In article <c7c4e239-1322-4f10-9749-4619b41ee90cn@googlegroups.com>,
Lenona <lenona321@yahoo.com> wrote:
....
>I love asking these questions because 1.) people question why I dont want
>kids and its only fair to question if theyre prepared for the various
>outcomes of having a kid and 2.) I like making them truly consider what
>having a kid means.
>
>A lot of people dont think of any of this stuff, which astounds me because
>having a kid is a lifelong commitment.

There are lots of things in life where, if people fully understood the
consequences, they'd never go through with it. But, since we believe, for
various reasons, that the thing needs to be done, we intentionally
hide/conceal the true implications from people, so that they will go
through with it.

I have often thought that most surgeries are in this category. If people
really knew what they were in for, they'd never do it. People think, "Oh,
yeah, I'll just go in on Thursday, have it done, then be back on the tennis
courts on Saturday." It is only when they've already been cut open, that
they realize that they are going to be basically bedridden for 6 months and
not really feel anything approaching normal for about a year. If they
knew, they'd find a reason to postpone or cancel the surgery. But we know
that the surgery is necessary (or else we'd not be doing it at all), so we
hide the truth from the patient (and/or allow people to delude themselves).

Having children is much the same. Society has deemed it necessary (else
the economy will crash and burn), so we hide it (and/or allow people to delude
themselves) about what's really involved.

These are just two examples. There are zillions more.

--
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

- Napoleon Bonaparte -

> From Reddit:
>
> Posted by u/ybaghops
> 19 hours ago
> A lot of my friends are going through baby fever and I, being the skeptical being that I am, like to challenge them. I’ll ask them what if their kid ended up being different than the idealized version they have in their head. I do this because whether they want to admit it or not, people who want kids usually have an idea of what kind of kid they want.

Speaking of asking people to think about subjects they don't WANT to think about, but should:

"Why do people have kids with less than stellar people??"

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/vxp3b3/why_do_people_have_kids_with_less_than_stellar/

The OP wrote:

"...It astounds me that people either don’t ask proper questions or get to know their partner before having kids and choosing a shitty spouse/partner. The issues so often described are there from the BEGINNING people don’t take the time to evaluate themselves and what they want or who they want. Then they complain about everything wrong with the relationship or particular individual. When ALL of that or MOST of it can easily be avoided had they evaluated and asked questions.

"A friend told me when we were talking about relationships, child rearing, and parents 'You don’t talk about real stuff like finances, values, etc on dates; that’s unrealistic!! You do that stuff when you move in or are married.'

"Am I missing something here??? I SO would talk about ALL that with prospective partners before I invested in them and the relationship. Am I completely wrong in that regard?? My friend seems to think I’m a complete weirdo because I approach relationships differently..."

(snip)

I thought this comment was especially good:

pure_rage123
18 hr. ago
"This reminds me of a guy I was seeing who was a bit bothered that I brought up not wanting kids about one month into dating and thought this was a more 3 year conversation. When I ended things because he wasn’t sure about kids and I have no interest in dating a fence sitter, he asked why I didn’t bring it up sooner if it was so important to me…."

And:

floridorito
1 day ago
"I briefly dated a guy once who didn't want to discuss religion because 'it doesn't matter until it matters.' Um, exactly! Why wait to find out that you have totally conflicting beliefs and values and are completely incompatible?"

I haven't read all the comments (85 of them, so far), but few of them seem to be pointing out that to avoid turning people off when dating, one has to be SUBTLE about gathering information - at least, early on. I.e., there is such a thing as a happy medium between bluntness (on the first two dates) and willful, "romantic" blindness. For starters, you can ask "what do you hope to be doing in ten years?" Nice and open-ended. If the answer includes the statement "I hope I'll have a kid or two," you'll have some a better idea whether or not you want to continue with that person.

And, if you're frugal and want a similar spouse:

Amy Dacyczyn wrote this, in the early 1990s (page 154 of vol. 1 of "The Tightwad Gazette).

"...Largely it is a matter of thoughtfulness and style. Whipping out your two-for-one coupon at a cafeteria-style chain steak house may lack a certain class. Instead plan a modest but elegant picnic at your special private spot. If you really want to separate the wheat from the chaff, plan a characteristically tightwad date, something that you enjoy and is a regular part of your life. It might be a date to go yard saling. You plan the route, and bring the homemade muffins and thermos of coffee.

"While you are putting out your tasteful but frugal date bait, look closely at the reaction it brings. Look for it in the eyes. A spendthrift will appear to not 'get it,' and have a furrowed quizzical look. A tightwad will twinkle with delight."

And earlier, she pointed out that the reality is that we fall in love with people we spend time with, so "it makes sense to look for the signals of all sorts of incompatibility during the first dates, before the emotional hook occurs, and not spend time with people who appear to have dissimilar values and goals."