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HowTo:Cook A Human
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Delicious? You bet!
“I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

~ Straw Hat Montgomery
“A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not over-cook her.”

~ Oscar Wilde
“This burger restaurant serves Humanity!”

~ an alien
Remember, cannibalism isn't per se illegal in most of the US –so as long as you get your next meal legally you can cook away and be worry free!

If you're reading this you wanna eat a human. That's a bad idea, but if
you're ready to commit yourself to doing so then here you go: If you
ever get tired of eating a traditional turkey dinner during
Thanksgiving or boring old ham during Easter, or guinea fowl during
Kwanzaa, maybe you should consider the other other white meat. It has
been a long-standing tradition throughout the centuries to chow down on
the slow simmered remains of our fallen enemies, but this culinary art
form received little recognition in western culture. Like the tomato,
which was once thought to be poisonous, human flesh is actually a very
healthful alternative to the hormone-injected meat you find at your
local supermarket, and eating a person is not a soul crushing sin like
some conservative religions want you to believe. The fact is that human
flesh is both flavorful and full of the essential nutrition our bodies
need.

Picking The Right Human

Nothing is as classy as a properly cooked person!
Like a cantaloupe, picking the right person to eat can be a challenge unless you know what you are doing. Here are a few helpful hints in selecting the right one to eat.

Age Just like other game meat, humans get tough and stringy with age. Anyone 3–16 years old tastes great. Their well shaped legs are great for tender, succulent meals. Girls do taste better than boys.
Size Like a good marbled beef, you want your human to have a bit of fat on them and to be of a large weight and size. While a very thin woman may be found attractive, the fact is that what little meat they have is stringy and tough. Very heavy humans tend to be more tender and juicy, so they should be fattened if you desire extra flavor. The meat found on bodybuilders and strongmen are tough and flavorless due to the lack of fat. The perfect cut of human flesh comes from the average Australian couch potato Due to that fact that with any other feat, flavor come from the fat. However, be careful that you do not become an Australian yourself from too much fat intake.
Sex As in monkey sex, sex doesn't really matter. Although, females do tend to taste better, and males tend to have more muscle (that means more ballfat) on them.
Nationality Actual race and color have very little to do with the taste of humans. All races are pink and fleshy underneath the skin. Some believe that brown skinned people contain more omega-3 and calcium, but that is just a myth (however you are welcome to test this for yourself). However one thing that does make a difference is diet. Humans who are strictly vegetarian tend to taste a bit more beefy than those that primarily eat meat. Other considerations are salt and spice intake. Italians, for example, tend to have a mild, natural garlic taste while people from India tend to be a bit on the spicy side. Also another tip is to cook the anus with salt and garlic at 450 degrees (rare to well done is up to you). The healthiest part of the human body is the lymph nodes and also, the urethra. But if undercooked they will taste sour and tangy. If you follow these instructions then you will have a wonderful meal.
Health is only a word. Remember the old words of wisdom, "what you eat is what you are". Over-consumption of Germans has been known to lead to antisemitic ideals, and Swedish meat may lead to creating windmills and wooden shoes. The greatest thing to be warned about is the meat of the overweight Australian.
Industrial Farming Some proponents of "human rights" have criticized the cramped and inhospitable living conditions used for the industrial production of humans for food and other industrial purposes. Humans should be given a minimum of a hundred square feet (about thirty square meters) per person per household. Less than this and the humans may begin to "peck each others eyes out", which can increase the risk of disease. Also, you should not allow your humans to amass too much garbage or cheap plastics, as this can diminish the effective living area inside of their cages.
Where to get your human
Fortunately, humans are very abundant and the value of a human life has never been lower! Humans have become so common that it is hard to walk down the street without running into many, many potential meals. Schools, colleges, orphanages, stores, and more allow humans to be a more easy form of food to catch. First, a good place to hide is near a street, perhaps in a bush, or in a tree. Once one is spotted, grab them and drag or carry the meal to your car. Once inside, you should strip them until they are down to their underpants. Then tie them up with heavy ropes so they can't move. Once home, untie them and then take off their underpants so now they're fully naked. If you are feeling a little frisky, it's alright to "play" with your food. You're going to eat it anyway, so why not have a little fun? Now you can put the child in the oven for 1 hour or eat it raw. If you are feeling audacious, you can even eat it alive. Just pick a spot on their body and bite (tying your meal down is recommended, however). If you want it to taste better give it a bath. If you are planning to eat the child raw or alive, you have to bath it so you won't get sick and make the water very hot. Also, be sure to shave all the pubic hair off. When you are done bathing it you have to dry all the body parts. Before you start eating get another child and make a child sandwich: it is done by getting two people lay on top of each other naked and put what ever you want on them and then eating both of them at the same time. For your sandwich you should get a boy and a girl and make sure they are around or the same age because it will taste great!

It should be noted, however, that the hunting of this animal is still considered illegal in several states and in the more conservative areas of Europe. Asia and Africa, by contrast, are so over populated with unwanted humans that the local governments have started campaigns to rid themselves of the extra people. In China, breeding more than one human offspring is a federal offense and in the middle east they have taken to blowing up as many humans as they can just to lower the population. In the United States, however with the explosion of the population, President Obama would freely give you a human to devour to "stabilize the population".

Human hunting can be very exciting. Humans don't want to just become dinner, so they will use their natural instincts to try to avoid being captured. Many people will attempt a counterattack, thus making the hunter the hunted.. If you are not a big game hunter and don't care for the edge-of-your-seat thrill of bringing down your kill, don't worry, the average drug-addicted bum will gladly off someone for you for a small fee or a few grams of their favorite medication. Or use some heavy sedatives. Pricks and bullies are also good sources of human flesh, but the end product is usually so battered that it is only good for ground meat or stew cuts. Finally, with the lax morals of today's youth and the right to cheap abortions, there is always a large supply of fresh human fetuses to go around; check around the back of your local chapter of Planned Parenthood as they always have a fresh supply.. Also, prostitutes and young high school dropouts taste spicy. Their attitude has something to do with it but their bodies also end up aiding in their consumption. It is estimated that by the year 2018, all young dropouts and prostitutes will have been or are being eaten.