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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1600

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o Internet Oracularities Digest #1600oracle-request

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Internet Oracularities Digest #1600

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From: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1600
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2022 15:01:31 -0000 (UTC)
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC
Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu
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Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org
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Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:18 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1600

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1600
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1595 13 votes 22423 23422 31441 03325 20452 41332 15223 04621 12244 04252
1595 3.2 mean 3.2 2.9 2.9 3.7 3.4 2.8 3.1 3.0 3.6 3.4

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:20 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Sorry, I overmisunderestimated in my last question. Please except my
> repugnance for this uncoveredly fact. Now let's get to a good question.
> Where did I leave it, and how will I know I've found it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some supplicants are beyond help. Others are Far Beyond Help. You have
} left those losers in the mud. Like outtasight beyond help.
} } Don't worry about tribute. I would not want to be owed anything from
} you.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:21 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Orrie whose fossil fuel
> Can only be talked of as cool
> Whose coking is brill
> And gives all us a thrill
> While our heating remains duel.
>
> I have been having a yak with me coal porter. But I think he might have
> sold me down the river. What to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those spots that appear on your hands when you get seriously old are
} sometimes called liver spots. They are a sign of Old Man Liver. You'd
} best send Cole to Newcastle.
} } You owe the Oracle some less far-fetched stuff. Perhaps compare
} Newcastle and Aintree races. As in racing, not racists.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:22 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-03

Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What if I misspell "sic"? Then what happens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll fall into a very sic (sic) joke.
} } You owe the Oracle a spell of good healht.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:23 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-04

Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Would you say that schizophrenics are more fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Schizophrenia means never having to admit you might be sane. Of course
} it's fun. I'm schizophrenic on alternate Tuesdays every week, when I
} hallucinate that I am receiving mysterious supplications from idiotic
} supplicants such as you. For further details see your shrink.
} } You owe the Oracle a resurrected implementation of Parry the Paranoid.
} And a bottle of rum.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:24 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Which broads should I study?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My earlier answer was in the singular, not the plural, and I told you
} to study "abroad" or perhaps "aboard" which you could do on the boat
} taking you to foreign shores. Lots of pretty foreign girls there,
} really exotic. Pretty foreign. They were supposed to be able to totally
} misunderstand you no matter how much you studied them.
} } In the typical fashion of the ordinary and useless ("too short")
} supplicant you ignored my advice and did everything else instead.
} } You have now screwed the nail, and are left with a pile of lumber, 1x6
} boards that are too short for your purposes. Study them well. They're
} all you'll get.
} } You owe the Oracle a better grade of vodka. My current supply does not
} get me drunk enough to answer you properly.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> She wants me to rearrange her insides??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Open the door to her closet.
} } No, no, no! Not that one! That's Fibber McGee's closet. Everything will
} fall out with a terrible clatter.
} } It's the other closet, where she keeps packages of stuffing for making
} toys for children and also the bags of stuffing for filling Christmas
} turkeys. She's been getting them confused lately, and the last turkey
} she baked was dreadful.
} } Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to rearrange that closet.
} And also to eat the dreadful stuffed turkey.
} } Rotsa.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Grand and almost-fluffy Oracle, who can tell the difference between
> the Portuguese and the Portuganders, as well as and also between the
> Mishigas and the Michiganders, please explain to me where I can find
> the Silly Aisles. Back in that time there was the Wholly Roman Umpire.
> Please explain him, too, more or lest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Silly Aisles are located in England or the United Kingdom or
} Great Britain. [We're off to a bad start]. There are five or six
} islands, depending on whether you count Gugh separately from St.
} Agnes. [Things are not getting better.] The largest city is Hugh
} Town where 1,097 lived in 2011, up from 1,068 in 2001. No word on
} where the additional 29 people came from, births, immigrants from
} London, or just washed up on shore. [This town is not Huge in my
} book, the Oracle Book of Huge towns, available from the B family
} of bookstores, B. Dalton, Barnes and Noble, and Borders, except
} B. Dalton and Borders, which have gone out of business.]
} } I congratulate you on the depth of your question (something the
} Oracle almost never does) because there is actually a Roman temple
} in Hugh Town. Hasn't been excavated, so nobody knows what's under
} it, except maybe the people who built it.
} } The big event in Hugh is the World Championship Pilot Gig Race, held
} on the May Day Bank holiday. [They close the banks for Gig Races?
} Apparently they do. That's money banks, not river banks.] Unlike
} thousands of megabytes, a gig is an oar powered boat used in the 17th
} century to take pilots to incoming Atlantic vessels. The pilot who
} got there first got the job, hence the races. The gig was also one
} of the first shore-based lifeboats. Alfred Hitchcock is known for
} inserting himself as a cameo in his movies, but it took some
} ingenuity to get him into his movie Lifeboat, which, as you may
} have already surmised, took place on a lifeboat. Not a gig lifeboat,
} mind you. [We're going downhill fast. Things are getting worse and
} worse.] He appeared in a newspaper held by one of the survivors
} (on the lifeboat) as the "before" and "after" pictures in an advert
} for the the Sensational New Reduco Obesity Slayer. What Americans
} abbreviate as ad, British abbreviate as advert. That brings us back
} to the beginning, as the Silly Aisles are British.
} } By the way, the female form of Michigander is not Michigoose as many
} belileve, but Michigaze. Go Blue^H^H^H^H Green!
} } You owe the Oracle a video of yourself reading this answer in a loop
} over and over until you drop from exhaustion or starvation. [Neither
} is a good way to lose weight, but you already knew that.]

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Mar 22 11:01:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1600-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:


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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1600

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