..... for the Midday Mayhem show.

As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
appreciated.

But keep it clean-ish.

I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third time.

I do need some refreshment.

cheers

Tone

On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000
Tone <email@address.com> wrote:

> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>
> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
> appreciated.

A pity you can't show this tinyurl.com/3fe99jsf but it caused me to
stop dead in the street and laugh out loud when I read and translated the
inscription.

--
Steve O'Hara-Smith
Odds and Ends at http://www.sohara.org/

On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000, Tone <email@address.com> wrote:

>.... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>
>As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>appreciated.
>But keep it clean-ish.
>I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third time.
>I do need some refreshment.
>cheers
>Tone

I think I might have submitted this one in the past ?

Link is for the whole album - final song is my suggestion -
starts at ~ 41:10
" Don't Give Me No Goose For Christmas, Grandma "

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOSLnko1i5U

McKenna Mendelson Mainline Stink 1969

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McKenna_Mendelson_Mainline

" In November 1968, MMM opened for The Jeff Beck Group at the Grande
Ballroom in Detroit, United States, and garnered several standing
ovations. "

" In December 1968, MMM reversed the trend of English bands coming to
North America, and proceeded to England to gig and hopefully to pursue
a major record deal. The band hit the stage almost immediately, their
first show being at the Utrecht Pop Festival on December 27/28, 1968,
filling a prime timeslot just vacated by Jimi Hendrix and his duo
(Noel Redding and Mitch Mitchell). MMM started soon thereafter gigging
on an English club circuit which included such notables as The Bonzo
Dog Doo-Dah Band, Family, The Keef Hartley Band, Gun, and the newly
formed Led Zeppelin. "

John T.

On 26/11/2021 02:23 pm, Tone wrote:
> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>
> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
> appreciated.
>
> But keep it clean-ish.
>
> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third time.
>
> I do need some refreshment.
>
> cheers
>
> Tone
>
--------------------------------------------

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One
Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a man, by himself, asks
if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the
man and say, "Okay."

So they tee off. Two holes into the game, the friends get curious about
what their new acquaintance does for a living. So they ask him. The
stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.

The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My rifle is in my golf bag. I
carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opens the bag and,
sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all
excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through that! Can I
look?" The hitman replies, "Sure."

So he looks through the scope for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see
my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my
wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbour!
And he's naked too!"

This really upsets him, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a
hit. The hitman replies, "I charge £1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The husband responds, "£1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to
shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging me and I've
always hated it. Then, I want you to shoot my neighbour in the penis,
just for shagging my wife while my back is turned."

The hitman agrees, loads up and looks through the scope. He's looking
for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really
impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?!?

The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I'm a about to save you a
thousand quid!"

--------------------------------------------

A lone sniper is about to assassinate President Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse".
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead​​.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard
why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse".
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

--------------------------------------------

I found those on:
https://forums.digitalspy.com/discussion/2218137/what-is-the-worst-joke-youve-ever-heard

There's lots more.

--
Chris Elvidge
England

Ahem A Rivet's Shot <steveo@eircom.net> wrote in
news:20211126145829.21bf6ab62499bcb42a65e190@eircom.net:

> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000
> Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>
>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>
>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>> appreciated.
>
> A pity you can't show this tinyurl.com/3fe99jsf but it caused me
to
> stop dead in the street and laugh out loud when I read and translated
the
> inscription.
>

On my first research cruise in the Irish Sea the mate advised me never to
heave to windward. Seemed obvious, but in the early hours of the morning,
a 36 hour shift that advice came back to me just in time to stop me doing
just that.

--
Peter
-----

On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000, Tone <email@address.com> wrote:

>.... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>appreciated.
>But keep it clean-ish.
>I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third time.
>I do need some refreshment.
>cheers
>Tone

Is it safe to assume that you're not looking for cuts from
actual _comedy_ records/shows ?
but rather off-beat random stuff ?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2gABYTmXos

Bowser and Blue : The Colorectal Surgeon Song

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowser_and_Blue

John T.

Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>
> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
> appreciated.
>
> But keep it clean-ish.
>
> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third time.
>
> I do need some refreshment.
>
> cheers
>
> Tone
>
>

Well if you don’t mind reading out jokes in the Doric tongue…

Rabbie cums roon in Foresterhill Hospital aifter he hid bin in an affa
motorbike smash. Poor loon, hid tae hae his faimily jewels amputated, an
he’s owercum we grief. Stanin at the fit o’ his bed is a consultant, fa
gies him some guid news.
Consultant: ‘Now Mr Davidson, I can see you’re obviously very upset, but I
have some positive news for you. You are extremely lucky to be in the only
hospital in the country that performs full penile transplants, and it just
so happens that we have three fine members on ice. Now obviously we can’t
undertake this procedure on the NHS. This will be taken care of privately,
but I’m afraid, this will incur some cost.
Rabbie: ‘Foo muckle are ye takin aboot, sir?’
Consultant: ‘Well Mr Davidson, the oldest member is well used but still
serviceable, and that will set you back £3,500. An absolute snip, if I do
say so myself. The slightly younger member, which is still in its prime,
but admittedly, has seen better days, is coming in at, £5,000. Our
youngest, and most reliable member retails at £10,000, but comes with a 10
year guarantee, and of course, is wrinkle free.’
Rabbie: ‘Thanks doctor fir a’ the info, bit a canna mak a decision like is
we oot ma wife.’
Consultant: ‘I totally understand Mr Davidson. Fortunately, she is in the
waiting room. I will tell her to come in, and let you mull this over .’
Rabbie an his wife discuss a’ the options, an then she leaves Rabbie we the
consultant.
Consultant: ‘Well Mr Davidson, what is your decision?’
Rabbie: ‘Am haein a new kitchen.’

Tim

--
Please don't feed the trolls

On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 15:27:22 +0000
Chris Elvidge <chris@mshome.net> wrote:

> 'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

OK that reminded me of one (but it'll need adjusting).

It's the divorce hearing for Mickey and Minnie Mouse and the judge
has just asked Mickey's lawyer what the grounds are. The lawyer has a brief
whispered conversation with his client and stands to say "M'lord it seems
that Mrs Mouse's behaviour had become somewhat erratic" at which point
Mickey jumps up and says "No! No! I told you she's shpxvat Goofy".

--
Steve O'Hara-Smith
Odds and Ends at http://www.sohara.org/

A big white horse goes into a pub, and asks for a pint, making small talk
the barman says, don't get many horses in here, by the way we have a drink
named after you here. The Horse stops drinking and says, What you have a
drink called Nigel?

Brian

--
Brian Gaff - briang1@blueyonder.co.uk

Blind user, so no pictures please!

This document should only be read by those persons for whom Paranoia is
normal
and its contents are probably boring and confusing. If you receive this
e-Mail
message in error, do not notify the sender immediately, instead, print it
out and make
paper animals out of it. As the rest of this disclaimer is totally
incomprehensible, we have not bothered to attach it.
"Tone" <email@address.com> wrote in message
news:snqql1$c4m$1@dont-email.me...
> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>
> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
> appreciated.
>
> But keep it clean-ish.
>
> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third time.
>
> I do need some refreshment.
>
> cheers
>
> Tone
>

On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:58:29 +0000, Ahem A Rivet's Shot wrote:

> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000
> Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>
>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>
>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>> appreciated.
>
> A pity you can't show this tinyurl.com/3fe99jsf but it caused me to
> stop dead in the street and laugh out loud when I read and translated the
> inscription.

No problem with that here.
The only useful thing I ever taught mt grandsons.
--
Jim S

On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 16:58:40 +0000
Jim S <jim@jimXscott.co.uk> wrote:

> No problem with that here.
> The only useful thing I ever taught mt grandsons.

It is of course excellent advice, but finding it in that location
where something far more pompous would be expected caught me.

--
Steve O'Hara-Smith
Odds and Ends at http://www.sohara.org/

On 26/11/2021 16:58, Jim S wrote:
> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:58:29 +0000, Ahem A Rivet's Shot wrote:
>
>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000
>> Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>>
>>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>>
>>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>>> appreciated.
>>
>> A pity you can't show this tinyurl.com/3fe99jsf but it caused me to
>> stop dead in the street and laugh out loud when I read and translated the
>> inscription.
>
> No problem with that here.
> The only useful thing I ever taught mt grandsons.
>

Oh, my apologies gents. I should have made myself clearererer.

What I am looking for is recorded funnies, radio acceptable.

Whilst the joaks are very good, I am no stand-up.

Anything musical or spoken, up to about six minutes and not too modern,
or it would be well known.

'Weird' is also acceptabubble along the lines of Weird Al, The Scaffold,
Jake Thackray, Prof. Unwin, The Nitwits, Paddy Roberts, Tom Lehrer, Fred
Wedlock, The Bar Steward Sons of Val Doonican, that sort of thing.

Dozen have to be well known as long as it causes a titter or two. (I
would probably not use Fascinating Ada unless bleepable and still making
sense!

Tone

Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
> On 26/11/2021 16:58, Jim S wrote:
>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:58:29 +0000, Ahem A Rivet's Shot wrote:
>>
>>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000
>>> Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>>>
>>>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>>>> appreciated.
>>>
>>> A pity you can't show this tinyurl.com/3fe99jsf but it caused me to
>>> stop dead in the street and laugh out loud when I read and translated the
>>> inscription.
>>
>> No problem with that here.
>> The only useful thing I ever taught mt grandsons.
>>
>
>
> Oh, my apologies gents. I should have made myself clearererer.
>
>
> What I am looking for is recorded funnies, radio acceptable.

This ant use? (Scottish humour again).

https://youtu.be/m1832rkuNis

Tim

--
Please don't feed the trolls

On 26/11/2021 18:18, Tone wrote:
> On 26/11/2021 16:58, Jim S wrote:
>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:58:29 +0000, Ahem A Rivet's Shot wrote:
>>
>>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000
>>> Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>>>
>>>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>>>> appreciated.
>>>
>>>     A pity you can't show this tinyurl.com/3fe99jsf but it caused me to
>>> stop dead in the street and laugh out loud when I read and translated
>>> the
>>> inscription.
>>
>> No problem with that here.
>> The only useful thing I ever taught mt grandsons.
>>
>
>
> Oh, my apologies gents. I should have made myself clearererer.
>
>
> What I am looking for is recorded funnies, radio acceptable.
>
> Whilst the joaks are very good, I am no stand-up.
>
> Anything musical or spoken, up to about six minutes and not too modern,
> or it would be well known.
>
> 'Weird' is also acceptabubble along the lines of Weird Al, The Scaffold,
> Jake Thackray, Prof. Unwin, The Nitwits, Paddy Roberts, Tom Lehrer, Fred
> Wedlock, The Bar Steward Sons of Val Doonican, that sort of thing.
>
> Dozen have to be well known as long as it causes a titter or two. (I
> would probably not use Fascinating Ada unless bleepable and still making
> sense!

Anything by Gerard Hoffnung, especially from his Address to the Oxford
Union; Joyce Grenfell; Mort Sahl; Ivor Cutler; excerpts from Fred
Dibner; excerpts from Blaster Bates.

--
Rusty Hinge
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer and the BOFH.

On 26/11/2021 20:35, RustyHinge wrote:
> On 26/11/2021 18:18, Tone wrote:
>> On 26/11/2021 16:58, Jim S wrote:
>>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:58:29 +0000, Ahem A Rivet's Shot wrote:
>>>
>>>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000
>>>> Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>>>>
>>>>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>>>>> appreciated.
>>>>
>>>>     A pity you can't show this tinyurl.com/3fe99jsf but it caused me to
>>>> stop dead in the street and laugh out loud when I read and
>>>> translated the
>>>> inscription.
>>>
>>> No problem with that here.
>>> The only useful thing I ever taught mt grandsons.
>>>
>>
>>
>> Oh, my apologies gents. I should have made myself clearererer.
>>
>>
>> What I am looking for is recorded funnies, radio acceptable.
>>
>> Whilst the joaks are very good, I am no stand-up.
>>
>> Anything musical or spoken, up to about six minutes and not too
>> modern, or it would be well known.
>>
>> 'Weird' is also acceptabubble along the lines of Weird Al, The
>> Scaffold, Jake Thackray, Prof. Unwin, The Nitwits, Paddy Roberts, Tom
>> Lehrer, Fred Wedlock, The Bar Steward Sons of Val Doonican, that sort
>> of thing.
>>
>> Dozen have to be well known as long as it causes a titter or two. (I
>> would probably not use Fascinating Ada unless bleepable and still
>> making sense!
>
> Anything by Gerard Hoffnung, especially from his Address to the Oxford
> Union; Joyce Grenfell; Mort Sahl; Ivor Cutler; excerpts from Fred
> Dibner;  excerpts from Blaster Bates.
>

Excellent! Thanx

Tone

On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000, Tone <email@address.com> wrote:

> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>
> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
> appreciated.
>
> But keep it clean-ish.
>
> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third
> time.
>
> I do need some refreshment.
>
> cheers
>
> Tone

How about some of Mike Harding's stuff???

n.b. Bomber's Moon is also good - but not funny

Avpx

--
And then there were the frogs. Very, very small frogs. They had such a
tiny life cycle it still had trainer wheels on it.
(Wings)
Fri 10314 Sep 23:15:01 GMT 1993
23:15:01 up 7 days, 9:47, 8 users, load average: 0.59, 0.73, 0.51

On 26/11/2021 23:18, The Nomad wrote:
> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000, Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>
>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>
>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>> appreciated.
>>
>> But keep it clean-ish.
>>
>> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third
>> time.
>>
>> I do need some refreshment.
>>
>> cheers
>>
>> Tone
>
> How about some of Mike Harding's stuff???
>
> n.b. Bomber's Moon is also good - but not funny
>
> Avpx
>
>

Yes, I know Mike, I was short listed for Folk On 2 when he got the gig
years ago. I have used some of his stuff in the past, I'll dig it out.
(I play his stuff, but he has never played mine to my knowledge
! I'm prombly just not good inuff. Sob.)

Tone

On 26/11/2021 02:23 pm, Tone wrote:
> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>
> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
> appreciated.
>
> But keep it clean-ish.
>
> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third time.
>
> I do need some refreshment.
>
> cheers
>
> Tone
>

Two Ronnies
https://1drv.ms/u/s!AnzWhb1Lmb-LjuMgi642Kfh-Dw6ifQ
https://1drv.ms/u/s!AnzWhb1Lmb-LjuMfTDCYxDW04yWOFA

Hope those links work

--
Chris Elvidge
England

On 26/11/2021 23:50, Chris Elvidge wrote:
>>
>
> Two Ronnies
> https://1drv.ms/u/s!AnzWhb1Lmb-LjuMgi642Kfh-Dw6ifQ
> https://1drv.ms/u/s!AnzWhb1Lmb-LjuMfTDCYxDW04yWOFA
>
> Hope those links work
>
> --
> Chris Elvidge
> England

Thanx

Tone

On 2021-11-26, Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
> On 26/11/2021 16:58, Jim S wrote:
>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:58:29 +0000, Ahem A Rivet's Shot wrote:
>>
>>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000
>>> Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>>>
>>>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>>>> appreciated.
>>>
>>> A pity you can't show this tinyurl.com/3fe99jsf but it caused me to
>>> stop dead in the street and laugh out loud when I read and translated the
>>> inscription.
>>
>> No problem with that here.
>> The only useful thing I ever taught mt grandsons.
>>
>
>
> Oh, my apologies gents. I should have made myself clearererer.
>
>
> What I am looking for is recorded funnies, radio acceptable.
>
> Whilst the joaks are very good, I am no stand-up.
>
> Anything musical or spoken, up to about six minutes and not too modern,
> or it would be well known.
>
> 'Weird' is also acceptabubble along the lines of Weird Al, The Scaffold,
> Jake Thackray, Prof. Unwin, The Nitwits, Paddy Roberts, Tom Lehrer, Fred
> Wedlock, The Bar Steward Sons of Val Doonican, that sort of thing.

As I was waiting for the anaestahetist a line from Flanders and Swann
floated through my mind.

"'Twas was on a monday morning that the gasman came to call."

And then of course there's "Why Paddy's not at jbex today." in sundry
versions including one by Gerard Hoffnung.

How much of Victor Borge's stuff is available? Phonetic punctuation?
Inflation?

--
Bernard Peek
bap@shrdlu.com

With all the bank branches closing right now your average bank robber has to
diversify.
However, it did not go well the first time one rushed into an estate agent
and shouted, Nobody move.
Brian

--

This newsgroup posting comes to you directly from...
The Sofa of Brian Gaff...
briang1@blueyonder.co.uk
Blind user, so no pictures please
Note this Signature is meaningless.!
"The Nomad" <nomad@the.desert.invalid> wrote in message
news:2XdoJ.736997$mMM3.558765@usenetxs.com...
> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000, Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>
>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>
>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>> appreciated.
>>
>> But keep it clean-ish.
>>
>> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third
>> time.
>>
>> I do need some refreshment.
>>
>> cheers
>>
>> Tone
>
> How about some of Mike Harding's stuff???
>
> n.b. Bomber's Moon is also good - but not funny
>
> Avpx
>
>
> --
> And then there were the frogs. Very, very small frogs. They had such a
> tiny life cycle it still had trainer wheels on it.
> (Wings)
> Fri 10314 Sep 23:15:01 GMT 1993
> 23:15:01 up 7 days, 9:47, 8 users, load average: 0.59, 0.73, 0.51

What about Les Barkers stuff?
Lots of parodies and silly stuff there I'd say. The set of Guide Cats cds
are always good fun to listen to.
I particularly like Send in the cones, Sloop John A and Cheese, not to
mention Custard tarts etc.
What about Quazi be good?
Brian

--

This newsgroup posting comes to you directly from...
The Sofa of Brian Gaff...
briang1@blueyonder.co.uk
Blind user, so no pictures please
Note this Signature is meaningless.!
"Tone" <email@address.com> wrote in message
news:snrq97$bj3$1@dont-email.me...
> On 26/11/2021 23:18, The Nomad wrote:
>> On Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:23:33 +0000, Tone <email@address.com> wrote:
>>
>>> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>>>
>>> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
>>> appreciated.
>>>
>>> But keep it clean-ish.
>>>
>>> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third
>>> time.
>>>
>>> I do need some refreshment.
>>>
>>> cheers
>>>
>>> Tone
>>
>> How about some of Mike Harding's stuff???
>>
>> n.b. Bomber's Moon is also good - but not funny
>>
>> Avpx
>>
>>
>
> Yes, I know Mike, I was short listed for Folk On 2 when he got the gig
> years ago. I have used some of his stuff in the past, I'll dig it out. (I
> play his stuff, but he has never played mine to my knowledge
> ! I'm prombly just not good inuff. Sob.)
>
> Tone

On 27/11/2021 08:33, Bernard Peek wrote:
> As I was waiting for the anaestahetist a line from Flanders and Swann
> floated through my mind.
>
> "'Twas was on a monday morning that the gasman came to call."
>
> And then of course there's "Why Paddy's not at jbex today." in sundry
> versions including one by Gerard Hoffnung.
>
> How much of Victor Borge's stuff is available? Phonetic punctuation?
> Inflation?

Done most of that Bernard, but it is worth reviving, thanx.

Tone

On 27/11/2021 08:59, Brian Gaff (Sofa) wrote:
> What about Les Barkers stuff?
> Lots of parodies and silly stuff there I'd say. The set of Guide Cats cds
> are always good fun to listen to.
> I particularly like Send in the cones, Sloop John A and Cheese, not to
> mention Custard tarts etc.
> What about Quazi be good?
> Brian
>

Done most of that too, but worth reviving.

Thanx

Tone

On 26/11/2021 14:23, Tone wrote:
> .... for the Midday Mayhem show.
>
> As long as I can download it from somewhere, you assistance would be
> appreciated.
>
> But keep it clean-ish.
>
> I do have a data base of stuff, but I am now using it for the third time.
>
> I do need some refreshment.

Any Flanders & Swann.

This little number that we once had on 78:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDAfGZRYoiE

Doctor Hook:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TmJw8j2Eos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuvfIePDbgY