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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1601

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o Internet Oracularities Digest #1601oracle-request

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Internet Oracularities Digest #1601

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From: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1601
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2022 22:53:54 -0000 (UTC)
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC
Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu
Message-ID: <tgg4m2$khc$1@reader2.panix.com>
Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org
Injection-Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2022 22:53:54 -0000 (UTC)
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 by: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org - Wed, 21 Sep 2022 22:53 UTC

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Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:42 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1601

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1601
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1596 9 votes 01134 02151 02340 00441 04113 12510 11241 03312 02421 21231
1596 3.3 mean 4.1 3.6 3.2 3.7 3.3 2.7 3.3 3.2 3.2 3.0

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> In honour of the obvious merits of the French "metric" system over the
> despised "English" system of measurement, I propose metric gold.
> Instead of 24 carats, there will be 100, which will multiply the amount
> of gold by 4, roughly, allowing more wealth for everyone. I'll keep the
> small bits of gold left over from the conversion, where 96 (that's 24
> times 4) is not quite equal to 100.
>
> Please provide for me a set of watertight logical arguments to persuade
> the governments and scientific societies everywhere of the merits of my
> new system. Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following Oracular response has been transcribed by an English
} incarnation, who is therefore gritting their teeth in being forced to
} promote France over England.
} } "An Englishman's home is his castle" is a well-known saying. This is
} patently not true as very few English homes are surrounded by moats or
} equipped with portcullises, or indeed supported by a feudal system of
} repressed peasants.
} The English system of financial stability is founded on the Royal Mint
} (Prince Charles is known to like Polo) and the Bank of England (this
} should be the "Banksy of England", as it is based on political satire,
} graffitti, and shredded paper).
} English people are very much in favour of the "carrot and stick"
} approach, and have frequently chosen the stick over the carat (the
} late Sean Lock notwithstanding).
} } From this, we can deduce that an English house is largely constructed
} from copies of Punch (shredded) and sticks (sharp), with the financial
} stability of a pyramid scheme built out of damp cigarette papers, and
} this is why the French defeated them in 1066.
} } The French, on the other hand, invented the hot-air balloon (so they
} could look down on everyone), the guillotine (so the rich couldn't
} look down on anyone), the Gay-lussac system (for measuring how likely
} you are to end up in the gutter after drinking), the spirit level (for
} testing if your dead grandmother is telling the truth), and the
} Etch-A-Sketch (easily droppable so you don't have to pin your
} children's artwork to the fridge). They are also the most striking
} people on earth (apart from the RMT union), and have a president named
} after a punctuation mark (imagine if the UK was governed by Mr Acute).
} } We therefore deduce that the French have a completely egalitarian
} society where everyone can be held to account or, alternatively, can
} drink to forget people who have not been held to account. Anything
} they suggest is therefore perfect.
} } Your proposed system of gold is perfect for these troubled times. In
} one fell swoop we enrich the poor (or at least those who have been
} left a small gold ornament by their forebears), annoy Mr Putin (which
} sounds very much like the French for "sex worker"), and provide 4%
} extra for overthrowing the bourgeoisie (anyone who was left *two*
} gold ornaments by their forebears).
} } You owe the Oracle a 4% pay-rise, or I go on strike (which involves
} hitting Zadoc with a match).

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I am afraid of pirates. NOT pilots like the Major General. Salami
> pirates from the Salami country. How can I be sure they won't come here
> and steal my sandwiches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several assurance methods concerning your sandwiches to
} consider, and since they are subjective, this Oracle can only present
} them to you.
} } Make your sandwiches unappetizing by adding unusual condiments or
} disguising your main protein to look like cat food.
} } Change your venue to one far away from the Sandwich Isles; everyone is
} hungry there.
} } Buy a sandwich insurance policy; yes, you may lose a sandwich but get
} one replenished quickly enough.
} } But my favorite choice would be to hang a sign on your door advertising
} that you have a vegan home. Then no salami man would then step foot
} there.
} } You owe the Oracle one pepperoni stick.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Nobody understands me. Sometimes gur jbeqf V fcrnx trg nyy fjveyrq
> nebhaq naq V znxr ab frafr ng nyy. Could you perhaps administer half a
> ZOT as sort of a correction? Guvatf ner trggvat gbgnyyl evqvphybhf,
> nyzbfg yvxr Whyvhf Frvmher. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's be honest here, abobql haqrefgnaqf lbh orpnhfr lbh'er EBGgra. :-)

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Assuming it's even a real thing, what's a "groomerang"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's simply part of silly wedding traditions. The bridesmaid who
} catches the bride's bouquet is supposed to be the next victim. The
} groom's second cousin who gets covered with the groom's vomit (the
} groomerang) when they were out drinking the night before the wedding
} and has to get removed but it is a real mess becomes a second cousin
} once removed. The groom's third cousin (Alfie, you remember him) steps
} into second place, unless he trips on his own shoelaces. Oops, he did.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What the heck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, heck. It's the part of eternity that holds people who use
} euphemisms. Darn it to heck and what the heck are two of the famous
} ones. You owe the Oracle, whose throne is leaking, a better porcelain
} euphemism.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 Sep 22 18:53:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1601-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I was trying to hunt up the meaning of the word majnun but I spelled it
> wrong and got mahjongg instead. Now I am obsessed, totally crazy, of,
> with or about playing mahjongg. Or perhaps majnun. I just bought 28
> identical sets of mahjongg tiles, all exceptionally antique and
> exceptionally unique.
>
> Anyway that's all milk over the damn, not worth thinking about. Please
> give me a better obsession so that I can ask you good questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Better obsession" otherwise known as "an addiction to gamblers".
} } Shepherds are obsessed with gambollers.
} } Gambolling sheep are often frisky, but they're not good at airport
} security pat-downs.
} } Pat-downs are what you get from cows, or maybe herds of cattle.
} } I've heard of cattle; they tend to low a lot at night.
} } A low-lying cow means it's going to rain.
} } "To reign" is a toast to Elizabeth's long occupation of the throne.
} } A long occupation of the throne is a reason to consult a Bristol Stool
} Chart.
} } A Bristol Stool Chart is not a list of furniture from the River Severn.
}
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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1601

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