And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.

And here's where you can find The Flame Wars as well as other
LNH Crossovers:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Crossovers/

And it's The Flame Wars Again! (The first of a number of Flame Wars
Crossovers that are also called Flame Wars)!

We have The Flame Wars #3 by Mike "Zen" Caprio! Mike as far as LNH
writing went was involved with the first two Flame War Crossovers
and wrote a first issue of Insanity Watch, which was a spinoff of the
Flame Wars II and then kind of disappeared after that.

Will, "WHAT IS THIS, CHRISTMAS?" become CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE's new
catch phrase?! Will Grammar Lad show Spelling Boy how to use a
comma?! And is it time for Pointless Death Man to do what he does
best?!!

Find out in...

_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES

ADVENTURES #292

=====================
The Flame Wars Part Three
=====================

CHAPTER THREE

by Zen (mikecap@wpi.wpi.edu)

"Caught Between a Rock and a Hardcase"

_________________________________________________________________

*********************
* SOMEWHERE ELSE... *
*********************

A barren rocky landscape, surrounded by craters and scorched
earth, lays disturbingly quiet. It is just before dawn, and
small tentacles of sunlight slowly edge their way across the
turgid plain...

There is a valley among this bleak terrain, and small wisps of
mist crawl along its floor in the thin atmosphere. At the edges
of the valley, at the tops of the surrounding hills, stand two
armies - one clothed in red, one clothed in green. The
commanders of each force bark commands at their troops, and the
garrisons run screaming down the sides...

Suddenly, there was a blinding yellow flash in the floor of the
valley! Figures began to materialize in the light...

"What the devil!?!?" shouted Cliche Dude.
The LNH appeared on the scene, right in the path of the two
armies. Most of the Legion stumbled drunkenly about in the
disorientation of the teleport beam. Bad-Timing Boy looked
around, and just happened to notice the two screaming hordes
about to descend upon them.
"I think we're in trouble..." said B-TB, right on cue.

(Insert sound effect of a large mass of people crashing into each
other)

The Legion was swamped by the mob of red and green, mashed on
all sides by the opposing forces.
"WHAT IS THIS, CHRISTMAS!!??!" yelled CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE, as he
smashed in what was once the face of a green soldier.
"Obscure Trivia Lad doesn't recognize these guys!" shouted
Obscure Trivia Lad over the din. "They must be new characters or
something!" Just as he finished his observation, Organic Lass
materialized 20 gallons of ethanol above some hapless red
soldier. Sparks flew from the soldier's frame, and he very
impolitely exploded, catching OL in the blast.
"They're robots!" screamed Multi-Tasking Lad, who just barely
avoided a bone-crushing blow, delivered one himself, and wrote a
chapter in his new autobiography.
"Robots! Why in my day, we battled real, living villains! None
of this fancy-pants android stuff! Blazes, when we did battle
robots, they were at least fifty feet tall, and exploded
impossibly huge gears when you hit them!" espoused Old Comics
Man, causing several of the mechanical fiends to keel over, while
Typo Lad transmogrified several robots into rabbits.
The incredibly pointless and gruesome battle carried on for at
least five minutes, when suddenly, both sides of the conflict
retreated up the sides of the valley. The LNHers chased after
the extremely callous antagonists who had just picked up and left
in the middle of a fight, some breaking off and chasing the red
robots, some trailing after the green.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU CHICKENS!" ejaculated CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE
rather proudly, as he bounded after the red army.
"Wait for me!" cried Bandwagon Chick, as she swept forth to
join the bold hero.
"This way!" cried Obscure Trivia Lad as he chased after a group
of not-too-happy green robots. Organic Lass collected her
now-sizzling self and followed her commandeering companion, along
with Bad-Timing Boy, Old Comics Man, Sardonic Boy, Comics-Snob
Boy, Allusion Lad, and Sing Along Lass. At the other side of the
hill, Multi-Tasking Man, Occultism Kid (who had just come out of
a mystic trance), Parking Karma Lad (who somehow found a parking
spot on this barren world), Procrastination Kid (who was putting
off the battle for later), Kid Frothing-At-The-Mouth, and
Adamant-Authority-On-Everything joined the now receding CAPTAIN
CAPITALIZE and co.
Typo Lad, Cliche Dude, Irony Man, Pompous Lad, Grammer Lad,
Cheesecake-Eater Lad, Invisible Incendiary and Spelling Boy were
all feeling very confused and indecisive following the extremely
strange and exceedingly short battle. In strangely teamwork-like
fashion, they formed two lines - one consisting of CD, SB, IM,
and II (though nobody saw him), and the other of GL, PL, C-EL,
and TL. Cliche Dude produced a coin he kept for just such an
emergency, called heads, and flipped it. It of course came up
tails.
"We'll tkake CATAPIN CAPITULLISE's sseide," spoke Typo Lad.
"AAAARRRGGGHHH!" said Spelling Boy "They always get to pick!"
"There's no comma necessary, Spelling Boy!" cried Grammar Lad,
rather upset at the minor grammatical error.
"Why don't you spell your name right _Grammer_ Lad! Phlbbpth!"
Spelling Boy's tongue popped out and wiggled at the shocked
Grammer Lad.
"Well I never!" Grammer Lad turned off and headed in the
direction of the retreating red army, along with the rest of his
group.
"Serves him right. Let's go, guys." Spelling Boy's group
trotted off after the rest of the LNH, scrambling up the side of
the hill as quickly as they could manage.

Captain Cleanup surveyed the damage, scanning all the broken
and smashed robot parts that littered the valley clear to the
horizon, and shook his head sadly. He produced a broom from some
hidden compartment on his person and began to sweep.
Behind one of the protruding boulders not too far away, a
mysterious figure looked outward, trying to decide which group to
follow. Background Boy stepped out from the shadows and moved
on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
****************
* MEANWHILE... *
****************

CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE and his team stepped up onto the bluff's
surface, and peered around the immediate area. Instantly, they
noticed the large wounded group of red robot soldiers and their
impossibly huge commanding officer. The LNHers stood agape as
the seven-foot tall Rambo clone pushed aside his robotic troops
and made his way towards them.
"Can I hellp you peeple wis zomething?" the CO asked in a
slightly Austrian accent, seeming slightly perturbed about the
damage caused to his troops. "Why have you come to zis world?
Who are you? Anzwer me now, or I vill be forsed to break you..."
Pompous Lad peered from behind the CAPTAIN's bulky bod, and was
about to say something, when suddenly Multi-Tasking Man popped
before the group, finished his needlepoint, and began writing a
treatise on the impending danger of global warming when he began
to speak:
"We have come here at the behest of the all-powerful Editors!
We seek audience with the Collector! Do you know him?"
The military behemoth seemed disappointed and confused,
obviously
saddened that he would not get the opportunity to test his
strength against these strange foes.
"Ja. He ees my general. I take you to him now."
With that, he grabbed Multi-Tasking Man and lifted him over his
head as the rest of the Legion looked on, stupified. The now
very bewildered hero was too stunned to say anything, so he
decided to just enjoy the ride.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Obscure Trivia Lad and his team climbed over their side of the
mesa, harkening to the sounds of much thrashing going on at the
top. When they reached the surface, they immediately took in a
brutal sight. A woman in army surplus coveralls was hurling
nasty and vindictive slurs at one of the green soldiers while
beating it vehemently with a wet towel. The robot of course took
no notice, not being able to feel pain, but the woman seemed to
be enjoying herself.
The group stood stunned and unable to move, when Bad-Timing Boy
spoke.
"Geez, what a hardcase."
The woman's head whipped around. She stared at the young hero
with daggers in her cold eyes, and began to move towards the
group.
Irony Man's irony detector began to beep wildly. He looked
down at the detector and his eyes went wide.
"That's her name..." he whispered.
The military nightmare stood before them in all her frigid
glory.
"That is my name. What do you wish?" She spoke in ice-laden
tones, and brandished her wet towel, ready to whip anyone she
chose if she felt like it. "Well? Speak up! Are you the fools
who opposed my army?"
"We come in peace..." said Cliche Dude, who slowly backed away
from the approaching woman.
"Actually, we're looking for the Collector," said Bad-Timing
Boy before anyone could stop him.
With lightning speed and a loud "AH HA!", the woman called
Hardcase whipped him with all of her might, knocking the foolish
young hero silly.
"So, you are spies sent to destroy my master, the Speculator!"
"No, we're not, really!" cried Obscure Trivia Lad, who really
didn't want to get hit with that towel.
Just then, an unseen thought bubble appeared over Hardcase's
head, and she thought: "I cannot trust these fools. I will take
them to the Speculator; he will know what to do with them."
"You will come with me. I will take you to the master..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
*************
* INTERLUDE *
*************

The Speculator was in his secret vault, far beneath the surface
of the earth in a vast underground complex. Stacks of perhaps a
1,000 each of the Robin III series, Superman #75, Fantastic Four
#371, Silver Surfer #75, and Incredible Hulk #400 lined the
walls.
"Personal Log entry #302...My plan will make me rich - RICH, I
tell you! By utilizing the artifact and reselling it, I have
flooded the market with special cover issues! The resale value
of these books will be in the millions! My only goal now is to
remove my competition - namely the Collector. If his plan
succeeds, he could bring all of my scheming to naught! I must
stop him... but once he is gone, none will stand in my way!
BWAHHAHAHHAHAAA!!!!!"
The Speculator's laughter echoed against the metallic walls of
the vault, and resounded throughout his secret base...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Soon enough, CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE and his LNH team along with
their new companion, Rock, arrived at what seemed to be a
palatial estate. The large castle was surrounded on all sides by
a small patch of lush greenery in an almost exactly circular
pattern. Just outside that boundary there began a series of
craters and scorch marks, and an immense littering of robot
parts. They quickly arrived at the entrance to the palace.
"Drop north shield," spoke Rock into his remote intercom.
There was a slight shimmering in the air, then nothing. Rock
stepped through the area where the force field was.
"Nice effect," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad who produced a piece
of cheesecake and, well, ate it.
The group entered and was greeted with the sight of the main
chambers of the palace, which were adorned with golden tresses
and jeweled columns.
"Welcome members of the Legion of Net.Heroes..."
At the center of the antechamber was a large throne, occupied
by a very strange-looking individual.
"I...am the Collector, master of this realm and owner of X-Men
#1 and a complete run of the Fantastic Four..."
The LNHers stood agape. This was a man who was truly a
collector of comics; not a mere fanboy or passive comics reader,
but a true collector!
"Who are you to possess such comics? Why have we been sent
here to find you?" queried Occultism Kid.
"I was once the ruler of this world...no more. It has been
forever destroyed at the hand of the Speculator..."
"The Speculator? Who's that?" interrupted Pompous Lad rudely.
"He who collects for profit; he who cares not about art or
writing, he who is my arch-enemy..."
"WHY DOES HE WISH TO DESTROY YOU?" asked the CAPTAIN.
"At first, he wished only to have my comics to add to his
profit margin, but now there is another reason. He has a
diabolical scheme that includes destroying the most popular
heroes ever, so that he may profit off of their death issues by
reselling them at ridiculous prices. I fear he may already have
begun..."
"But that's impossible!" cried Adamant-Authority-On-Everything.
"How could he possibly hope to accomplish such a hare-brained
scheme? It's not possible!"
"I'm afraid it is, Legionnaire. Behold..."
A curtain on the far wall swung away to reveal...
THE STASISIZED BODY OF

POINTLESS DEATH MAN!!!!!!!!

The Legion gasped as one.
"Yes! He means to have Pointless Death Man become his ULTIMATE
ASSASSIN! You must stop him at all costs! We cannot allow this
to happen!"
"But what of our comrades? What has happened to them?" asked
Kid-Frothing-At-The-Mouth, who was, at this point, frothing.
"I'm afraid it is too late. The Speculator has captured and
brainwashed them into doing his bidding. You must stop them
before they can come here and release Pointless Death Man. The
universe must remain safe."
"THEN OUR TASK IS CLEAR. FORWARD, LNHERS! THERE IS A UNIVERSE
TO SAVE!"
The LNH team shouted as one, and they all started for the
door...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Collector watched the LNH team as they marched off into
battle. He turned to his subordinate Rock and said:
"Look at them, Rock. The fools march off to battle their own
compatriots, completely unaware of my designs. How little they
know! How would they react, do you think, if I told them _I_ was
going to use Pointless Death Man as the Ultimate Assassin? What
would they say if they knew it was I who wished to kill off all
heroes in the Looniverse and beyond so that _my_ comics became
priceless? Already I have accomplished much with the death of
Superman! If I had not lost my possession, I would not have
needed to collect Pointless Death Man to continue...Batman,
Captain America, and Spider-Man would be next! Then I would be
the sole possessor of _all_ their last appearances! The
Speculator would lose all of his foolish "financial planning",
and I will reign supreme! Once I figure out how to release
Pointless Death Man from his stasis, I can put my plan into
effect... MUHWHAAAHAHAHAHAHHA!!"
Rock stared on vacantly, uncomprehending...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Put these blindfolds on please."
"Are you kidding?" said Sardonic Boy.
"Do it or you'll make me unhappy," replied Hardcase with an icy
smile.
Sardonic Boy immediately put on his blindfold, followed quickly
by the rest of the LNH team.
"The location of the Speculator's base must remain secret, so
that agents of the Collector do not reveal it and attempt to
destroy it."
"Blindfolds! Why, in my day, everybody knew where everybody
else's base was, none of this `my base is a secret'... OOF!"
Old Comics Man was cut off in mid-sentence by a jab to the ribs
from Comics Snob Boy, who was upset that he could no longer read
his Alan Moore issues now that he was blindfolded (though it may
well not have been Comics Snob Boy).

The group marched on for an undeterminable amount of time,
until finally they were told to stop. They all heard a strange
noise, then a whirr, and a SHROOOM! followed by a brief hiss...
"Get inside," commanded Hardcase, as she pushed the helplessly
unsighted LNHers forward.
The doors closed behind them, and Hardcase told them they could
remove their blindfolds. They seemed to be inside an elevator,
but there was no sense of motion, only a lighted panel that
indicated their position. Soon they reached the light marked
"Speculator's Chambers", and the doors opened.
They entered what seemed to be a war room, with maps of the
planet and charts of surrounding areas at all sides. Sitting
just beyond the table was a man wearing a suit of battle armor
with a legend engraved on the breast that read "I am the
Speculator".
"Welcome to my war room, members of the LNH. I think you can
all figure out who I am. It seems that I'll be needing your
help. My monitors tell me that your friends will soon be
arriving to destroy me. You must stop them."
"And, praytell, why is that?" asked Sardonic Boy.
The Speculator held up a picture.
"I think you all recognize this man..."
The LNH gasped as one, for within the picture was the
stasisized body of...
"Pointless Death Man!?!?!!" cried Obscure Trivia Lad.
"It can't be!" cried Cliche Dude.
"Ah, but it is! The Collector holds the body in hopes of
reviving it for some sinister scheme! Now he has brainwashed
your companions in the hopes of destroying my opposition to his
plans!"
"But why were you opposed to him before?" asked Irony Man.
"When his tyrannical rule became too much for our people, they
wished to appoint a free democracy, with capitalistic ideals. We
are arch-enemies because I collect comics to make a profit, while
he collects for purely sentimental reasons."
"Obscure Trivia Lad is afraid we have no choice. Pointless
Death Man must not be revived," said Obscure Trivia Lad. "We
must fight our own people..."
The Speculator smiled...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The valley stood before them once more, and a cold harsh wind
blew across its expanse.
CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE called out to Obscure Trivia Lad from across
the rim.
"SURRENDER PEACEFULLY OBSCURE TRIVIA LAD! WE DON'T WANT TO
FIGHT YOU!"
"We can't allow you to keep Pointless Death Man! It's too
dangerous!"
"THEN PREPARE TO DO BATTLE!"
"Obscure Trivia Lad is ready when you are, buddy!"
The call went out, and the two sides began to rush into the
valley...

A lone figure stood unnoticed at the end of the small outlying
hills looking on with great interest. Background Boy awaited the
outcome of the incredible confrontation...

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!

==========

Next Week: Some More FLAME WARS!!!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer