which doesn't appear anywhere else in the poem). As a bonue, "beautiful day" gets the (new) title into the poem.
> >
> > 3 - "a" to "its". "a warmth" is simply bad grammar.
> >
> > 5 - "that even far seems" to "Even far can seem". For the meter.
> >
> > 6 - "their brightest" to "in bright". For the meter
> > "." to ";" I wanted this to read like one long sentence; but I needed something stronger than a comma for the ends of the stanzas.
> >
> > 7 - "And the birds gaily" to "squirrels frolic". For sense the birds don't "dance" in trees, they just sit there; while the squirrels run around in them, which could be metaphorically described as dancing.
> >
> >
> > 8 "in the trees swayed" to "as the trees sway". "Swayed in trance" sounded awkward. to me.
> >
> > 9 "breeze of Celsius 22" to "fresh breeze of C22". For the meter. In addition, I did not like the word "Celsius". I'm not all that fond of "C22", but it is an improvement (and 22 is a clever rhyme, on Cat's part).
> >
> > 10-12 - My own writing, trying to keep the spirit of the original. I wanted to get "birds" back in, doing their thing - singing, not dancing! - and the idea of summer nature-music made me think of a "grasshopper" which, fortunately scanned. Fortunately, too, Cat hadn't used "too" as an end-rhyme.. LL7-11 are now part of a conceit: the squirrels and trees are dancing to the song of the birds and grasshopper.
> >
> > 13 (Cat's 10) - "And" to "While". I didn't want to begin a stanza with "And". "While is more general, to my mind (it seems to refer to all the activity in the stanza")
> >
> > 14 (11) "the gnats that flee" to "As the gnats flee". For the meter. It may be less clear, in the revision, that the dragonflies are chasing the gnats; but I hope it's clear enough.
> >
> > 15 (12) "While" to "And". Swapped with L13
> > "drinks the" to "sips his". I'd consider "sips" a more active verb, and "his" to fit the what I saw as personification.
> >
> > 16 (13) "And the clouds in" to "All the earth and the". This is part of the conclusion; it's not just the clouds, but everything contributing to the effect. it also eliminates one "And"
> >
> > 17 (14) "paint a picture" to "Play a film". For the meter. In addition, "paint a picture" is very cliched; plus, pictures are static, whereas this scene being filed into memory is active, more like a film.
> >
> > 18 (15) "reminding days such as this" "to remember such days". For the meter. As well, I wanted to bring out the idea of the day being stored in one's memory for later enjoyment.
> > "are" to "all". "all too few" sounded like a better closure.
> oh, i got all excited, i thought you wrote a new poem.
>
> and i was like, oh, i liked your last one SO MUCH BETTER. and so much. :-((((
>
> well, you didn't write this one.
>
> that explains that. :-)
>
> (no offense barbara's cat. :-((( )
>
> i mean, it's okay, but it's so.....tame.
>
> i mean, it's just like sitting outside on your front porch.
>
> it's not a big deal.
>
> no offense. :-(((

Hi there Rachel... you are missed...!!

On Wednesday, March 22, 2023 at 3:59:25 PM UTC-4, Zod wrote:
> On Sunday, September 25, 2016 at 7:33:33 PM UTC-4, Rachel wrote:
> > On Sunday, September 25, 2016 at 3:10:05 PM UTC-7, George Dance wrote:
> >
> > > Beautiful Day
> > >
> > > There is so much to say
> > > For a beautiful day
> > > When the sun flows its warmth over you,
> > > When the air is so clear
> > > Even far can seem near
> > > And the colors appear in bright hue;
> > >
> > > Squirrels frolic and dance
> > > And the trees sway in trance,
> > > In a chance breeze of C22,
> > > To the song of the birds,
> > > Far sweeter than words,
> > > And a tune from a grasshopper, too;
> > >
> > > While the dragonflies chase
> > > As the gnats flee in haste,
> > > And a spider sips his morning dew,
> > > All the earth and the sky
> > > Play a film for the eye
> > > To remember such days, all too few.
> > >
> > > Perfect Day
> > > There's something to say
> > > about the beauty of a day
> > > when the sun flows a warmth over you.
> > > When the air is so clear
> > > that even far seems near
> > > and the colors appear their brightest hue.
> > > And the birds gaily dance
> > > in the trees swayed in trance
> > > by a breeze of Celsius twenty-two.
> > > And the dragonflies chase
> > > the gnats that flee in haste
> > > while a spider drinks the morning dew.
> > > And the clouds in the sky
> > > paint a picture for your eye
> > > reminding days such as this are too few.
> > >
> > >
> > > The above is a revision of Barbara's Cat's poem, "Perfect Day", which I'm calling a 'draft' only because the Cat has never approved or acknowledged it.
> > >
> > > I kept all the original thoughts, (most of) the images), and the end-rhymes. My major changes were to break it into stanzas, and to regularize the meter; but, for that and other reasons, I ended up rewriting every line. I also added 3 lines, for the sake of having 3 six-line stanzas. Specific changes:
> > >
> > > Title - "Perfect" to "Beautiful". I wanted a new title to eliminate confusion between the original poem and this revision. As a bonus, "Beaufiful Day" is a phrase from the poem.
> > >
> > > 1 - "There's" to "there is". For the meter
> > > "something" to "so much". "Something to say" is understatement; the intent here is to say how wonderful/important the day is.
> > >
> > > 2 - "beauty of a" to "beautiful". For the meter. In addition, "beauty of a" sounds like regional dialect (which doesn't appear anywhere else in the poem). As a bonue, "beautiful day" gets the (new) title into the poem.
> > >
> > > 3 - "a" to "its". "a warmth" is simply bad grammar.
> > >
> > > 5 - "that even far seems" to "Even far can seem". For the meter.
> > >
> > > 6 - "their brightest" to "in bright". For the meter
> > > "." to ";" I wanted this to read like one long sentence; but I needed something stronger than a comma for the ends of the stanzas.
> > >
> > > 7 - "And the birds gaily" to "squirrels frolic". For sense the birds don't "dance" in trees, they just sit there; while the squirrels run around in them, which could be metaphorically described as dancing.
> > >
> > >
> > > 8 "in the trees swayed" to "as the trees sway". "Swayed in trance" sounded awkward. to me.
> > >
> > > 9 "breeze of Celsius 22" to "fresh breeze of C22". For the meter. In addition, I did not like the word "Celsius". I'm not all that fond of "C22", but it is an improvement (and 22 is a clever rhyme, on Cat's part).
> > >
> > > 10-12 - My own writing, trying to keep the spirit of the original. I wanted to get "birds" back in, doing their thing - singing, not dancing! - and the idea of summer nature-music made me think of a "grasshopper" which, fortunately scanned. Fortunately, too, Cat hadn't used "too" as an end-rhyme. LL7-11 are now part of a conceit: the squirrels and trees are dancing to the song of the birds and grasshopper.
> > >
> > > 13 (Cat's 10) - "And" to "While". I didn't want to begin a stanza with "And". "While is more general, to my mind (it seems to refer to all the activity in the stanza")
> > >
> > > 14 (11) "the gnats that flee" to "As the gnats flee". For the meter. It may be less clear, in the revision, that the dragonflies are chasing the gnats; but I hope it's clear enough.
> > >
> > > 15 (12) "While" to "And". Swapped with L13
> > > "drinks the" to "sips his". I'd consider "sips" a more active verb, and "his" to fit the what I saw as personification.
> > >
> > > 16 (13) "And the clouds in" to "All the earth and the". This is part of the conclusion; it's not just the clouds, but everything contributing to the effect. it also eliminates one "And"
> > >
> > > 17 (14) "paint a picture" to "Play a film". For the meter. In addition, "paint a picture" is very cliched; plus, pictures are static, whereas this scene being filed into memory is active, more like a film.
> > >
> > > 18 (15) "reminding days such as this" "to remember such days". For the meter. As well, I wanted to bring out the idea of the day being stored in one's memory for later enjoyment.
> > > "are" to "all". "all too few" sounded like a better closure.
> > oh, i got all excited, i thought you wrote a new poem.
> >
> > and i was like, oh, i liked your last one SO MUCH BETTER. and so much. :-((((
> >
> > well, you didn't write this one.
> >
> > that explains that. :-)
> >
> > (no offense barbara's cat. :-((( )
> >
> > i mean, it's okay, but it's so.....tame.
> >
> > i mean, it's just like sitting outside on your front porch.
> >
> > it's not a big deal.
> >
> > no offense. :-(((
>
> Hi there Rachel... you are missed...!!

I'll second that.

Will Dockery wrote:

> On Wednesday, March 22, 2023 at 3:59:25 PM UTC-4, Zod wrote:
>> On Sunday, September 25, 2016 at 7:33:33 PM UTC-4, Rachel wrote:
>> > On Sunday, September 25, 2016 at 3:10:05 PM UTC-7, George Dance wrote:
>> >
>> > > Beautiful Day
>> > >
>> > > There is so much to say
>> > > For a beautiful day
>> > > When the sun flows its warmth over you,
>> > > When the air is so clear
>> > > Even far can seem near
>> > > And the colors appear in bright hue;
>> > >
>> > > Squirrels frolic and dance
>> > > And the trees sway in trance,
>> > > In a chance breeze of C22,
>> > > To the song of the birds,
>> > > Far sweeter than words,
>> > > And a tune from a grasshopper, too;
>> > >
>> > > While the dragonflies chase
>> > > As the gnats flee in haste,
>> > > And a spider sips his morning dew,
>> > > All the earth and the sky
>> > > Play a film for the eye
>> > > To remember such days, all too few.
>> > >
>> > > Perfect Day
>> > > There's something to say
>> > > about the beauty of a day
>> > > when the sun flows a warmth over you.
>> > > When the air is so clear
>> > > that even far seems near
>> > > and the colors appear their brightest hue.
>> > > And the birds gaily dance
>> > > in the trees swayed in trance
>> > > by a breeze of Celsius twenty-two.
>> > > And the dragonflies chase
>> > > the gnats that flee in haste
>> > > while a spider drinks the morning dew.
>> > > And the clouds in the sky
>> > > paint a picture for your eye
>> > > reminding days such as this are too few.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > The above is a revision of Barbara's Cat's poem, "Perfect Day", which I'm calling a 'draft' only because the Cat has never approved or acknowledged it.
>> > >
>> > > I kept all the original thoughts, (most of) the images), and the end-rhymes. My major changes were to break it into stanzas, and to regularize the meter; but, for that and other reasons, I ended up rewriting every line. I also added 3 lines, for the sake of having 3 six-line stanzas. Specific changes:
>> > >
>> > > Title - "Perfect" to "Beautiful". I wanted a new title to eliminate confusion between the original poem and this revision. As a bonus, "Beaufiful Day" is a phrase from the poem.
>> > >
>> > > 1 - "There's" to "there is". For the meter
>> > > "something" to "so much". "Something to say" is understatement; the intent here is to say how wonderful/important the day is.
>> > >
>> > > 2 - "beauty of a" to "beautiful". For the meter. In addition, "beauty of a" sounds like regional dialect (which doesn't appear anywhere else in the poem). As a bonue, "beautiful day" gets the (new) title into the poem.
>> > >
>> > > 3 - "a" to "its". "a warmth" is simply bad grammar.
>> > >
>> > > 5 - "that even far seems" to "Even far can seem". For the meter.
>> > >
>> > > 6 - "their brightest" to "in bright". For the meter
>> > > "." to ";" I wanted this to read like one long sentence; but I needed something stronger than a comma for the ends of the stanzas.
>> > >
>> > > 7 - "And the birds gaily" to "squirrels frolic". For sense the birds don't "dance" in trees, they just sit there; while the squirrels run around in them, which could be metaphorically described as dancing.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > 8 "in the trees swayed" to "as the trees sway". "Swayed in trance" sounded awkward. to me.
>> > >
>> > > 9 "breeze of Celsius 22" to "fresh breeze of C22". For the meter. In addition, I did not like the word "Celsius". I'm not all that fond of "C22", but it is an improvement (and 22 is a clever rhyme, on Cat's part).
>> > >
>> > > 10-12 - My own writing, trying to keep the spirit of the original. I wanted to get "birds" back in, doing their thing - singing, not dancing! - and the idea of summer nature-music made me think of a "grasshopper" which, fortunately scanned. Fortunately, too, Cat hadn't used "too" as an end-rhyme. LL7-11 are now part of a conceit: the squirrels and trees are dancing to the song of the birds and grasshopper.
>> > >
>> > > 13 (Cat's 10) - "And" to "While". I didn't want to begin a stanza with "And". "While is more general, to my mind (it seems to refer to all the activity in the stanza")
>> > >
>> > > 14 (11) "the gnats that flee" to "As the gnats flee". For the meter. It may be less clear, in the revision, that the dragonflies are chasing the gnats; but I hope it's clear enough.
>> > >
>> > > 15 (12) "While" to "And". Swapped with L13
>> > > "drinks the" to "sips his". I'd consider "sips" a more active verb, and "his" to fit the what I saw as personification.
>> > >
>> > > 16 (13) "And the clouds in" to "All the earth and the". This is part of the conclusion; it's not just the clouds, but everything contributing to the effect. it also eliminates one "And"
>> > >
>> > > 17 (14) "paint a picture" to "Play a film". For the meter. In addition, "paint a picture" is very cliched; plus, pictures are static, whereas this scene being filed into memory is active, more like a film.
>> > >
>> > > 18 (15) "reminding days such as this" "to remember such days". For the meter. As well, I wanted to bring out the idea of the day being stored in one's memory for later enjoyment.
>> > > "are" to "all". "all too few" sounded like a better closure.

I wonder if there is a reference to Lou Reed's famous song of the same name...?

"Perfect Day"....?