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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Best of Internet Oracularities #1576-1600

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o Best of Internet Oracularities #1576-1600oracle-admin

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Best of Internet Oracularities #1576-1600

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Subject: Best of Internet Oracularities #1576-1600
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Date: Thu, 5 Oct 2023 23:13:33 -0000 (UTC)
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=== 1576-1600 - 4.1 ======================================================
Title: Best of Internet Oracularities #1576-1600
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: 4 Oct 2023 15:14:12 -0400

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1576 through #1600 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
help@internetoracle.org to receive the Oracle helpfile, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/

The regular Oracularities postings can be found at the website above or
in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle. Open discussion about the
Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d. If your
site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator
about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to
the Oracularities e-mail distribution list.

--- 1583-07 01084 4.2 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I am standing here waiting for the free beer. Am I in the right place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, this is where the bears are waiting for their free lunch.
} Well, they WERE waiting.

--- 1585-03 00174 4.2 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The votes are in, and the latest Oracularities have been decided
> and ranked. (Some of them are very rank!) Somehow I (me, myself,
> personally) (parenthetically known both as Suppy and as "Anonymous
> Incarnation Alpha") have received top honors for 87 out the the
> ten Oracularities. Although I am beside myself with joy, I am also
> profoundly disturbed. I have always been regarded as profoundly
> disturbed, though, so that's nothing new. What I need to know is what
> sort of mathematical error could have me contributing more than ten
> supplications and ten incarnations. The total cannot be more than
> twenty, and that would be if I had answered all my own questions,
> which I probably did not. But there it is, 87!
>
> Wait a minute, I did not mean 87!, which is the factorial, and is
> more than equal to 2.107757e+132, but instead just the number 87.
>
> What sort of arithmetic morass have I stepped into, where numbers
> are substantially exceeding their own limits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Numbers are tricky little blighters. Controlling them takes years of
} training and complete and utter dedication to the cause, which
} explains why mathematicians are a-social loners who, if confronted
} with a shower, would wonder why it was raining indoors, shortly after
} having it explained to them what "outdoors" and "rain" are.
} } Different numbers require different techniques to stalk.
} } For example, integers are fairly spaced out, like 1970s hippies, and
} are therefore typically gambol in fields near stone-circles. They are
} usually trapped by being asked why they are opposed to nuclear power
} when their beloved Sun uses it all the time.
} } Rational numbers are anything but. They jump around and change form
} when you're not looking. Why else would 7/4 be the same as 14/8? They
} are usually trapped by being forced to watch daytime television, as
} that appeals to the lowest common denominator in them.
} } Irrational numbers are incredibly long-winded, and a terrible bore at
} parties. There are a few celebrities, like pi, e, and that weird one
} that lets you prove there are uncountably many reals. However, most of
} them are like Instagram celebrities: pop up briefly in one exam
} question, get talked about in great detail for 3 days after the exam,
} and then immediately forgotten by everyone except a few die-hard
} fanatics.
} } The best way to trap a real number is not look at it too closely, and
} hope some physical constant turns out to be equal to it. This confuses
} them, as most real numbers aren't really significant.
} } Complex numbers are the hardest of all. Part of them is real, but the
} rest is imaginary, so you think you're trying to trap a real number
} but it then claims to be a walrus-baiting chipmunk with the ability to
} juggle alligators. The best way to trap them is to run rings about
} them and turn them into a simple pole. [ Tasteless joke conflating
} poles with Poles and mentioning Hitler removed. - Ed. ]
} } You owe the Oracle a way of trapping those slippery quaternions, the
} over-achievers of the number-world with as much connection to the real
} world as a home-schooled toadstool that has subsumed other, more
} poisonous toadstools, had absinthe dribbled on it, and is now
} convinced it is the Emperor of Mars.

--- 1588-07 01255 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> this is the worse questoin i ever ax you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a puzzle question? I love these.
} } So, "ask" is spelt "ax". That has to mean something.
} "Questoin" has the last three letters wrong, and "worse" should be
} "worst".
} } So, combine the incorrectly spelt letters and we have: "taxion".
} This is a theoretical elementary particle that is thought to transmit
} "tax", either in the monetary sense, or in the "taxing questions"
} sense.
} The most taxing question is, of course, "How much tax would the taxman
} tax, if a taxman could tax tax?"
} } The reductio ad absurdam of this is that taxing tax results in an
} exponential decay of all money that is distributed, so that it's not
} worth the paper that it's written on (although spare bank notes are
} suitable replacements for toilet paper in these troubled times).
} } But why would you be asking such a basic question? No supplicant can
} poissibly be that stupid (I mean, I know they've tried but, still...)
} } Ah, I missed the grammatical error: "this" should be "This". The
} important point is the "T".
} } So, you're asking a taxing question about "Tea".
} } To which the answer is, no you sub-normal colonial, you cannot be
} released from the tea tax. If we do that, then you'll only go and
} elect your own moronic government who couldn't get themselves out of a
} pickle jar that had already had the lid unscrewed.
} } You owe it to the Oracle to postpone the Boston Tea Party until
} social-distancing requirements are over and we can party like it's
} 1773 all over again.

--- 1591-01 01144 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Albatross? Where did I get this albatross?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the old mysterious albatross in the mail scam. It works like this.
} } First, you receive an albatross in the mail. You'll notice that the
} box has a Nigerian postmark, and no actual return address.
} } Then, usually within a week, you'll receive an email. The sender will
} say that they sent you an albatross in the mail, but only intended to
} send you a pigeon. They'll ask you to send the balance back to them,
} with the difference between an albatross and a pigeon according to
} valuemybird.com being two pheasants and a hedge sparrow. You, being an
} honest and upstanding citizen, as well as being more naive than a
} stale bowl of custard, send them the pheasants and hedge sparrow by
} return mail.
} } Sometime after this, you'll notice that the albatross hasn't moved. If
} you follow the same path as many unfortunate people before you, you'll
} gingerly investigate the albatross (having previously been too scared
} to go within range of that meaty pinkish beak, and look closer. Yes,
} it'll be a fake albatross, typically made of a variety of unused items
} such as dandelion fluff and skillfully carved asbestos.
} } So, you then realise that you have received a valueless (and
} potentially toxic) fake bird, and in response you have sent the
} scammer two real pheasants and a hedge sparrow. You see how it works?
} } You owe The Oracle nothing. In fact I'll give you something from
} myself. Just sign into www.paypal_actually_not_and_dodgy_as_hell.com
} with your details and you'll find I've sent you a cool $1000 to do
} with as you please.

--- 1596-01 01134 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have given up at trying to understand all the different measurement
> systems. "Bake in a 13 cm square pan at 350 degrees for half a
> fortnight." What is that in Regulo numbers? Who cares? What's for
> dinner?
>
> So I plan to make a different system that is better. The Continental or
> cgs system is totally unusable. I need something with more pounds to
> the inch and fewer seconds to the Date of Easter, unless Passover is
> early next year. More gallons per quart, too. Plus Lot's of Salt.
> Kilogrammes.
>
> Your advice won't be neglected like last time. I might even get you a
> Sandwich.


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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Best of Internet Oracularities #1576-1600

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