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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1603

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o Internet Oracularities Digest #1603oracle-request

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Internet Oracularities Digest #1603

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From: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1603
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: Mon, 1 May 2023 15:26:14 -0000 (UTC)
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC
Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu
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Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:01 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1603

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1603
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1598 14 votes 01355 10355 00752 13154 12470 02534 10652 35411 12830 35330
1598 3.3 mean 4.0 3.9 3.6 3.6 3.2 3.6 3.5 2.4 2.9 2.4

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I demand satisfaction.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got it! If anything's wrong, demand your money back. Heck, make
} that double your money back.
} } You still owe the Oracle for three previous answers.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-02

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who is Sarah Tops, and why should I try her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should try to study your etymology more carefully. Get the bugs
} out. "Cera" is from the Latin for wax. She wears hats made of
} wax on top of her head. Three of them.
} } Try to date her in the Late Cretaceous, before the K-T event, or
} she will vanish and you'll never see her again.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have devised a slightly unique proof that 1 + 1 equals two, but the
> margins of my brain are too small to contain it. Please give me a proof
> that is more uniquer without being hopeless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one that has taxed* mathematicians since the Dawn of Time, so
} any proof would be unique.
} * Mathematicians are very poorly paid and so very rarely owe tax. At
} least that's what they tell HMRC; why else do you think they invented
} imaginary numbers?
} } If we assume:
} 1) A spherical cow.
} 2) A frictionless slope.
} 3) The Axiom of Choice.
} then we come up with a cow that chooses to go downhill to make an
} ethically produced milkshake.
} } I'll try again.
} } If we take the average number of romantic partners a mathematician has:
} Zero (yes, that's mean).
} and add the average number of number of coherent ideas in an Elon Musk
} tweet: Zero (like an ancient Iranian, that's Medeian)
} then we get Zero.
} } Nope, still not right.
} } If a football team wins one game, and then they win another game,
} meaning that they win the tournament, we find that two wins make
} three.
} } Tricky this, isn't it?
} } If we take one brain-dead supplicant, and add another brain-dead
} supplicant, we have a barely adequate meal for a zombie.
} } Nope, I give up.
} } You owe the Oracle the reason why wonton dumplings do not weigh one
} tonne.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please give me an excuse. I seem to have run out of excuses, because my
> dog refuses to eat any more of my homework and my grandmother says she
> is tired of having funerals. She says, "Any other decent grandmother
> would have just one funeral and be done with it. Why do I have to have
> eight of them? And that's not including the one you scheduled for
> finals week. That's just too many."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd love to, but unfortunately, I'm flossing my cat. Perhaps Zadoc
} might be able to help.
} } You owe the Oracle a pack of chicken-flavored floss.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You said it would be like being on hallowed ground. Instead it was
> HOLLOWED ground and I fell in. Where am I now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Middle Earth.
} } It's a bad Hobbit of mine.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Sorry, it was merely a case of mistaken identify. I though you were the
> Oracle, but instead you're just one of his incarnations. You'll never
> be able to give me the solution to the elephantine equations.
>
> Instead I'll ask something that's more or less within the bounds of the
> usual incarnational ability.
>
> Explain this joke so that my little brother can understand it.
> Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
> A: |elephant| * |banana| * sin(theta)
>
> Also so that I can, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's a tricky one,
} } First, you have to put the banana and the elephant in box cars. This is
} to clearly delineate the two terms, hence the |elephant| and |banana|.
} } Then you have to put those box cars behind some form of engine. In this
} case, powered by the sin of the theta (as opposed to the sins of the
} father).
} } Finally, you put in the links (*) between the cars and the engine.
} } Then you can get on board, leave the station, and use the banana to
} tickle the elephant under the, well, let's not go there for your little
} brother. Which of course makes the elephant cross since you aren't a
} lady elephant.
} } You owe the Oracle a case of burning ducks.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Attention! The law firm Fenster, Fenster, Fenster and Fenetre has been
> retrained by M1crosoft to sue you, the Internent Oracle, for making
> disparaging remarks about Windows. If you do not remove all offensive
> material from your website and e-mail ("E-MAIL" or "EMAIL") within 24
> hours from noon, yesterday, we will be forced to take action against
> both you and your assistant Zadoc. Please remove your hands from the
> keyboard and your fingers. Any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sure hope so, it's how I stay in business.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-08

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> My grandfather grows germaniuims the flours, not the radioactive
> fuels. But I was thinking that if I could get him to grow fuels
> instead we would have semi-infite power. Like lots of biggawats.
>
> What's the best way to seperate germanuiums (the power not the
> flowr) from the oar? Do I need a Oak Ridge? Grandfather has a Oak
> Tree.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why hello there, precocious youth!
} } Germanium isn't really germane to making power,
} Uranium would be best, but doesn't rhyme with a flower.
} Fusion is very near, within twenty years or so they say,
} But they repeat that mantra every decade without delay.
} Figure something out with this, a 1 millimeter black hole,
} Learn some physics, and some math, but please keep it under control.
} There's energy to be had, both potential and kinetic.
} Accept this kind gift from me, everyone's favourite mystic.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-09


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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1603

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