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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1598

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o Internet Oracularities Digest #1598oracle-request

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Internet Oracularities Digest #1598

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From: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1598
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: Tue, 7 Sep 2021 00:52:10 -0000 (UTC)
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC
Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu
Message-ID: <sh6d3q$jv8$1@reader1.panix.com>
Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org
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 by: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org - Tue, 7 Sep 2021 00:52 UTC

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Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:51:58 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1598

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1598
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1593 11 votes 03233 01460 00362 33230 11432 21233 02324 10433 11171 04232
1593 3.4 mean 3.5 3.5 3.9 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.7 3.6 3.5 3.3

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:51:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-01

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> (snort)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, a horse. I do not get very many questions from horses. Indeed,
} your "snort" might not be a question, but instead a profound statement.
} It's likely that you need advice on handling unskilled riders. Here's
} what to do.....
} } If the rider is not so painful that you have already given him
} impromptu aviation, then simply take off at a trot or even a gallop, go
} all the way down to the far side of the ring, and perform your very
} best pivot. Owing to the laws of motion, your rider will be unlikely to
} accomplish your sudden change in direction, and will be dumped
} unceremoniously on the ground. Trot proudly back.
} } To complete the dumped rider's misery you might then allow a
} three-year-old child to ride, demonstrating to your unskilled previous
} passenger that the problem lay not with the horse, but with the rider.
} } You owe the Oracle a vector shaped like a carrot.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wholly Oracle, who owns the Translation of the Saint James Bible (KJV)
> into the original Greek that I cannot read, and whose nose is not
> stained with the blood of turnips, please explain the letters Paul
> wrote to the Corinthions from Emphasis. And why can't I ever
> underrstand any of the religious stuff no matter who is preaching it?
>
> Oh, and to Hell with spelling corrections it just makes things oven
> worse.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Saul, better known as Paul, or possibly Pauline. Strange chap.
} } I knew him when he was lying on the M5 out of Damascus, blinking after
} being run over by a horse-and-cart. He kept shouting about the light,
} but I'm fairly sure it was the after-effect of one of the horses
} shitting in his eye.
} } It really affected his writing style, that did. Up until then he'd
} done some really funny columns for the Nazarene Herald. Gags like
} "this guy Jesus says he had to strain out a gnat instead of swallowing
} a camel? You should try drinking anything that's been through the
} Roman water-pipes. I've had three wasps, two snakes, and a bloke who
} claimed he'd slipped on the aqueduct in Jerusalem. And that was just
} last Sabbath. Am I right, guys? (Please don't murder me Mr Centurion;
} satire never really works anyway, does it?)"
} } Anyway, his letters got really weird. He'd always been a bit of a
} misogynist and more-Pharaseical-than-thou but he went a bit far by
} most people's standards. Logically coherent, but given that his
} starting point was about as realistic as suggesting that Bill Gates
} planned a pandemic in 1995 just to get his own back at people who hid
} a flight simulator in Excel, that's not a good look.
} } Anyway, no-one ever replied to his letters; they just pretended they
} must have been delivered to the neighbours, or the Pontifical Post
} dropped them in the Lake of Tiberias, or the jackals must have eaten
} it. Anything to avoid having to read the rabid writings of a man who
} believed he was caught up to the seventh heaven when everyone knew
} that what happened was he passed out drunk in Mrs Jebediah
} Swampgrove's Sickly Drinks Parlour and Molly took him upstairs to
} sleep it off.
} } Shame really; if just one person had told him that the people of
} Corinth didn't want to be told about sexual purity, they were having
} enough trouble with Derek from Number 5 and his Turkish pine
} overshaddowing the tavern's beer garden, then perhaps Paul wouldn't
} have had to write them two more letters (we only have the third one,
} the second genuinely did get eaten by foxes), and we'd have been saved
} one of his more embarrassing rants.
} } You owe the Oracle a Biblical concordance that includes Paul's
} correspondence with the insurers of the horse-driver that knocked him
} over. 50 denarii for washing horse hoof-prints out of his tunic? I
} mean, really!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Grand and perfluffluous Oracle, I am still waiting for an answer to
> that question about the geraniums that I sent last week.
>
> Hold on a minute, I just thought of something.
>
> Oh Jeeeezuz, I sent it to my late Aunt "Fluffy" Fischboner by mistake.
> I am so terribly sorry. And I probably should have been asking about
> the chemical element Germanium instead. Far more scientific than
> flowers. Can you forgive me? And what answer would you have given if I
> actually asked you my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clemens Winkler discovered geraniums in 1886 because he was looking
} for something to fill the gap in his periodic dining-table. His
} neighbour was somewhat anti-money, and felt that on the importance
} scale, geraniums fell somewhere between cheap-as-tin and a silly-con.
} } Previously known as heck-a-silicon, germanium was quickly named after
} Germany because they were getting antsy about their empire starting to
} collapse and no-one wanted to have to count otters, van, bees' marks,
} bath towels, and dutch elms.
} } You owe the Oracle your late Aunt's husband's phone number. I have a
} flower bed I'd like him to dig over, if you know what I mean.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> As I told you before on Reddit, I DON'T WORK HERE.
>
> I don't work over there, either.
>
> In fact, I don't work at all.
>
> Please tell these bothersome people to go away and leave me a loan.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now that you're retired, you have a whole universe of things to
} consider. When is my social security check going to arrive?
} What held this hair that fell out in yesterday?
} Is it covered by Medicare?
} What does Joe Namath know about Medicare Coverage?
} Is fifty cats too many for a one-bedroom apartment?
} Where can I go to meet seniors online?
} Do I qualify for the senior discount at Taco Bell?
} Why are all the cars on the freeway passing me and honking their horns?
} Do these suspenders make me look sophisticated?
} What happened to all that money I made while I was working?
} How do I change the battery in my pacemaker?
} What shade of purple is best for this hat?
} Why did I come into this room?
} What's the best way to stay regular?
} Why do people say I have memory problems when I can remember things
} that happened before they were born?
} Why did I think that all that important stuff my whole life was
} important? Do I have to go to my grandchildren's school play after I
} went to their parents school play?
} What happens when I press this bu

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-05

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> So the Dr says I have seriovipolus or something that sounds like that.
> So I ask him, "Doc, is it serious?"
>
> He says, "No, it's seriovipolus."
>
> Goddamm wise guy.
>
> What's the cure? Best if it has like brandy or schnapps in it.


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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1598

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