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Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:25 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1597

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1597
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1592 12 votes 02352 11361 31431 02244 02244 11343 00642 02370 03252 20631
1592 3.5 mean 3.6 3.4 2.8 3.8 3.8 3.6 3.7 3.4 3.5 3.1

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Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-01

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I was tossing and turning all night last night, didn't sleep at all,
> dreaming about fish and grammar raise and oracles. I think you were in
> my dreams. But why? Can't you bother some other supplican't instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question you thus raise
} Requires a bouillabaisse
} French granmmer - merde pas difficile
} To any not an imbecile
} } Mix flour and milk into a roux
} Add butter: that's not hard to do
} Then lihghtly steam on cooktop pan
} It's capable of any man
} } A sea fish is the best you see
} A cod or something that will be
} the best, toss lightly as you are
} And you'll find dish spectacular
} Add little cream - don1t overdo it
} Otherwise you'll find they spew it
} Top with parsley then you're done
} Gentle heat - at 21
} } Thence fish in huit minutes will be
} As tender tasty as can be
} } You owe the Oracle Albert Haddock

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Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Am I really autistic? On the one hand I was talking to myself, but on
> the other hand it was about the pain I was feeling from looking at a
> picture of a person with a deformity. But does that just mean I'm not a
> psycho? On the other hand, maybe I'm just selfish and weak? I'm so
> confused.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are truly artistic. You are engaged in a fully functional exercise
} in collaborative writing, and anything you say, write or smell will be
} taken as your contribution to our cohesive yet diverse community of nut
} cases. None of us is psychic (except for me, the Oracle Himself) but
} all of us share in a unique and ongoing psychotic episode. So yes, you
} are psycho, but only if you doubt it.
} } Unless you are the kind of idiot who has two e-mail addresses so that
} you can answer your own questions as both supplicant and incarnation,
} you are not actually crazy. I tried that once and they came and locked
} me up, here in the sub-basement of the mathematics building at Indiana
} University. I escape frequently, especially for trips to Cancun.
} } You owe the Oracle your further belief in the absurd, and an interview
} with His Imperial Majesty Joshua A. Norton.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Le soleil s'arrive
> Ciels aux aut bleu
> C'est pas dnuaguex
> Espoiler la vue
>
> Mais il pleut. Il pleut dans ma couer
> La meteo dit "claire" aujourd-hui
> Il ne sais pas, ma femme n'ice
> Alors il pleut... il pleut dans ma coeur
>
> Oh' miserie, miserie, qui va less-que au moi?
> R. S. V. P.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you mean "ma femme n'ice" she can overlook one English word. She's
} warm. Enjoy.
} If you mean "ma femme nice, she can overlook one English word. She's
} nice. Enjoy.
} If you mean "ma femme n'ici" she's gone. Enjoy.
} } Si vous voulez qu'elle revienne, ne lui donnez pas de fromage
} ame'ricain.

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Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-04

Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I just moved to France and the water taps are all wrong. The right-hand
> tap (C) (that's cold, of course) gives hot water. And the hot tap is
> marked (F) and gives cold water. Do French plumbers hate me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No way, that's clearly Celsius and Fahrenheit. Calm the F down.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-05

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I was marked wrong because I din't catiplaize Bleak an din't spell it
> rite. But why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the Dickens?!
} } It is perfectly simple Molesworth as ane fule kno. Bleak House was
} where mane of his farmers novels were writ, on the kent (sp korect for
} a change) coast at Broadstairs. He rote several farmers novels there
} including Martin Chuuzzlewit, the aforemenshioned Bleek House, A
} Picture of Dorian Gray no hang on that was Wilde, er and some other
} stuff including his unfinished novel.
} } Broadstairs a small coastal town by the sea in Kent, has ideal views
} of windfarms. Add that in your essay to pad it out a bit. Its most
} famous resident was Charles - oh we did that. With its wide sandy
} beaches and olde worlde charm (please be aware olde and worlde are not
} proper speling, Molesworth, but used by signwriters on shops you
} should not enter as they are full of creme tees and old lades) viking
} bay is a popular spot for surfers and on a gud day you kan se the
} ferries going from Dover to Calais. That is abt all i kan sa abt
} Broadstairs. There is trane that go to Charing X. And bak agane.
} } English orfografie is all over the place cos of infulences from varyus
} other languages and rely speling reform did not get hold until
} Johnson's dictionary of 1752. befor that peple just spelled or spelt
} as they fancied. Webster in north america tried to sort the mess out
} but still leaves some anomlys.
} } For example take the dipthong "ch". Chime, pitch, loch, chimera,
} chamois. wot chance does a skoolboy hav? It's a chiz.
} } So forget ever atempting to spel korektly and do it all fonetic and
} say you are brave kuting a new wave. Key dates Webster 1811, Johnson
} 1752, establishment of O E D 1930ish (plese chek) and general trend
} towards deskriptiv instead of preskriptiv gramar, Take Kings English
} (1911) by Fowler bros, as updated by Gowers in 1952. That should pad
} out midle of your esay.
} } It helps if yuo speke another language to se how ridikulous english
} speling is.
} } You ow the Orakle a grote.

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Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How may I conquer my anxieties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is time to take the bull by the tail and look the matter squarely in
} the face.

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Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why didn't I marry Caroline Kennedy (daughter of JFK) when I had the
> chance, when I learned that she had left Schlossburger? That I wasn't
> born until 2004 should not have been an excuse, right? Meanwhile,
> what's a good plan for finding someone I should marry, perforably with
> lots of money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although I am completely infallible, I do not have a brilliant
} track-record on match-making. This explains why I encouraged Zadoc to
} date a Tibetan Buddhist monk (they both spent most of their time
} sweeping floors, which I think counts for something). What I failed to
} consider was their different shift patterns (Zadoc works 6am-11pm
} every day and the monk works 11pm-6am and meditates the rest of the
} time) and eating habits (the monk is vegetarian, and Zadoc literally
} eats habits).
}
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