MICKEY from PHILADELPHIA ASKS
Delicate matter. My boyfriend and I both enjoy anal sex - that isn't the
problem. He also tells me that he likes the smell of my anus (I should
point out that this is after I've bathed - nothing to do with feces).
When I masturbate I too like the scent of my anus but to hear him say it
made me feel embarrassed. I told a friend, but she just said it was
perverted and weird and reckons I should tell him that. I know sex is a
personal matter, but am I that unusual?

DONALD from AUSTIN REPLIES:
You know, even if it DID or does have to do with feces and the scent of
feces it'd not be anything to be ashamed of.

Really, your friend is being a dope. If we know anything about human
sexuality, we know that what's most normal is difference and variance,
and that it's exceptionally difficult to be able to say, with any
authority, that nearly ANY sexual behavior or preference is "weird."
Even the word "perverted" is arbitrary: it's always about what's seen as
normal or abnormal by a given person's standards, which are often
subjective. Not that long ago, oral sex was considered perverse by a
great portion of the population, for instance, but about the same number
of people would consider it very normal now, even though the practice
itself hasn't changed in any way.

There's nothing wrong or unusual about finding the anus erotic or
anything related to it: it's part of your genitals, and most people
eroticize the genitals. In fact, we could almost say that it'd be pretty
unusual or tough to explain why somehow the anus sometimes gets excepted
from the genitalia in terms of the erotic, when it's so clearly part of
that anatomy. On the other hand, plenty of people are put off by the
anus because of fecal matter, perhaps because we think of what comes
from our anuses and rectums as waste (though folks who use composting
toilets certainly disagree), and so associate it with sickness, rot or
death in some way, and thus, feel uncomfortable about it. Too, a lot of
people have grown up with a lot of shame about their bottoms.

Point is, these options are really very personal, and vary an awful lot,
and it's not very helpful to know if someone who isn't us or our sexual
partners feels they're "normal" or "perverted." For sure, we want to be
concerned with if things we're doing are safe, and with if what we enjoy
for ourselves is doing harm to us or someone else, but since there's
absolutely no way you and your partner enjoying each other's anuses and
the normal scent of your bodies could do you or anyone else harm (so
long as you're being smart about safer sex and the like when you're
doing more than just sniffing about), that's pretty moot, here. You know
YOU enjoy this and you know your partner enjoys this too -- since you
also know that enjoyment does no one any harm, you know all you need to
from who you need to.

Most studies done on the subject of anal eroticism of late show that
it's anything but abnormal: a recent CDC study reported almost 40% of
heterosexual men engaging in some form of anal sex, and and just over
30% of women. Since sex is a multi-sensory experience, we can safely
include enjoying the appearance, scent, taste or feel of the anus in the
anal sex people are having.

You're not unusual, Mickey. And coming from someone who finds herself
immersed in work with a lot of people with a lot of negative feelings
about their bodies, their functions, and the way they look, feel, taste
and smell, not only do I think there's no reason for you to feel funny
about this, I think that it's absolutely fantastic you and your partner
are able to enjoy the way any part of you smells.