anim8rfsk <anim8rfsk@cox.net> wrote:
> I’m watching a $6 million man re-run, the lost island, where every word is
> making me cringe even before we get to the opening credits. When we do get
> to those credits I see why.
> Fred Fryberger
> They actually gave him a job again? After he destroyed Star Trek and space
> 1999 but before he ruined superboy.
> He’s just stealing wholesale here.
>
> The lost island isn’t lost in any way shape or form. It’s a paradise island
> rip off with a force field that makes it invisible. Except every time they
> turn the Force field on or off it does the exact opposite of what they say
> it does.
>
> The natives aren’t human although they can breed with humans which would
> sort of make them human, and have no immunity to any earthly disease. The
> main troublemaker is Jared Martin who played the future alien on the island
> in the fantastic journey. You can see how hard they worked on this to make
> it original.
>
> Rudy Wells has managed to crash a satellite on it. The leaking neutrons
> turn the natives instantly into monsters with Spock ears, giant buck teeth
> from the local mall fun shop, big bushy eyebrows from the same place, and
> Afros. The same way the scientists turned into monsters on VOYAGE TO THE
> BOTTOM OF THE SEA.
>
> The three troublemakers announced they are going to take over the island.
> The Islanders decide the only way to cope with this is to flee the island
> and not hit these three guys over the head with frying pans or something.
> So they must send the half human island cutie girl to get the magic
> formula.
>
> It’s in the South Pacific thousands of miles from anything in 6000 fathoms
> of water. And yet you can take a sailboard raft to Brigham Young University
> in Hawaii on the mainland (they say that repeatedly) in about an hour. The
> troublemakers chase her in a schooner.
>
> So Steve sees the girl floundering in the water from Rudy Wells boat and
> they say they can’t get to her because of the reefs so he jumps in and
> swims over to her but instead of taking her back to the boat he takes her
> to the island chased by the monsters. By the way they have forgotten at
> this point who was in what craft so the girl floundered the schooner.
> Although the guys are also chasing her in the schooner.
>
> They have forgotten that Steve can’t swim using both arms for obvious
> reasons, he should just be kicking both feet like crazy.
>
> And holy crap the island turns out to be the North Shore of Hawaii at
> Turtle Bay and the resort my father built! Steve has never heard of Brigham
> Young University but he knows where the Kuilima hotel is and that he’s
> landed by it but not in sight of it.
>
> She tells Steve she’s from another planet so he and Rudy check into the
> Kuilima and have some mai tais while the dress shop brings up an assortment
> of outfits in assorted sizes for her to try on. The dress shop lady can
> tell in a glance she’s a size 8. It probably would’ve saved her some
> trouble to come up and look at her and ascertain that first. She says the
> girl from an island where they all wear dojo robes has extraordinarily good
> taste in clothes. She picked out a white lightly striped T-shirt and a pair
> of red shorts.
>
> Steve bribes Lieutenant Tanaka of Brigham Young University on the Hawaiian
> mainland to give him highly dangerous untested magic immune system serum,
> buying him off with his Detroit Tigers cap. He takes the space cutie to a
> luau where he confirms that this is still the same day this adventure
> started. They bring out the whole roast pig and after some discussion and
> finger-pointing decide to set it down right in front of Steve. But before
> she can eat the half human cutie gets sick! She must not have inherited her
> father’s natural immunities after all!! She has failed her people! We know
> this because she says “I have failed my people!“
>
> Luckily the hospital is also on the grounds of the Brigham Young University
> experimental lab on the mainland of Hawaii. The space cutie dies. They
> revive her. Steve says that he’ll tear the lab apart and give her the serum
> himself. Rudy says he can get it on the basis of national security even
> though a) it’s days or weeks or months away from being ready and two) Steve
> had already expedited work on it on that basis. They give her a shot and
> then leave her completely alone while dramatic music heralds inter-cuts of
> the troublemakers in the one schooner seeing the Coast Guard Cutter towing
> the other schooner.
>
> The magic serum makes her better. We know this because she wakes up all
> alone and says “better. Better. The magic serum made me better.”
>
> She pulls off all the monitor stuff. This sends an immediate signal to the
> nursing station which is staffed by one of the cute waitresses from the
> king Kamehameha club (billed as “Tehani G.M.M.C. Galiza) that she has had a
> cardiac arrest. Barely able to walk, she stumbles over to the closet, gets
> dressed, and disappears into the night before the cardiac team arrives..
> um..Yeah.
>
> Rudy calls Steve who is naked except for a skimpy yellow towel around his
> naughty bits. Apparently that’s how he sleeps. Rudy says they have searched
> every room in the hospital (before alerting Steve). Steve says he knows
> where she has gone! I’m not sure how he knows this. I don’t have any idea
> where she’s gone.
>
> Aha. She has gone to the lab to steal the rest of the experimental serum
> that’s never been tested. Opening the mini fridge sets off an alarm but
> nobody responds to it. Steve shows up and she bribes him and they make
> their escape! All this to keep from hitting three troublemakers over the
> head with a frying pan.
>
> Steve and space cutie go to where he had arranged to have her schooner
> hidden. Somehow she has changed her clothes to the outfit she arrived on
> the Hawaiian mainland in, probably because all the footage of her on the
> schooner was wearing that.
>
> The three space troublemakers show up and take turns trying to hit Steve
> over the head with a stick! One of them succeeds! Jared Martin tells the
> girl to give him the untested secret formula!
>
> TO BE CONTINUED
>
> This can still be solved by just hitting these three guys over the head
> with a frying pan.

THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN “The lost island part two“
Last week as you recall three alien troublemakers hit Steve over the head
with a stick and prepared to do dastardly things to a space cutie.

Apparently they’ve completely forgotten what island they are on. They say
they are on the space peoples lost island when they’re actually on the
North Shore of Oahu. The order is given to get rid of Steve’s boat so he
can’t follow them. Steve doesn’t have a boat and I don’t know where he’d
follow them since they think they’re already there.

Steve wakes up feeling like somebody’s hit him over the back of the head
with a frying pan. His bionic vision shows him that the alien boat as that
sale! The boat they are calling his has been pushed six, perhaps as much is
7 feet into the water where only bionic strength can turn it over and dump
it clean!

As Steve follows the alien boat we see stock footage of US Navy aircraft
carriers and battleships getting ready for who knows what. Suddenly we are
at the Kuilima hotel at Turtle Bay on the North Shore of Oahu! Oscar (who
didn’t get to go to Hawaii) is giving Rudy arcane instructions.

A couple hours later they have sailed thousands of miles and reach the
island that suddenly has electronic devices that let them see through their
screen of invisibility which they didn’t have in the first episode. Also
the power to their electronic screen of invisibility is failing. Nobody
mentioned that before either.

The three troublemakers arrive at the Village of the rest of the
troublemakers that nobody mentioned last week either. One of them is sick.
They decide that they can’t get sick because of the neutrons. Except for
the one that is sick.

Steve arrives at the invisible barrier which puts his bionics on the fritz.
Steve rips his arm open (what the hell?) and pulls out wires without
affecting the operation of his arm at all. He short circuits two wires
which calls down the standard Universal stock footage of lightning from
above and reveals the island! He sails off at right angles to the
direction the island is in.

The lead troublemaker decides the only way to win the space cutie is to
expose her to neutrons!

The secondary troublemaker spots Steve landing on the island and headed for
the peaceful village that he couldn’t possibly know even exists.

The troublemakers chase Steve to the village. The village has an invisible
disintegration wall around it. The villagers are loathe to let Steve in but
they exchange exposition. As the troublemakers close in Steve asks how tall
the invisible fence is. They say 25 feet. So he jumps almost straight up
and comes back almost straight down which takes a lot of nerve when you’re
dealing with an invisible disintegration wall! He might’ve wanted to ask
how thick it was! But now we know Steve can jump 25 feet straight up.
Personally, I’d have stood my ground and clobbered the two troublemakers
with a frying pan.

Back at the troublemaker encampment, a guard rips a pineapple in half with
his bare hands and chows down on it like Daryl Hannah eating a lobster
shell and all in splash. While he’s distracted, space cutie gets the magic
serum and brings it to the third troublemaker who is laying there dying. I
have no idea how she knows how to work a hypodermic needle. Also the serum
apparently works instantaneously and the dying guy hops up and runs for the
peaceful Village.

At the peaceful village exposition continues. They’ve been exhausting the
power pods from their spaceship for 50 years and they’ve reached the end.
They are total pacifists and are going to count on Steve to save them from
the troublemakers.

Meanwhile the head troublemaker decides space cutie has rejected him for
too long and exposes her to neutrons! The neutrons give her the big teeth
and bushy eyebrows and comb her hair differently so you can more easily see
her Spock ears.

Steve heads out to bonk the troublemakers! This time they turn off the
force field to let him pass and the crap that the force field has
disintegrated reappears “as expected“

The troublemakers are building a catapult to hurl them over the force field
so they can hit the peaceful villagers with rocks!

Space cutie sobs at the site of her new horrible visage! Hey, it gave her
really long perfectly manicured finger nails too.

The cured troublemaker lurks in the jungle!

An emergency alert test goes off and brings to show to a halt.

After an unwelcome intermission the show resumes!

Steve reaches the encampment but the space cutie hides from him. Two of the
neutron enhanced troublemakers attack. Finally some bonking ensues but they
win.

Back in stock footage of Washington, Oscar Goldman makes apologies to Mr.
secretary and tells him they think they know where the satellite landed.
Why do they think the satellite isn’t at the bottom of the ocean? Oscar
places a phone call and I swear this is Word for Word:
“Helen, get me Dr. Rudy Wells. He’s on a Coast Guard Cutter… Somewhere in
the Pacific.“
Shouldn’t she know that? And if she doesn’t is that really going to help a
lot?

We are then treated to a couple minutes of stock footage of aircraft
carriers with the cameraman zooming in and out on anything that seems to
look interesting to him.

Then we go to a Coast Guard Cutter somewhere in the Pacific. Oscar and Rudy
recap stuff they already know and we’ve already seen.

Back at the peaceful village the force field is failing! The cured
troublemaker finally arrives. More exposition is exchanged.

The lead troublemaker hasn’t killed Steve because he wants Steve to wake up
and see how ugly the space cutie now is with her neutrino face. Steve
wakes up all right and clobbers every troublemaker in sight!

Steve grabs the satellite and he and the neutrino deformed space cutie run
for the peaceful village! But it doesn’t matter because the troublemakers
have completed their catapult which looks exactly like something the
professor would have built on Gilligans island.

Space cutie won’t go into the village because of how ugly she is but Steve
tells her the process could be reversed the same way the force field
disintegrated stuff that came back when they turned it off. Why didn’t it
go away again when they turned it back on?

Steve is going to change the polarity of the neutrino flow!

It works! The space cutie is back to normal!

But she still has her new hairdo.

The troublemakers arrive with the catapult! The peaceful villagers have run
out of space pod power! The electronic screens are all down! So they didn’t
need the Catapult after all. Steve defends the village by shooting the
attackers with the polarity reversed neutrino Ray! They return to normal
and I suddenly realize that troublemaker number two is Anthony Geary!

Somewhere in the Pacific, the invisible island appears!

On the beach, Steve and the space cutie say goodbye once again.

The plan is that they’ll all take the serum and move to the outside world.
I suspect the human governments are going to have something to say about
that. The instant Steve is out of sight she throws herself on the reformed
troublemaker number one.

Back in stock footage of Washington, Oscar tells Mr. secretary that Steve’s
brought the satellite back and they’re repairing it and that the loss of
the device won’t affect anything in any way. Wait. What? What device did
they lose, and if it doesn’t matter why did they go through all this?

Oscar has released a cover story that says the island will be used for
missile target practice so nobody will go near it and he’s ordered the
production of 10,000 units of magic immunity serum. So are there 10,000
aliens on this island? We saw like 12..

Steve and Oscar do some improv teasing Rudy about his loud Hawaiian hat,
accompanied by goofy music. Rudy throws his beloved hat away but his cruel
friends continue to laugh at him.

The end.

—
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.”