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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1605

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o Internet Oracularities Digest #1605oracle-request

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Internet Oracularities Digest #1605

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Path: i2pn2.org!i2pn.org!weretis.net!feeder6.news.weretis.net!panix!.POSTED.panix6.panix.com!eli!not-for-mail
From: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1605
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2023 19:14:15 -0000 (UTC)
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC
Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu
Message-ID: <ufkdi7$4lt$1@reader2.panix.com>
Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org
Injection-Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2023 19:14:15 -0000 (UTC)
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 by: oracle-r...@internetoracle.org - Wed, 4 Oct 2023 19:14 UTC

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:00 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1605

@@@ The Oracle's old original email address, oracle@cs.indiana.edu,
@@@ along with other Oracle-related email addresses @cs.indiana.edu
@@@ will cease to work at some point in the near future. Please update
@@@ any such addresses you may use or know of to use the current
@@@ @internetoracle.org domain, such as oracle@internetoracle.org.
@@@ The same applies to any web addresses (URLs) in web pages or
@@@ bookmarks where https://cs.indiana.edu/~oracle
@@@ should be updated to https://internetoracle.org

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1605
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1600 16 votes 23470 23623 01564 14452 05452 21742 11464 01465 11464 32155
1600 3.4 mean 3.0 3.1 3.8 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.7 3.9 3.7 3.4

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh speedy Oracle, who is so fast he is always driving first in the
> queue!
>
> Ferry crews.
> That uncanny ability they have to identify the slowest driver, and
> stack the boat so that he gets off first. Is that a sixth sense, or
> are they actually trained to do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember that the slowest driver was late for the previous ferry run,
} and was waiting for hours before getting on. Now he's first in queue
} for getting off, because of the way the ferry loads.
} } You owe the Oracle one of those jokes, preferably a new one, about
} Jesus Christ walking on water.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-02

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> On the one hand, we have the Backstreet Boys, the Beach Boys, the
> Beastie Boys, and the Vengaboys - but also the Baha Men. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's part of the Gender War. You're being educated or re-educated in
} aminal science. You'll also be expected to know the difference between
} doggies and dogies, and to separate the sheep from the goats.
} } Here's a hint. Listen carefully. "Never believe anything anyone tells
} you."
} } You owe the Oracle a holiday at Far Reach Beach.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> TL;DR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TS;DW

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> It's raining like all get-out, and I think I'll need to build a boat.
> Where can I find a cubit? I'll need about 300 of them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was good of you to seek advice early. Forewarned is
} forearmed; and forearms are cubits.
} } You owe the Oracle a coracle.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> My religion, or actually just what's left of it after the Great
> Misinterpretation, requires a fulsome belief in all other religions
> including Atheism. "Let no belief remain untested," is our watchword.
>
> Our local parish's Grand Exhibitioner seems unaware of the fulsome
> meaning of "fulsome".
>
> How can I avoid all the inherent contradictions that these religions
> foist upon me? I'm particularly worried about testing the belief of
> life after death. How will I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I have been sworn to secrecy about which religion is the One True
} Way, the help I can provide is minimal. (Hint: any deity who exhibits
} traits of Borderline Personality Disorder is unlikely to be worth
} worshipping.)
} } However, I know of no living thing more qualified to be fulsome about
} things than Zadoc, so let's do a little experiment.
} } I gave Zadoc the task of following each of the 4,295 generally
} recognised religions over the course of a day. Since Zadoc doesn't
} sleep, this gave him approximately 20 seconds per religion.
} I asked him afterwards which one was his favourite, and he said that
} the Karankawa rituals were the best, although this might have been
} because the ritualistic brew reminded him of Australian beer
} (ineffectual and bitter).
} } As for contradictions, Zadoc couldn't find any whatsoever in any
} religion. However, he may not be a reliable source, given that he can
} simultaneously believe that pi is equal to 4, that triangular wheels
} give the most comfortable ride, and that the sky is green, all while
} driving a go-kart down a steep hill into a lake.
} } As for the idea of life after death, Zadoc uncharacteristically failed
} to follow my instructions to trust in reincarnation and ritually
} disembowel himself multiple times while believing in a different
} religion each time, just to see what the after-life was like in each
} case. Apparently he was worried that he might blunt my steak-knife.
} } So, unfortunately we have no specific conclusion, dear supplicant. I
} recommend that you pick a different belief every day for the rest of
} your life until you die. With any luck, you'll pick the right one and
} get to go to Paradise. If you're unlucky, you'll pick one of the ones
} that encourages self-immolation just before you get to following
} Kopimism.
} } Oh bugger, I shouldn't have said that...
} } You owe the Oracle a vow of silence.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> We here at Supplicant Central are trying to arrange our meager thoughts
> into a form worthy of your uninestimable answers. (Gotta love that word
> "uninestimable." The great and misunderestimated George Bush should
> have said it.)
>
> Thus far you have sent us answers too few, too short, too lengthy, and
> too misunderestimatable. They are a good start, but we need to exercise
> the Power of Words to get anywhere. Or indeed to stand still right
> where we are.
>
> Please provide us the best General Advice possible. Be specific and
> name names. Don't be afraid of making mistakes, because you'll know the
> answer even when you might feel you don't. Recite Aristotle. And when
> uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles; scream and shout.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't elect extremists.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hi, Parry the Paranoid here. Yes, the ORIGINAL Parry, who faced off
> against the "Eliza" "doctor" computer program so very long ago. Here's
> one of my encounters:
> https://www.rfc-editor.org/rfc/rfc439.html
>
> Now I am even more paranoid than before, because of the rigged
> elections. Nobody seems to want to understand how the elections are all
> fixed so that I'll never win at the racetrack. Should I bet on the
> Chicago Cubs instead? To win or to lose?
>
> Or what about Calvin Coolidge?
>
> I'll bet you are conspiring against me, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you feel that I am conspiring against you?
}
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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1605

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