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interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1596

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o Internet Oracularities Digest #1596oracle-request

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Internet Oracularities Digest #1596

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Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1596
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Date: Wed, 05 May 21 19:46:51 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1596

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1596
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1591 10 votes 01144 11152 01531 12250 12511 13330 21412 31420 30241 02440
1591 3.2 mean 4.1 3.6 3.4 3.1 2.9 2.8 3.0 2.5 3.0 3.2

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 05 May 21 19:46:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1596-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have given up at trying to understand all the different measurement
> systems. "Bake in a 13 cm square pan at 350 degrees for half a
> fortnight." What is that in Regulo numbers? Who cares? What's for
> dinner?
>
> So I plan to make a different system that is better. The Continental or
> cgs system is totally unusable. I need something with more pounds to
> the inch and fewer seconds to the Date of Easter, unless Passover is
> early next year. More gallons per quart, too. Plus Lot's of Salt.
> Kilogrammes.
>
> Your advice won't be neglected like last time. I might even get you a
> Sandwich.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously for an ounce of salt what you need is what is know as Lots
} of Wives. Chuck behind shoulder and the devil take the hindmost.
} } You are quite right the cgs makes no sense at all, you can blame the
} French for that. Take pan and boil to 80 Reaumur, then add Lot's Wife
} for fattening or shortening. Boil immersibly. On another pan, at 520
} Kelvin, take two eggs and discard promptly. Whoops. Take two more and
} crack openly. Split into pan, add Broccolie, cucumber and half a kilo
} of the best rice. Stir furiously.
} } Now add small glass of red wine. Drink wine. Continue stirring.
} Discard pan. In the first pan, you need to add more wine (take sample
} for self, discarding cork). Stir mercilessly. Increase temp to
} something or other, check wine for consistency. In a bowl, add 500g
} flour, while singing to something by Liszt. Check list or Liszt. Check
} wine for consistency and flavour. Discard eggs, mix flour with 10
} grammes butter and stir occasionally. Put in oven for 45 minutes at
} gas mark 6 or 415 Fahrenheit. After 30 minutes remove pan from oven,
} check wine for flavour. Add currants raisins and sultanas return to
} oven for 15 minutes. Add small drop of wine, check once again for
} bouquet. After 15 minutes remove from oven leave to stand (if you
} still can) for about 10 minutes. Check wine for sulphides. If in doubt
} get second bottle. Discard cake, eggs, flour, pans etc in nearest
} recycling facility. Check bottle for emptiness. Then in a small pan at
} 60 Reaumur, 375 Fahrenheit or twenty pounds six shillings and
} ninepence three farthings, grab bottle, cup, pan, eggs, etc. Throw
} into the air. Check bottle for place of origin.
} } You should now not care about what you are cooking. Discard all, check
} bottle for sell-by date. Cry another tup. If wine sufficiently
} broiled, remove cake from oven and defenestrate. Take from herb garden
} Oregon and Lyme Regis. Add to mix for piquancy. Check bottle. If
} bottle empty, lunch ready. Open bottle, serve-tu and a delicious Lyme
} Regis Pancake with a cheap tart awaits. Bon appetit!
} } Tu la dette L'Oracle les freres Roux.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 05 May 21 19:46:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1596-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Some months ago I wrote to you about my uncle who died intestate. At
> the time I thought it was "Interstate" like highway I-95 that goes from
> Maine to Florida or I-5 that does not. You corrected me, in a manner of
> sneaking. You figured out that he must have died intesticular, that is
> missing his family jewels.
>
> But that was not true either, as you can see in this photo.
>
> His last words were "will be done on earth" and I think he left
> everything too me. But where on earth is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take the last train to Knoxville. I'll meet you at the station. You
} will find the safebox there (I shan't disclose the destination - no no
} no).
} } In there you will find all your family jewels and indeed his Last
} Willly and Testicles. Addressed, as you would expect, to "Whom it May
} Concern". From there, take the six-five special coming down the line,
} six-five special right on time. Take a diversion around Nashville
} (generally known as the Parton shortcut). Then up to Idaho, home of
} the potato. From there quick right and I'll meet you in St Lous, Huey,
} Meet you at the square. Half to seven? I'll be wearing big carnations
} when you come. In the alternative, we could go the long way around via
} Oklahoma where the winds occasionally get a but out of control, and
} then go Onto to Toronto Pronto with Tonto, double back and we will be
} in New York before you can get a jerry-can or spring it open. Then the
} family jewels will be recovered. Take a diversion via Milan, do an
} Italian job with a New York Pizza, remember that even the piano in the
} parlour daddy bought for ten cents on the thaler so the interest on
} that for a hundred years, is, let me see now writtien in 1921 call it
} a straight 100 years and forget the odd nickel, $756.243-00 to be paid
} on demand to Oracle Towers. You leave Pennsylvania Station 'bout a
} quarter to four, supper in the diner then come to Baltimore and I'll
} meet you there with Carolina.
} } You owe the Oracle a check or cheque, or preferably cash.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 05 May 21 19:46:54 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1596-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Houston, we have a problem!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That'll be a Main B Bus Undervolt on the M21 Crosstown Bus (Houston
} Street), not to be mistaken for the 14th Street Crosstown. Instead,
} you'll Take the A Train, as depicted by Carl Lundgren. Return the
} dragon when you are finished.
} } You owe the Oracle a MTA tunnel route connecting the Staten Island
} Railway with Manhattan.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 05 May 21 19:46:55 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1596-04

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I wrote the attached program years ago, and now I need to update it.
> As you can plainly see, it is hopelessly inscrutable. It would take
> someone with the insight and wisdom of an Oracle to understand and
> explain it. What does it do, and what was it supposed to do?
>
> Please help?
>
>
> PS: Sorry I cannot show it inline, owing to the limitations of
> typography in this service, hence the attached version. I hope you
> have a good way of rendering the arcane APL character set.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see in APL. What you need first to get is an IBM 3270 terminal.
} Then you can properly tippy-tappy type. It is not surprising to any
} but the cognoscenti you don't understand your program, as APL was
} designed to be write-only. Let's try and work it out using simple
} matrix arithmetic.
} } 2 -> 1 -> 'HELLO WORLD' sub minus dot print. (on your right hand). P
} shape to matrix multiply octal 432 517 gives OP as oh about a two
} 2/6' give or take an oz. Multiply the spare oz P <- Oz * P output to
} print P <- Oz, subtract Frank Oz, no hang on I forgot the carry... so
} that gives us R dot T <- K where K = F (rog), Let rog <- F, then
} take four trannies, cross-multpily 4(F x T) <- one semiconductor.
} Reduce [K F (rog)] in a pan. Let C = F and K, take K <- 273 so c
} <-0. Put in U^2261 multply by the number you first thought of,
} youshould now have the original program back,
} } You owe the Oracle 6502,

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 05 May 21 19:46:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1596-05

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:


Click here to read the complete article

interests / rec.humor.oracle / Internet Oracularities Digest #1596

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