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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1602

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o Internet Oracularities Digest #1602oracle-request

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Internet Oracularities Digest #1602

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From: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1602
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2023 12:41:08 -0000 (UTC)
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC
Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu
Message-ID: <tq3gl4$fd2$1@reader2.panix.com>
Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org
Injection-Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2023 12:41:08 -0000 (UTC)
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 by: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org - Mon, 16 Jan 2023 12:41 UTC

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Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:55 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1602

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1602
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1597 12 votes 42231 14421 31620 01281 24141 35211 03441 01542 02334 02343
1597 3.1 mean 2.6 2.8 2.6 3.8 2.8 2.3 3.2 3.6 3.8 3.7

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey Orrie! You remember Suzie Slender from my high school class? The
> one all the guys including me were drooling over about? And how I
> thought that she should marry me but instead married Briff the fortball
> player? You know all thatt because you rember everythinng.
>
> So I need a Time Machine or maybe a Secret Chicken Recipe that'll let
> me time travel back so I can get her to marry me instead of Briff.
>
> You'll do this for me because you are nifty, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, the Oracle is bound by the Laws of the High-and-Mighty
} Elders of Time:
} } 1) No running or shouting.
} 2) No pushing or ducking.
} 3) No acrobatics or gymnastics.
} 4) No peeing in the pool.
} } To explain:
} 1) Shouting, "She's gonna blow!" and running away in Pompeii 79CE may
} lead to too many Romans surviving.
} 2) Ducking, and pushing Archduke Franz Ferdinand into the path of a
} bullet might have started a bit of an argument.
} 3) A certain gymnast, who will remain nameless, went back in time to
} the 19XX Olympic Games, and won Gold for YYYYY. Their name was longer
} than average, which meant that copies of Encyclopedia Britannica had
} to be completely re-typeset, resulting in the Great Paper Shortage of
} 1957.
} 4) Distrust anything that makes you feel warm and fuzzy for a little
} while. It's not a good sign in a swimming pool, and it's not a good
} sign in time-travel, even if done for the right motives.
} } So, much as I'd like to help you achieve your dream of marrying Suzie,
} it's not going to happen, I'm afraid. Also, as Briff currently earns
} $2.5m a year, and you are heavily in debt due to frequently sending
} Suzie a carpet of roses (not sure why; they're a bit prickly) to
} demonstrate your undying love for her, I'm not convinced that she
} feels the same way.
} } You owe the Oracle a copy of the rules of fortball; it sounds
} suspiciously like the new "football" that High-Lord Symmons (Elder of
} Time) invented recently and was betting on being "the next big thing".

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You recommended Schnebly Hill Road near Sedona, AZ
> for Spring Break. I shot right by the warning sign "Not suitable for
> passenger vehicles" and broke my springs, my oil pan, my brake lines
> and some other parts I never imagined my car had. That guy in Sedona at
> Honest Charlie's Ripped Repair replaced nearly everything.
>
> I later got a second opinion, which was that my car didn't really need
> a cylinder decontamination barrister, a grid-leak resistor, or a
> left-turn oil spray corrector. So I went back to Sedona to see Honest
> Charlie but he wasn't there. No building, no nothing.
>
> Where is he, and how can I get my money back? I'm broke.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Honest Charlie is neither (you're the Charlie).
} The Democratic People's Republic of Korea isn't.
} A Reliant Robin wasn't.
} The Christian Right is neither.
} } Anyway, "Charlie" is by now living in Arkansas with Gorgeous Gracie,
} winner of Miss Tennessee (excellent travel advice) in 2008. The
} building was packed into his suitcase by opening a valve and letting
} it down gently.
} } You can get your money back by sending a blank cheque made payable to
} Clement Ash (C. Ash for short) and sending it to Pat The Butcher in an
} envelope marked "BBC Radio 4 Appeal" (not sure why R4 needs to appeal;
} it hasn't been convicted of anything).
} } You owe the Oracle some sky hooks, tartan paint, and a long stand.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-03

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is it true that there exists a mathematical way to encode a person's
> face alphanumerically so that so that plain and beautiful people have
> shorter coded descriptions than ugly people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. Look at my code: 5
} } Now look at Zadoc's:
} X5774DD9J983DEADBEEFDEADBEEFDEADBEEF00000000DEADBEEF
} } What more proof could you want?

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-04

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I asked you for Alexander The Great's middle name and you said
> Catherine. So I told you that was silly and you told me that Charles
> T. Fat (what a horrid name) was also Charles T. Third and that he
> (or they) shared (or chaired) the same name. There may or may not
> have been a Charles T. Grate.
>
> Please give me a total resolution of Royal Names. You may omit E.
> T. IInd because she still seems to be alive, unlike Pope Pius the
> 3.14, who was not.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would like to apologize for the late answering of this
} question. The Oracular mail service has been delayed recently due to
} a postal strike. Zadoc struck a match in the carrier pigeon loft and
} thirty-four birds sadly perished, although some were later found to
} be very tasty with a red wine jus.
} } In any case, E.T.II (aka Nocturnal Fears) is no longer with us, and
} Charlie 3 (sequel to Charlie 2 - Full Throttle) is now on the throne,
} marking the start of the Carol-or-Ian era. Prior to his accession,
} there was speculation that Charles would be called King Arthur or
} King George, or even 'King idiot who talks to plants.
} } But in all the talk of our rulers past and present, we should not
} forget the names of those whom they subjugated.
} Henry VIII had 6 wives, and their fates are recorded in rhyme:
} Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived, reducing them
} to little more than anonymous victims. However, from our more nuanced
} temporal distance, we can re-label them as dead, dead, dead, dead,
} dead, dead.
} } In these enlightened times, there has been much debate on the future
} of the monarchy. Should we allow ourselves to be oppressed by a set
} of partially inbred, out of touch millionaires who went to Eton and
} have never done a day's real work in their lives, or should we let
} the Windsors have a go instead?
} } You owe the Oracle a republic (failing that, a dictatorship with me
} in charge).

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:41:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> My friend Bart is a sedevacantist. He is a Catholic who believes that
> there is no Pope, and that the Throne of St. Peter has been vacant
> since the Vatican II heresies, and that the current "pope" is a Jesuit
> and a Communist.
>
> I told him that Communists were atheists, so he couldn't possibly be
> right.
>
> He laughed with that stupid noise that only your worst supplicants can
> make.
>
> Is YOUR throne vacant? We all need a good flushing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My throne is most certainly NOT vacant. I only leave it to sleep, eat,
} and answer calls of nature (although as I age, the calls are so
} frequent I'm fairly sure they could be classed as harassment).
}
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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1602

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