Atanas Arnaudov
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Lived in Berlin (2015–2020)2h

A lot of answers start with, "There is an old joke from the the Soviet
Union". Can you give us your best old joke from the Soviet Union?

Isaac Avraamovich, an old and loyal Party member, applies for a visa to
Israel. Amazingly he is denied.

Comrade Major, he protests, I have been a loyal communist all my life.
The only reward I ask for is to spend my last few years in the land of
my ancestors. Why do you deny me?

Isaac Avraamovich, you worked in the armaments industry for decades so
you have been found in possession of state secrets. We can't let you leave.

But I am 70 years old and haven't set foot on a missile range in 15
years. And even then our missiles were shit compared to the American ones.

And that, Isaac Avraamovich, is the secret I am talking about.

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Richard Gibson
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Former O-6 at U.S. Air Force (1972–2002)17h

It's morning, and on a busy Moscow street two workmen with shovels are
busy. One digs a hole, they both wait a few minutes, then the other one
fills it in. Then they move a few feet down the street and repeat the
process. A policeman walks up and asks them what in the world they're doing.

“We're usually a three-man crew,” one explains. “I dig a hole, Sergei
plants a tree, and Vlad fills it in. But last night Sergei got too
drunk, and he stayed home with a hangover.”

“It's not right that his problem should obstruct our work, is it? So
we're carrying on without him!”

Jonathan Trueman
Professional screen-and-copywriter, voice artist, Brit, knowledge addict.Tue

Sergei is queuing for meat. He’s been waiting three hours, as the queue
shuffles forward, when the butcher comes out of the shop and announces,
‘Sorry - we’re out of meat for today!’

Sergei is furious. ‘This is ridiculous!’ he yells. ‘I fought in the
Great Patriotic War, I work my fingers to the bone in the factory -
surely the least I can expect is a few sausages!’

And then a man appears at his shoulder. ‘Hush, comrade,’ he says.
‘You’re upsetting people. Things aren’t so bad. Remember what this kind
of behaviour would have got you in the old days…’ And he lifts aside his
jacket to show a holstered pistol. Sergei subsides and wearily trudges home.

‘Why so sad, Sergei?’ asks his wife. ‘Have they run out of sausages?’

‘It’s worse than that,’ says Sergei. ‘They’ve run out of bullets.’

Benjamin Murphy
It's all just a great big joke to you, isn't it?19h

Yuri Gagarin’s little girls, Yelena and Galina are at home, all alone.
Someone knocks on the door and says “Little girls, I need to speak to
your father.” “I’m sorry” replies Yelena, “My father is flying around
the Earth, and so he won’t be back home until tomorrow.” “Oh” says the
visitor, “In that case, can I speak to your mother?” “Oh no”, replies
Galina, “She has gone to the shops to buy food, so there is no way to
tell when she will be back.”

Will Kavanagh

Guy needs his leaking pipes fixed. He’s told the soonest they can fix it
is august the 12th at 10.30 in the morning in 3 years time. He asks can
they make it an afternoon job. They ask him why. He says , “ I have an
electrician coming to check out the wiring that morning”.

guy finds a ticket from the state- owned cobblers/ shoe repair shop, in
his dead grandfathers overcoat pocket. Been there since just after the
revolution, maybe 20 years or so. Just out of curiosity he takes it down
to to the cobbler. Shoe- repair guy takes a look at it and says “
they’ll be ready next Monday”.

Vivienne Marcus
Lives in New Zealand13h

Why did the police in the Soviet Union go around in threes?

Well, you need one that can read, one that can write, and one to keep an
eye on those two dangerous intellectuals.

Douglas Porter
Lives in Great Britain (1960–present)12h

Three friends see a poster advertising a new industrial town being built
east of the Urals and inviting applicants to go and work there. It all
looks very tempting, but they’re not sure if it will live up to
expectations, and once they’re in Siberia it might be hard to get back.
So they agree that one of them should go first to find out what it is
like, and write a letter home.

“But,” says one of them, “your mail might be opened by the KGB, and it
would not do to be seen criticizing the work of the Party.”

“True,” says the man who is to go. “So if I send you a letter written in
blue ink, then what I say is true, but if I write in red ink, it is not
true.”

And a few months later a letter arrives, written in blue ink, that reads
as follows:

Dearest friends, this is a wonderful place to live and work! The factory
is clean and modern and equipped with all the latest safety features,
and working hours are most agreeable. The workers’ accommodation is
likewise comfortable and luxurious, salaries are high, and the shops are
filled with all manner of comforts. Why, here one can buy anything very
easily indeed (except red ink).

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