THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

"I want you to body paint me when you're done
You can paint daisies on me, it should be such fun
I make a broad canvas -- I weigh half a ton --
You can paint the grand canyon on just my left bun;
Polka dots on my man-boobs, big pink and green ones
And if you find my wiener, paint it like a gun.
I'll look like a tattooed man, I'm telling you, hon
And when you finish me, you can paint on my son.

"Donkey designs his world:

"Zod,
I'd like to pretend that I am a house.
You can paint me bright colors and act as my spouse.
The blue tarp you stole didn't keep out the louse
that's now my pet vermin along with my mouse,
and thanks for finding this pink ruffled blouse
that I wear in the shack while you liberally douse
me with love juice and pull off my baggy old trows
and art fills us both like we're stars at Bauhaus.

"Or maybe I'll pretend that I am a boat
I've got lots of blubber to keep me afloat,
I need to get shipshape, so give me a coat
Of fresh paint to cover my flab and my bloat,
And maybe some blue stars to highlight my scrot.
I'm an impressive vessel, pardon if I gloat
But Horatio Hornblower surely would dote
On my riggings and mainsails -- and this you can quote
I would blow that man's horn like my name was 'Deep Throat.'

"A Donkey pines for Manolos:

"Zod,
Do you know any shoes that will fit on my feet?
I have hoofs for feet, which the hos think is neat
but nailing shoes on is hard on the street
and you know that I walk 20 miles just to eat
so pulling shoes on would make a fine treat
and wearing real shoes could get me dark meat
which has a strange texture, not tart and not sweet.
If you find me high heels, I'll be indiscrete
with you and DirtMike in the crew cab backseat,
and hoofs don't feel good on the hot, cracked concrete
but I'd wear stilettos in a Durundo drumbeat
and I'd hee and I'd haw and I'd bleat, Mon Petite.

"Now a donkey in heels is a marvelous sight
I like how it feels, it increases my height;
All the boys at LeGents shout "You go, girl! Alright!"
While the AAPC trolls just laugh out of spite.

"But the fashionable donkeys who want to impress
Wouldn't dream of Manolos without a new dress,
A new, bright blue moomoo, I have to confess
Would be too, too, très froufrou, I'd have such finesse
That all the LeGents gents would call me Princess.

"A Donkey builds a time machine:

"Zod,
I think I'm living in 2092.
Sorry, but you'll croak in 2022
and poems are mailing me out of the blue --
how they have my address, I haven't a clue --
and each time I typed, my nose twitched and grew.
I can't even see when I start with my spew.
I make 1000 typos and each is brand new.
I sure hope you hurry so you can push through
30 posts to take the heat off me, whew!
I only have John Dunne and they have a slew
of things like Ed Poland, and Woody won't do
'cause Rochester looks like a god and I knew
that my comebacks were starting to gather mildew,
and I'm crying with shame and can't bum a tissue,
so I'm looking for Pickles, that Wandering Jew,
to save me from trolls, and he's long overdue.

"The future's like everything H.G. Wells said
It would be, but sadly, I'm still better off dead --
In a George Jetson world, I still live in a shed.
I've got tapeworms and chiggers and lice on my head
I've got rats in my cupboard, and fleas in my bed
And they've all got computers and spaceships of red
And make noises like Pac-Man and call me inbred
And George's boy, Elroy, said that I'm a ped-
ophile, and I must admit that I've not read
Much about such things but he's got more than a shred
Of DNA evidence and so I've pled
For mercy -- but got thrown in prison instead."

-- Will Donkey, "The Shadowville Mythos: Ode to My Slurp-puppet"