Just when you thought the world of anti-cycling columns couldn’t plunge any deeper, especially after Jeremy Clarkson’s latest tirade against the “two-wheeled Stasi” or the Spectator’s almost monthly assertion that “Lycra-clad” cyclists “own the roads”, well think again.

Because yesterday the Herald published (link is external) one of the more bizarre anti-cycling bingo rants of recent times, courtesy of commentator and former deputy editor Kevin McKenna.

Ten years ago, you may or may not recall, McKenna condemned a campaign to introduce a system of “strict liability” in incidents involving motorists and vulnerable road users, claiming that cycling in Scotland was strictly the preserve of the middle class and that the move would risk “criminalising innocent citizens”, while forcing them to “chug along permanently in second gear” behind cyclists on the roads.

Well, it seems as if McKenna’s attitudes towards cycling haven’t dimmed in the intervening ten years, judging by a column in which he urges readers to create their own “wellness plan” to combat and find an outlet for their “repressed rage” – with one element of his plan involving “transferring his rage” onto one of his seemingly many “triggers”: Cyclists on the road. Which sounds extremely safe for all involved.

“Cyclists,” he begins, readying his anti-cycling bingo pen. “To the unwary, these gentle and unassuming road snails are merely well-meaning types with too much time on their hands who are seeking fresh air and exercise amid the grandeur of Scotland’s wild open spaces.

“Then you begin to realise that you’re about to be late for making the working contribution to society that they seem to be dodging.”

Ah yes, the ‘cyclists holding up people actually trying to go to work and help society’ trope, good one. Because no cyclist ever uses their bike to commute. Ever.

Just look at all these work-shy leisure cyclists, holding all the important people in cars up…

Next, he moves onto one of the more recent anti-cycling bingo lines, fuelled no doubt by the reaction to LTNs and the ‘extra pollution’ they cause:

“Worse, your carbon footprint is going from a manageable size six to a dangerous size 10 as you slow to a crawl and your engine begins to consume more petrol, along with the long line of cars behind you.”

So, what’s McKenna’s doubtlessly thought-provoking solution?

“In my personal wellness plan I’ve now pledged to take a deep breath before gently edging out and around the cyclists and taking up a position directly in front of them. And then slowing right down to about two miles an hour.

“Thus, you transfer your pulsing rage directly on to them. You need only do this for about three minutes. But it will lead to better mental health outcomes, knowing that you’ve given these insidious and sanctimonious weapons a taste of their own medicine.”

Ah, delightful.

Though it seems like the bingo enthusiasts in the Herald’s comments section appreciate McKenna’s words of, ahem, wisdom.

“Spot on about cyclists, Kevin. Must try your 2mph trick,” writes Gordon, who for some reason I’m imagining as one of the Self-Righteous Brothers from Harry Enfield and Chums – ‘Oi, cyclists, no!’

Turns out that his frankly bizarre column isn’t the only unprovoked dig aimed at cyclists by McKenna in recent days:

Obsessed much, Kev?

https://road.cc/content/news/cycling-live-blog-18-september-2023-303913#live-blog-item-49747