On Thursday, August 11, 2022 at 10:06:02 AM UTC-4, HC wrote:
> On Thursday, August 11, 2022 at 9:58:10 AM UTC-4, michaelmalef...@gmail.com wrote:
> > THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
> > PART THREE
> >
> >
> > "A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Wiggle Wiggle
> > I rap and wiggle, wiggle
> > I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
> > It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
> > And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
> > So what if people sniggle, sniggle
> > At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
> > I love to niggle, niggle.
> >
> > "I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
> > I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
> > He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
> > And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
> > An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
> > Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
> > I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
> > But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
> > Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.
> >
> > "A Donkey knows pond scum:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know that Henry David Theroux
> > was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
> > and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
> > and they said good night just like us and the hos,
> > and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
> > but their farm could grew their very own blow,
> > and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
> > and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
> > and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.
> >
> > "More than Theroux, when I began
> > My poet's career, it was my plan
> > To write like Popeye the sailor man
> > And eats all me spinaches from a can.
> > I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.
> >
> > "I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
> > 'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
> > An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
> > All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
> > That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
> > 'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.
> >
> > "A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
> > I learned that this year while playing with blocks
> > though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
> > so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
> > but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
> > and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
> > did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
> > whose choice of mates is unorthodox
> > and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
> > Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
> > but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
> > and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.
> >
> > "A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.
> >
> > "Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
> > So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
> > For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
> > And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
> > We had no running water, but that was okay,
> > I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
> > We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
> > Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
> > But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
> > And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
> > At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
> > While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
> > That I lived a darn good life back in the day.
> >
> > "Donkey enters musth
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm going through my monthly musth
> > when I have to bang either balls or bust
> > or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
> > but you always like my increased lust
> > when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
> > and even the grannies who are covered with dust
> > know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
> > and you'll recall that apple pie crust
> > when I went wild and ate and cussed
> > because I knew I'd soon combust
> > and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
> > at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.
> >
> > "This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
> > What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
> > I stick it in places where it don't belong
> > Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
> > But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
> > And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.
> >
> > "Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
> > And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
> > When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
> > But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
> > Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
> > And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
> > Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
> > Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
> > But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
> > When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
> > So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
> > The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
> > And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.
> >
> > "A Donkey drop kicks names:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
> > and that certainly set a very high bar
> > which I easily reached in becoming a star.
> > I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
> > beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
> > and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
> > but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
> > We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
> > and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
> > and every single Christmas they sent caviar
> > and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.
> >
> > "You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
> > It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
> > We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
> > Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
> > And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
> > We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
> > All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
> > Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
> > Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."
> >
> > "A Donkey practices planned parenthood:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
> > People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
> > Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
> > and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
> > I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
> > and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
> > and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
> > but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.
> >
> > "I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
> > An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
> > But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
> > Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
> > I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
> > If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
> > Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
> > (Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
> > I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.
> >
> > "A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm having a cookout on July the Four
> > I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
> > who service the needy like me who can't score
> > but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
> > of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
> > until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
> > and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
> > and you can raise up the bum semaphore
> > just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
> > and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
> > but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
> > so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
> > of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
> > but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
> > on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
> > and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.
> >
> > "I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
> > I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
> > An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
> > Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
> > Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
> > I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.
> >
> > "I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
> > I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
> > On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
> > But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
> > An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
> > An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
> > Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
> > An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load
> >
> > "Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
> > An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
> > Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
> > That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.
> >
> > "A Donkey is captured for posterity:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
> > We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
> > Let's not include the custom handcuffs
> > but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
> > and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
> > diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
> > on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
> > who love me all day and then leave in a huff
> > 'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
> > so I'm asking you to get off your duff
> > and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
> > just me and my bod and that should be enough
> > for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.
> >
> > "I want you to body paint me when you're done
> > You can paint daisies on me, it should be such fun
> > I make a broad canvas -- I weigh half a ton --
> > You can paint the grand canyon on just my left bun;
> > Polka dots on my man-boobs, big pink and green ones
> > And if you find my wiener, paint it like a gun.
> > I'll look like a tattooed man, I'm telling you, hon
> > And when you finish me, you can paint on my son.
> >
> > "Donkey designs his world:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'd like to pretend that I am a house.
> > You can paint me bright colors and act as my spouse.
> > The blue tarp you stole didn't keep out the louse
> > that's now my pet vermin along with my mouse,
> > and thanks for finding this pink ruffled blouse
> > that I wear in the shack while you liberally douse
> > me with love juice and pull off my baggy old trows
> > and art fills us both like we're stars at Bauhaus.
> >
> > "Or maybe I'll pretend that I am a boat
> > I've got lots of blubber to keep me afloat,
> > I need to get shipshape, so give me a coat
> > Of fresh paint to cover my flab and my bloat,
> > And maybe some blue stars to highlight my scrot.
> > I'm an impressive vessel, pardon if I gloat
> > But Horatio Hornblower surely would dote
> > On my riggings and mainsails -- and this you can quote
> > I would blow that man's horn like my name was 'Deep Throat.'
> >
> > "A Donkey pines for Manolos:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Do you know any shoes that will fit on my feet?
> > I have hoofs for feet, which the hos think is neat
> > but nailing shoes on is hard on the street
> > and you know that I walk 20 miles just to eat
> > so pulling shoes on would make a fine treat
> > and wearing real shoes could get me dark meat
> > which has a strange texture, not tart and not sweet.
> > If you find me high heels, I'll be indiscrete
> > with you and DirtMike in the crew cab backseat,
> > and hoofs don't feel good on the hot, cracked concrete
> > but I'd wear stilettos in a Durundo drumbeat
> > and I'd hee and I'd haw and I'd bleat, Mon Petite.
> >
> > "Now a donkey in heels is a marvelous sight
> > I like how it feels, it increases my height;
> > All the boys at LeGents shout "You go, girl! Alright!"
> > While the AAPC trolls just laugh out of spite.
> >
> > "But the fashionable donkeys who want to impress
> > Wouldn't dream of Manolos without a new dress,
> > A new, bright blue moomoo, I have to confess
> > Would be too, too, très froufrou, I'd have such finesse
> > That all the LeGents gents would call me Princess.
> >
> > "A Donkey builds a time machine:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I think I'm living in 2092.
> > Sorry, but you'll croak in 2022
> > and poems are mailing me out of the blue --
> > how they have my address, I haven't a clue --
> > and each time I typed, my nose twitched and grew.
> > I can't even see when I start with my spew.
> > I make 1000 typos and each is brand new.
> > I sure hope you hurry so you can push through
> > 30 posts to take the heat off me, whew!
> > I only have John Dunne and they have a slew
> > of things like Ed Poland, and Woody won't do
> > 'cause Rochester looks like a god and I knew
> > that my comebacks were starting to gather mildew,
> > and I'm crying with shame and can't bum a tissue,
> > so I'm looking for Pickles, that Wandering Jew,
> > to save me from trolls, and he's long overdue.
> >
> > "The future's like everything H.G. Wells said
> > It would be, but sadly, I'm still better off dead --
> > In a George Jetson world, I still live in a shed.
> > I've got tapeworms and chiggers and lice on my head
> > I've got rats in my cupboard, and fleas in my bed
> > And they've all got computers and spaceships of red
> > And make noises like Pac-Man and call me inbred
> > And George's boy, Elroy, said that I'm a ped-
> > ophile, and I must admit that I've not read
> > Much about such things but he's got more than a shred
> > Of DNA evidence and so I've pled
> > For mercy -- but got thrown in prison instead.
> >
> > "A Donkey never won no stinkin’ spellin bee
> >
> > "Zod,
> > How do you spel the first name William?
> > I print 4 letters and then I'm, umm?
> > I also want to know how to spel scrotum.
> > Asking for a friend with unearned income.
> > Derundo is to blame for trying to drum
> > some music into me but I can’t spel rhythm.
> > HandySandy asked if I liked her gums
> > but she used her hands and has a green thumb
> > from sticking it into an apple tree plum,
> > which is rare but grow in Columbus' slums
> > where I live in my shack with my bro and my mum
> > but now they done died and I eat old breadcrumbs
> > and watch and wait 'til the mailman comes
> > and I make out the letters WILL IS DUMB.
> >
> > "It's a liddle known fack that we Donkeys cain't spel
> > But we tries anyways thoe are werds, sad to tel
> > Look like sumphin the cat throwed up on are lapel;
> > Stil we calls 'em 'po-tree,' and claims they look swel.
> > They's sum peeples tink that are po-trees smel,
> > But they's all jest trols, and I knows verry wel
> > That every last one of them's jellice as Hel.
> >
> > "A Donkey seeks definition in his life:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > What does it mean to apostrophe?
> > Does that mean getting all of your meals for free?
> > Or wearing your pants with a string of G?
> > Or sacrificing quality for quantity?
> > Or living your life squalidly?
> > Or spending each day dishonestly?
> > Or really needing optometry?
> > Or mistakes increasing geometrically?
> > Or drinking coffee for impotency?
> > Or needing to watch pornography?
> > Or knowing my art's an atrocity?
> > Or living with you conjugally?
> > Or having a roof with porosity?
> > Or knowing I'm a lump of mediocrity?
> > Please tell me so I can post more on AAPC.
> >
> > "What is this thing called 'apostrophe'?
> > Is it big as a bread box or small as a flea?
> > Does one drink it with Ripple, or coffee, or tea?
> > If you show it in public, do girls come to see?
> > Is it worth anything -- have you got one for me?
> > Will it help me to win a stinkin' spelling bee?
> > Let's see: 'A-P-O-S-T-R-O-W-FEE.'
> > I'm not wrong! Look it up! You're just picking on me!
> >
> > "A Donkey roots around:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I did DNA testing and I'm not my Pa's son.
> > I'm part donkey, poodle and Pomeranian.
> > No wonder Ma built us that chain-link dog run
> > to roll in and dig holes and play fetch for fun.
> > I had my tail chopped when I turned twenty-one --
> > Ma said I was like a canine John Donne --
> > but I'd wag it and lift it when I'd see someone
> > I liked but humping people's legs just wasn't done
> > in polite society and that taught me a lesson
> > to pay for my pleasure or go to prison,
> > and then I found you and you liked Alpo Sun,
> > which wasn't steak but tasty on a hamburger bun.
> >
> > "I'm top dog among poets, Columbus' bard
> > I shit in a hole I dug in the back yard,
> > Not my yard, if I'd shat there, I'd have been tarred
> > And my Pa could wield a switch powerful hard.
> >
> > "I got me a Perky as all here should know
> > Who cares if some Pekingese won best in show,
> > I bow-wow-wow wowed them by singing 'Zorro'
> > Then traded my trophy to some truck stop ho.
> >
> > "My Ma was the bitch all the other dogs boned
> > And I was the runt that bitch flat-out disowned,
> > I'd wag my tail at her, but she only groaned
> > 'You wouldn't be here if I hadn't got stoned.'
> >
> > "I'm going for a walk 'long the old Chattahooch
> > To see if there's any food scraps I can mooch,
> > The folks there say I am their favorite pooch
> > And LoHo the ho lets me mooch for some cooch.
> >
> > "But I'm still a donkey, and not some old stray
> > And I wrotes me some poems I'm wanting to bray,
> > Please hold all your giggling because I'm not gay
> > You can jack on my ass, but you're going to pay.
> >
> > "A Donkey schools himself:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I miss all my years in 11th grade --
> > of drinking and drugging and getting laid,
> > though my partners expected that they would get paid
> > but I stiffed them and you said that was very well played
> > and you know at that time I only weighed
> > 100 pounds and my afro made
> > me look like a pencil with an exploded lampshade
> > on my head but that helped when police'd stage a raid
> > and I'd stick my tabs in my hair pomade
> > with my poems, a beer and a battered trade
> > paperback of 'Southern Poets and Black Handmaids'
> > and from Barfly and Zu-Bolted I earned accolades
> > and I was sorry after 10 years when I had to bade
> > farewell to Carver but I was unafraid
> > because I would gift the world with a Donkey Serenade.
> >
> > "There's a stench in the air
> > And I swear that it's not me
> > Though I am aware
> > There's a stench in the air.
> >
> > "So I'll sing like a fool
> > Till you're sure I've not farted
> > And that I am cool
> > For a fat, drooling mule.
> >
> > "Amigo mio, do I not have a manly bray?
> > 'Just like a jackass' is what all of the people say.
> > But they are all just jealous.
> > Thank God that they can't smell us.
> > They'd like to be like me, they sniff at my posts all day.
> >
> > "But try as they may, they are destined to fall
> > 'Cause no one can bray quite like me… HEE-EEE-HAW!
> > Zod, my sweet, a Donkey's seat is not petite
> > So come and beat it, it's a treat but please don't eat it
> > I'm a great Donkey!
> >
> > "I can give you a ride
> > While we play Hide the Sausage,
> > Have you ever tried
> > A jackass for your bride?
> >
> > "We can busk on our way
> > To the old Chattahoochee,
> > Everyone will pay
> > Just to hear when I bray.
> >
> > "Amigo mio, are they listening to my song?
> > I hear them booing, how can so many be so wrong?
> > Now someone's chanting 'Zorro!'
> > Oh no, I hear 'The horror!'
> > They must be jealous 'cause my voice is so big and strong.
> >
> > "I bray like a bird, but they all say I spew,
> > And all that I hear for applause… is 'PEE-YOU!'
> > Zod, my man, my only fan, we've got to make them understand
> > That I'm the greatest in the land, King of AAPC!
> >
> > "A Donkey drools and pants:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > You've been in my pants, what size do I wear?
> > Could 32x32 bust out a chair?
> > Have you ever seen me completely bare?
> > My bottom is covered with thick monkey hair
> > that flows past my tail with a donkey swish flair.
> > I would get those Levi's if Goodwill could spare
> > something that fit me and the alarm didn't blare
> > when I stuffed them in my shirt and I was taken somewhere
> > dirty and nasty where I told them, I swear,
> > that I didn't steal them and that I was a millionaire,
> > but I care a lot about my outerwear --
> > my one pair of pants is easy care
> > since I don't take them off and they clean open air.
> > That Rochester's got nerve, dressing debonair,
> > and like lower numbers will get him anywhere
> > with the ladies, who all love men shaped like a bear.
> >
> > "My trousers were once worn by Haystacks Calhoun
> > And my moob shirt belonged to Gorilla Monsoon
> > (I can't button it, but it makes the girls swoon).
> > Folks say that I'm built like a hot air balloon,
> > I may not be buffed but I am a buffoon,
> > I'm smart as a whip and I knows what I'm doin'
> > I make like a singer to get me some poon
> > Though I am unable to carry a tune
> > I grunt my way through a drunken baboon.
> > Rochester is swanky, but I'm more roughhewn,
> > A hillbilly boy with a face like a prune
> > I'm older than dirt but folks call me 'jejune'
> > I bow down to thank them, but shoot them the moon.
> >
> > "A Donkey under the influence:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I wanted to name Clay for my idol Buk
> > Because Kathy said they both made her puke
> > I was forced to give her a strong rebuke
> > when she said Buk's writing was gobbledygook
> > with a slap 'cross her jaw which got her spooked
> > and she ran away with that Mexican kook
> > and I moped around like a dead chinook
> > but I still had girlfriends and that was no fluke
> > so how can Pen want to burn and nuke
> > Bukowski's great poems and classic books?
> >
> > "Yeah, I learned from the best, Buk has earned his renown,
> > I'm the biggest jackass in the bad part of town,
> > Who cares if I can't tell a verb from a noun?
> > Like Wile E. Coyote, I'm a crazy clown,
> > I drinks so much likker, most folks thinks I'll drown
> > My shit's mean and green, it don't never be brown!
> > My old lady know'd not to give me no frown,
> > I knocked that bitch up, then I slapped her ass down
> > It's too bad she's planted six feet undergroun'
> > Pen makes me so mad I need something to poun'!
> >
> > "A Donkey relocates his Empire
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm planning a move to NY to be near
> > Pen and Edward and then they can hear
> > me sing and poet and they won't dare sneer
> > at my talent and form and large, shapely rear
> > and hoofs hot to trot in city footgear.
> > I'll be a big hit as a smooth balladeer
> > and might even take in some fluffy premieres
> > of major porn flicks and then get a pap smear.
> > I'll perform on Broadway in less than a year,
> > and Pen and Edward can no longer smear
> > my outstanding skill as a writing pioneer
> > of Southern poems from Columbus' Shakespeare,
> > and you'll move there too as my venue cashier
> > and in a NY minute, all our worries disappear.
> >
> > "Ol' Blue Eyes said I'll make it there
> > Because I've made it anywhere…
> > Well, almost made it, to be fair,
> > I headlined at Doo-Nanny, I swear!
> > As donkeys go, I'm debonaire,
> > I've got that equine savoir faire,
> > And when I make my nostrils flare
> > The ladies act just like a mare
> > In heat -- so gentlemen, take care
> > They can't resist my frizzy hair
> > They squee and toss their.underwear
> > And want to squeeze the sexy spare
> > Tire atop my derriere.
> >
> > "A Donkey Bible thumps:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > You know the phrase, 'Whither Thou Goest?'
> > It actually means that my lawn you will mow-est
> > and after that's done, me you will blow-est
> > because I can't pay even the cheapest ho-est
> > and there are bills, child support and taxes I owe-est.
> > What else can you do to make me some dough-est?
> > Dirty Mike is by the river playing his banjo-est,
> > luring you down to where the water flow-est,
> > but let's pretend we are row, row, row-est,
> > then feast on some rats and we'll up, up, throw-est.
> >
> > "I wrote filler for fish wrap for twenty-odd years
> > But fish wrap's ephemeral -- my crap disappears
> > To languish in landfills in spite of my tears…
> > Hey Ilya, let's jack off to Britney Spears.
> >
> > "My column was titled 'The Magic Store'
> > It had something to do with the Mystery Tour
> > That inspired Charles Manson and family for sure
> > To go knocking on Doris Day's son's former door.
> >
> > "It opened with quotes from books I haven't read
> > But pulled from my internet searches instead,
> > They'd nothing to do with my column, that said,
> > They showed the enormity of my fat head.
> >
> > "But fish wrap's forgotten, my columns have gone
> > The way of the Edsel, but my verse lives on
> > At AAPC where I post round the clock
> > In hopes a sock puppet will slurp on my cock.
> >
> > "A Donkey recapitulates:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I can't help it but I repeat, repeat, repeat
> > repeat, repeat, repeat and mistreat
> > the English language and I am a cheat
> > 'cause I know 50 words and count with my feet.
> > I learn nothing new because I start to bleat
> > anytime anyone asks me to complete
> > a sentence or book or work time sheet.
> > I do know how to eat, eat, eat,
> > but Dave's check was sure a monthly treat
> > and dirt nap means he has no heartbeat
> > even though he was propped in the old loveseat
> > for a few months with Ma in the South's Summer heat
> > so I asked Sarah to GoFundMe so I could retreat
> > from making money through walking the streets,
> > and she'll repeat, repeat, repeat while I meet
> > the demands of Usenet day, night and Tweet
> > my greatness in writing about eating dark meat,
> > which has a different texture and is bushy and sweet,
> > then I go in the backyard and excrete, excrete, excrete,
> > hair balls and chicken bones and swallowed gametes.
> >
> > "I don't know much words, and folks claims them is wrong
> > But no one complains when I'm braying a song
> > Three a.m. at LeGents I just whips out my schlong
> > An' those what ain't passed out can all sing along.
> >
> > "I burnt Dave for kindling, and scattered his ash
> > Costs less than cremating and I ain't gots cash,
> > I tried to sell pictures, but folks called me 'trash,'
> > And wished that my pecker'd develop a rash.
> >
> > "And so I just sits and repeats and repeats,
> > I'd starve if my daughter didn't have donkey-teats
> > Or sell 'feelsies' to strangers she meets on the streets.
> > It sucks… but a Donkey has got to have eats.
> >
> > "A Donkey dreams of the Pulitzer Prize:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > My newspaper column earned me a press pass.
> > I attended the shows and I reached up my ass
> > to get quotes from Shakespeare and all the low class
> > people I knew so that I could surpass
> > the NY Times in my column though I wrote it on grass,
> > and there wasn't much writing, just copy and fats.
> > When the paper was sold, we were fired en masse,
> > and no one wanted me to write for them as
> > they knew what I wrote was intestinal gas,
> > so now I eat an occasional bass
> > that you catch from the Hooch in a net of crabgrass,
> > and I've nowhere to write crass but AAPC, alas.
> >
> > "Yeah, back in the day, I had ten thousand fans
> > And they all read my poems and said I'm Da Man,
> > Then they brought home their fishes and fried them in pans
> > Tossed my column and poem in their garbage cans.
> >
> > "Still one must admit I was a household name
> > At least in the kitchens where I gained my fame
> > Glimpsed through fish scales and entrails I found my acclaim
> > As 'the fish wrap guy, Willie,' -- we're one and the same.
> >
> > "I was 'fish wrap guy, Willie,' housewives all agree
> > There was never a fishier fella than me,
> > I've got fisheyes, I'm whale size, and folks could all see
> > The big fish in the small pond was Will Dockery!
> >
> > "But all good things they say have to come to an end
> > And although I'm forgotten, I still can pretend
> > That I'm a still celebrity like way back when
> > And know, like the 'deep South,' I shall rise once again!
> > "A Donkey dreams of the Green Eyeshade Award:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Everything in this town smells bad like fish.
> > My hair, my clothes, my current ho bitch.
> > I think it's left over from my column on which
> > people put fish bones and threw them in a ditch;
> > I never do that but I step on turds -- squish --
> > but my writing is great, according to Ibish,
> > and he knows just how to scratch an itch.
> > He'll get me a column that will greatly enrich
> > you, me and him and together we'll defeat that femi-niche.
> > "Ah! The smells of Columbus! My Shitholeville home
> > Oh town that inspired my poetry tome!
> > Oh town where a man doesn't need pheromone
> > For Gay Clay to suck him like trailer hitch chrome.
> > Columbus! Columbus! Your fish-fragrant air
> > Is sweeter to me than a pig's derriere,
> > Folks say you're a stink hole, I say 'Au contraire'
> > The scent of our air is, well, beyond compare.
> > We've got armpits and buttholes and pissbums to spare
> > And we shit on our lawns like we don't have a care,
> > But our steel mill shut down and we haven't a spare
> > So our air's just as fresh as the air anywhere."
> > -- Will Donkey, "The Shadowville Mythos: Ode to My Slurp-puppet"
> Spam reported.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

On Saturday, August 20, 2022 at 12:09:44 PM UTC-4, NancyGene wrote:
> On Thursday, August 18, 2022 at 8:30:59 PM UTC, NancyGene wrote:
> > A Donkey reaches for literary heights:
> >
> > Zod,
> > Pen’s putting our adventures in a glossy new book,
> > and 5000 lines is what it done took
> > to record all my triumphs, friends and yearbooks.
> > We’re like Hornblower, Columbus and old Captain Hook,
> > who was real, said Dan Barfly, and frequently shook
> > Peter Pan and Jordy’s Uncle from their light loafers nook.
> > Pen will even add in when we snacked on then cooked
> > hos for dinner and lunch when they called us old shnooks,
> > and you whipped out your dork and nobody looked,
> > and remember the Phophet’s wives’ bras you unhooked?
> ^

That’s funny.

On Saturday, August 20, 2022 at 12:27:43 PM UTC-4, NancyGene wrote:
> On Saturday, August 20, 2022 at 4:17:31 PM UTC, HC wrote:
> > On Saturday, August 20, 2022 at 12:09:44 PM UTC-4, NancyGene wrote:
> > > On Thursday, August 18, 2022 at 8:30:59 PM UTC, NancyGene wrote:
> > > > A Donkey reaches for literary heights:
> > > >
> > > > Zod,
> > > > Pen’s putting our adventures in a glossy new book,
> > > > and 5000 lines is what it done took
> > > > to record all my triumphs, friends and yearbooks.
> > > > We’re like Hornblower, Columbus and old Captain Hook,
> > > > who was real, said Dan Barfly, and frequently shook
> > > > Peter Pan and Jordy’s Uncle from their light loafers nook.
> > > > Pen will even add in when we snacked on then cooked
> > > > hos for dinner and lunch when they called us old shnooks,
> > > > and you whipped out your dork and nobody looked,
> > > > and remember the Phophet’s wives’ bras you unhooked?
> > > ^
> > That’s funny.
> Thanks. Write a stanza for the Ode--there's plenty of material to draw from. (We know this will trigger another Donkey Update.)

That’s what’s funny. He’s so easily triggered.

On Saturday, August 20, 2022 at 12:54:51 PM UTC-4, NancyGene wrote:
> On Saturday, August 20, 2022 at 4:32:13 PM UTC, HC wrote:
> > On Saturday, August 20, 2022 at 12:27:43 PM UTC-4, NancyGene wrote:
>
> > > > That’s funny.
> > > Thanks. Write a stanza for the Ode--there's plenty of material to draw from. (We know this will trigger another Donkey Update.)
> > That’s what’s funny. He’s so easily triggered.
> He's like a dog...or a donkey.

Or a waffle, or a potato.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

On Monday, 29 August 2022 at 10:53:14 UTC-4, michaelmalef...@gmail.com wrote:
> THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
> PART THREE
>
>
> "A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:
>
> "Zod,
> Wiggle Wiggle
> I rap and wiggle, wiggle
> I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
> It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
> And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
> So what if people sniggle, sniggle
> At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
> I love to niggle, niggle.
>
> "I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
> I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
> He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
> And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
> An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
> Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
> I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
> But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
> Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.
>
> "A Donkey knows pond scum:
>
> "Zod,
> Did you know that Henry David Theroux
> was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
> and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
> and they said good night just like us and the hos,
> and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
> but their farm could grew their very own blow,
> and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
> and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
> and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.
>
> "More than Theroux, when I began
> My poet's career, it was my plan
> To write like Popeye the sailor man
> And eats all me spinaches from a can.
> I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.
>
> "I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
> 'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
> An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
> All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
> That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
> 'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.
>
> "A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:
>
> "Zod,
> Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
> I learned that this year while playing with blocks
> though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
> so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
> but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
> and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
> did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
> whose choice of mates is unorthodox
> and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
> Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
> but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
> and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.
>
> "A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.
>
> "Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
> So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
> For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
> And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
> We had no running water, but that was okay,
> I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
> We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
> Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
> But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
> And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
> At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
> While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
> That I lived a darn good life back in the day.
>
> "Donkey enters musth
>
> "Zod,
> I'm going through my monthly musth
> when I have to bang either balls or bust
> or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
> but you always like my increased lust
> when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
> and even the grannies who are covered with dust
> know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
> and you'll recall that apple pie crust
> when I went wild and ate and cussed
> because I knew I'd soon combust
> and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
> at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.
>
> "This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
> What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
> I stick it in places where it don't belong
> Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
> But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
> And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.
>
> "Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
> And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
> When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
> But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
> Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
> And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
> Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
> Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
> But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
> When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
> So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
> The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
> And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.
>
> "A Donkey drop kicks names:
>
> "Zod,
> Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
> and that certainly set a very high bar
> which I easily reached in becoming a star.
> I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
> beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
> and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
> but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
> We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
> and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
> and every single Christmas they sent caviar
> and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.
>
> "You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
> It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
> We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
> Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
> And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
> We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
> All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
> Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
> Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."
>
> "A Donkey practices planned parenthood:
>
> "Zod,
> Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
> People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
> Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
> and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
> I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
> and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
> and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
> but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.
>
> "I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
> An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
> But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
> Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
> I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
> If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
> Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
> (Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
> I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.
>
> "A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:
>
> "Zod,
> I'm having a cookout on July the Four
> I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
> who service the needy like me who can't score
> but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
> of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
> until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
> and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
> and you can raise up the bum semaphore
> just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
> and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
> but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
> so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
> of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
> but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
> on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
> and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.
>
> "I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
> I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
> An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
> Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
> Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
> I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.
>
> "I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
> I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
> On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
> But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
> An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
> An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
> Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
> An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load
>
> "Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
> An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
> Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
> That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.
>
> "A Donkey is captured for posterity:
>
> "Zod,
> I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
> We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
> Let's not include the custom handcuffs
> but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
> and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
> diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
> on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
> who love me all day and then leave in a huff
> 'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
> so I'm asking you to get off your duff
> and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
> just me and my bod and that should be enough
> for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.
>
> "I want you to body paint me when you're done
> You can paint daisies on me, it should be such fun
> I make a broad canvas -- I weigh half a ton --
> You can paint the grand canyon on just my left bun;
> Polka dots on my man-boobs, big pink and green ones
> And if you find my wiener, paint it like a gun.
> I'll look like a tattooed man, I'm telling you, hon
> And when you finish me, you can paint on my son.
>
> "Donkey designs his world:
>
> "Zod,
> I'd like to pretend that I am a house.
> You can paint me bright colors and act as my spouse.
> The blue tarp you stole didn't keep out the louse
> that's now my pet vermin along with my mouse,
> and thanks for finding this pink ruffled blouse
> that I wear in the shack while you liberally douse
> me with love juice and pull off my baggy old trows
> and art fills us both like we're stars at Bauhaus.
>
> "Or maybe I'll pretend that I am a boat
> I've got lots of blubber to keep me afloat,
> I need to get shipshape, so give me a coat
> Of fresh paint to cover my flab and my bloat,
> And maybe some blue stars to highlight my scrot.
> I'm an impressive vessel, pardon if I gloat
> But Horatio Hornblower surely would dote
> On my riggings and mainsails -- and this you can quote
> I would blow that man's horn like my name was 'Deep Throat.'
>
> "A Donkey pines for Manolos:
>
> "Zod,
> Do you know any shoes that will fit on my feet?
> I have hoofs for feet, which the hos think is neat
> but nailing shoes on is hard on the street
> and you know that I walk 20 miles just to eat
> so pulling shoes on would make a fine treat
> and wearing real shoes could get me dark meat
> which has a strange texture, not tart and not sweet.
> If you find me high heels, I'll be indiscrete
> with you and DirtMike in the crew cab backseat,
> and hoofs don't feel good on the hot, cracked concrete
> but I'd wear stilettos in a Durundo drumbeat
> and I'd hee and I'd haw and I'd bleat, Mon Petite.
>
> "Now a donkey in heels is a marvelous sight
> I like how it feels, it increases my height;
> All the boys at LeGents shout "You go, girl! Alright!"
> While the AAPC trolls just laugh out of spite.
>
> "But the fashionable donkeys who want to impress
> Wouldn't dream of Manolos without a new dress,
> A new, bright blue moomoo, I have to confess
> Would be too, too, très froufrou, I'd have such finesse
> That all the LeGents gents would call me Princess.
>
> "A Donkey builds a time machine:
>
> "Zod,
> I think I'm living in 2092.
> Sorry, but you'll croak in 2022
> and poems are mailing me out of the blue --
> how they have my address, I haven't a clue --
> and each time I typed, my nose twitched and grew.
> I can't even see when I start with my spew.
> I make 1000 typos and each is brand new.
> I sure hope you hurry so you can push through
> 30 posts to take the heat off me, whew!
> I only have John Dunne and they have a slew
> of things like Ed Poland, and Woody won't do
> 'cause Rochester looks like a god and I knew
> that my comebacks were starting to gather mildew,
> and I'm crying with shame and can't bum a tissue,
> so I'm looking for Pickles, that Wandering Jew,
> to save me from trolls, and he's long overdue.
>
> "The future's like everything H.G. Wells said
> It would be, but sadly, I'm still better off dead --
> In a George Jetson world, I still live in a shed.
> I've got tapeworms and chiggers and lice on my head
> I've got rats in my cupboard, and fleas in my bed
> And they've all got computers and spaceships of red
> And make noises like Pac-Man and call me inbred
> And George's boy, Elroy, said that I'm a ped-
> ophile, and I must admit that I've not read
> Much about such things but he's got more than a shred
> Of DNA evidence and so I've pled
> For mercy -- but got thrown in prison instead.
>
> "A Donkey never won no stinkin’ spellin bee
>
> "Zod,
> How do you spel the first name William?
> I print 4 letters and then I'm, umm?
> I also want to know how to spel scrotum.
> Asking for a friend with unearned income.
> Derundo is to blame for trying to drum
> some music into me but I can’t spel rhythm.
> HandySandy asked if I liked her gums
> but she used her hands and has a green thumb
> from sticking it into an apple tree plum,
> which is rare but grow in Columbus' slums
> where I live in my shack with my bro and my mum
> but now they done died and I eat old breadcrumbs
> and watch and wait 'til the mailman comes
> and I make out the letters WILL IS DUMB.
>
> "It's a liddle known fack that we Donkeys cain't spel
> But we tries anyways thoe are werds, sad to tel
> Look like sumphin the cat throwed up on are lapel;
> Stil we calls 'em 'po-tree,' and claims they look swel.
> They's sum peeples tink that are po-trees smel,
> But they's all jest trols, and I knows verry wel
> That every last one of them's jellice as Hel.
>
> "A Donkey seeks definition in his life:
>
> "Zod,
> What does it mean to apostrophe?
> Does that mean getting all of your meals for free?
> Or wearing your pants with a string of G?
> Or sacrificing quality for quantity?
> Or living your life squalidly?
> Or spending each day dishonestly?
> Or really needing optometry?
> Or mistakes increasing geometrically?
> Or drinking coffee for impotency?
> Or needing to watch pornography?
> Or knowing my art's an atrocity?
> Or living with you conjugally?
> Or having a roof with porosity?
> Or knowing I'm a lump of mediocrity?
> Please tell me so I can post more on AAPC.
>
> "What is this thing called 'apostrophe'?
> Is it big as a bread box or small as a flea?
> Does one drink it with Ripple, or coffee, or tea?
> If you show it in public, do girls come to see?
> Is it worth anything -- have you got one for me?
> Will it help me to win a stinkin' spelling bee?
> Let's see: 'A-P-O-S-T-R-O-W-FEE.'
> I'm not wrong! Look it up! You're just picking on me!
>
> "A Donkey roots around:
>
> "Zod,
> I did DNA testing and I'm not my Pa's son.
> I'm part donkey, poodle and Pomeranian.
> No wonder Ma built us that chain-link dog run
> to roll in and dig holes and play fetch for fun.
> I had my tail chopped when I turned twenty-one --
> Ma said I was like a canine John Donne --
> but I'd wag it and lift it when I'd see someone
> I liked but humping people's legs just wasn't done
> in polite society and that taught me a lesson
> to pay for my pleasure or go to prison,
> and then I found you and you liked Alpo Sun,
> which wasn't steak but tasty on a hamburger bun.
>
> "I'm top dog among poets, Columbus' bard
> I shit in a hole I dug in the back yard,
> Not my yard, if I'd shat there, I'd have been tarred
> And my Pa could wield a switch powerful hard.
>
> "I got me a Perky as all here should know
> Who cares if some Pekingese won best in show,
> I bow-wow-wow wowed them by singing 'Zorro'
> Then traded my trophy to some truck stop ho.
>
> "My Ma was the bitch all the other dogs boned
> And I was the runt that bitch flat-out disowned,
> I'd wag my tail at her, but she only groaned
> 'You wouldn't be here if I hadn't got stoned.'
>
> "I'm going for a walk 'long the old Chattahooch
> To see if there's any food scraps I can mooch,
> The folks there say I am their favorite pooch
> And LoHo the ho lets me mooch for some cooch.
>
> "But I'm still a donkey, and not some old stray
> And I wrotes me some poems I'm wanting to bray,
> Please hold all your giggling because I'm not gay
> You can jack on my ass, but you're going to pay.
>
> "A Donkey schools himself:
>
> "Zod,
> I miss all my years in 11th grade --
> of drinking and drugging and getting laid,
> though my partners expected that they would get paid
> but I stiffed them and you said that was very well played
> and you know at that time I only weighed
> 100 pounds and my afro made
> me look like a pencil with an exploded lampshade
> on my head but that helped when police'd stage a raid
> and I'd stick my tabs in my hair pomade
> with my poems, a beer and a battered trade
> paperback of 'Southern Poets and Black Handmaids'
> and from Barfly and Zu-Bolted I earned accolades
> and I was sorry after 10 years when I had to bade
> farewell to Carver but I was unafraid
> because I would gift the world with a Donkey Serenade.
>
> "There's a stench in the air
> And I swear that it's not me
> Though I am aware
> There's a stench in the air.
>
> "So I'll sing like a fool
> Till you're sure I've not farted
> And that I am cool
> For a fat, drooling mule.
>
> "Amigo mio, do I not have a manly bray?
> 'Just like a jackass' is what all of the people say.
> But they are all just jealous.
> Thank God that they can't smell us.
> They'd like to be like me, they sniff at my posts all day.
>
> "But try as they may, they are destined to fall
> 'Cause no one can bray quite like me… HEE-EEE-HAW!
> Zod, my sweet, a Donkey's seat is not petite
> So come and beat it, it's a treat but please don't eat it
> I'm a great Donkey!
>
> "I can give you a ride
> While we play Hide the Sausage,
> Have you ever tried
> A jackass for your bride?
>
> "We can busk on our way
> To the old Chattahoochee,
> Everyone will pay
> Just to hear when I bray.
>
> "Amigo mio, are they listening to my song?
> I hear them booing, how can so many be so wrong?
> Now someone's chanting 'Zorro!'
> Oh no, I hear 'The horror!'
> They must be jealous 'cause my voice is so big and strong.
>
> "I bray like a bird, but they all say I spew,
> And all that I hear for applause… is 'PEE-YOU!'
> Zod, my man, my only fan, we've got to make them understand
> That I'm the greatest in the land, King of AAPC!
>
> "A Donkey drools and pants:
>
> "Zod,
> You've been in my pants, what size do I wear?
> Could 32x32 bust out a chair?
> Have you ever seen me completely bare?
> My bottom is covered with thick monkey hair
> that flows past my tail with a donkey swish flair.
> I would get those Levi's if Goodwill could spare
> something that fit me and the alarm didn't blare
> when I stuffed them in my shirt and I was taken somewhere
> dirty and nasty where I told them, I swear,
> that I didn't steal them and that I was a millionaire,
> but I care a lot about my outerwear --
> my one pair of pants is easy care
> since I don't take them off and they clean open air.
> That Rochester's got nerve, dressing debonair,
> and like lower numbers will get him anywhere
> with the ladies, who all love men shaped like a bear.
>
> "My trousers were once worn by Haystacks Calhoun
> And my moob shirt belonged to Gorilla Monsoon
> (I can't button it, but it makes the girls swoon).
> Folks say that I'm built like a hot air balloon,
> I may not be buffed but I am a buffoon,
> I'm smart as a whip and I knows what I'm doin'
> I make like a singer to get me some poon
> Though I am unable to carry a tune
> I grunt my way through a drunken baboon.
> Rochester is swanky, but I'm more roughhewn,
> A hillbilly boy with a face like a prune
> I'm older than dirt but folks call me 'jejune'
> I bow down to thank them, but shoot them the moon.
>
> "A Donkey under the influence:
>
> "Zod,
> I wanted to name Clay for my idol Buk
> Because Kathy said they both made her puke
> I was forced to give her a strong rebuke
> when she said Buk's writing was gobbledygook
> with a slap 'cross her jaw which got her spooked
> and she ran away with that Mexican kook
> and I moped around like a dead chinook
> but I still had girlfriends and that was no fluke
> so how can Pen want to burn and nuke
> Bukowski's great poems and classic books?
>
> "Yeah, I learned from the best, Buk has earned his renown,
> I'm the biggest jackass in the bad part of town,
> Who cares if I can't tell a verb from a noun?
> Like Wile E. Coyote, I'm a crazy clown,
> I drinks so much likker, most folks thinks I'll drown
> My shit's mean and green, it don't never be brown!
> My old lady know'd not to give me no frown,
> I knocked that bitch up, then I slapped her ass down
> It's too bad she's planted six feet undergroun'
> Pen makes me so mad I need something to poun'!
>
> "A Donkey relocates his Empire
>
> "Zod,
> I'm planning a move to NY to be near
> Pen and Edward and then they can hear
> me sing and poet and they won't dare sneer
> at my talent and form and large, shapely rear
> and hoofs hot to trot in city footgear.
> I'll be a big hit as a smooth balladeer
> and might even take in some fluffy premieres
> of major porn flicks and then get a pap smear.
> I'll perform on Broadway in less than a year,
> and Pen and Edward can no longer smear
> my outstanding skill as a writing pioneer
> of Southern poems from Columbus' Shakespeare,
> and you'll move there too as my venue cashier
> and in a NY minute, all our worries disappear.
>
> "Ol' Blue Eyes said I'll make it there
> Because I've made it anywhere…
> Well, almost made it, to be fair,
> I headlined at Doo-Nanny, I swear!
> As donkeys go, I'm debonaire,
> I've got that equine savoir faire,
> And when I make my nostrils flare
> The ladies act just like a mare
> In heat -- so gentlemen, take care
> They can't resist my frizzy hair
> They squee and toss their.underwear
> And want to squeeze the sexy spare
> Tire atop my derriere.
>
> "A Donkey Bible thumps:
>
> "Zod,
> You know the phrase, 'Whither Thou Goest?'
> It actually means that my lawn you will mow-est
> and after that's done, me you will blow-est
> because I can't pay even the cheapest ho-est
> and there are bills, child support and taxes I owe-est.
> What else can you do to make me some dough-est?
> Dirty Mike is by the river playing his banjo-est,
> luring you down to where the water flow-est,
> but let's pretend we are row, row, row-est,
> then feast on some rats and we'll up, up, throw-est.
>
> "I wrote filler for fish wrap for twenty-odd years
> But fish wrap's ephemeral -- my crap disappears
> To languish in landfills in spite of my tears…
> Hey Ilya, let's jack off to Britney Spears.
>
> "My column was titled 'The Magic Store'
> It had something to do with the Mystery Tour
> That inspired Charles Manson and family for sure
> To go knocking on Doris Day's son's former door.
>
> "It opened with quotes from books I haven't read
> But pulled from my internet searches instead,
> They'd nothing to do with my column, that said,
> They showed the enormity of my fat head.
>
> "But fish wrap's forgotten, my columns have gone
> The way of the Edsel, but my verse lives on
> At AAPC where I post round the clock
> In hopes a sock puppet will slurp on my cock.
>
> "A Donkey recapitulates:
>
> "Zod,
> I can't help it but I repeat, repeat, repeat
> repeat, repeat, repeat and mistreat
> the English language and I am a cheat
> 'cause I know 50 words and count with my feet.
> I learn nothing new because I start to bleat
> anytime anyone asks me to complete
> a sentence or book or work time sheet.
> I do know how to eat, eat, eat,
> but Dave's check was sure a monthly treat
> and dirt nap means he has no heartbeat
> even though he was propped in the old loveseat
> for a few months with Ma in the South's Summer heat
> so I asked Sarah to GoFundMe so I could retreat
> from making money through walking the streets,
> and she'll repeat, repeat, repeat while I meet
> the demands of Usenet day, night and Tweet
> my greatness in writing about eating dark meat,
> which has a different texture and is bushy and sweet,
> then I go in the backyard and excrete, excrete, excrete,
> hair balls and chicken bones and swallowed gametes.
>
> "I don't know much words, and folks claims them is wrong
> But no one complains when I'm braying a song
> Three a.m. at LeGents I just whips out my schlong
> An' those what ain't passed out can all sing along.
>
> "I burnt Dave for kindling, and scattered his ash
> Costs less than cremating and I ain't gots cash,
> I tried to sell pictures, but folks called me 'trash,'
> And wished that my pecker'd develop a rash.
>
> "And so I just sits and repeats and repeats,
> I'd starve if my daughter didn't have donkey-teats
> Or sell 'feelsies' to strangers she meets on the streets.
> It sucks… but a Donkey has got to have eats.
>
> "A Donkey dreams of the Pulitzer Prize:
>
> "Zod,
> My newspaper column earned me a press pass.
> I attended the shows and I reached up my ass
> to get quotes from Shakespeare and all the low class
> people I knew so that I could surpass
> the NY Times in my column though I wrote it on grass,
> and there wasn't much writing, just copy and fats.
> When the paper was sold, we were fired en masse,
> and no one wanted me to write for them as
> they knew what I wrote was intestinal gas,
> so now I eat an occasional bass
> that you catch from the Hooch in a net of crabgrass,
> and I've nowhere to write crass but AAPC, alas.
>
> "Yeah, back in the day, I had ten thousand fans
> And they all read my poems and said I'm Da Man,
> Then they brought home their fishes and fried them in pans
> Tossed my column and poem in their garbage cans.
>
> "Still one must admit I was a household name
> At least in the kitchens where I gained my fame
> Glimpsed through fish scales and entrails I found my acclaim
> As 'the fish wrap guy, Willie,' -- we're one and the same.
>
> "I was 'fish wrap guy, Willie,' housewives all agree
> There was never a fishier fella than me,
> I've got fisheyes, I'm whale size, and folks could all see
> The big fish in the small pond was Will Dockery!
>
> "But all good things they say have to come to an end
> And although I'm forgotten, I still can pretend
> That I'm a still celebrity like way back when
> And know, like the 'deep South,' I shall rise once again!
>
> "A Donkey dreams of the Green Eyeshade Award:
>
> "Zod,
> Everything in this town smells bad like fish.
> My hair, my clothes, my current ho bitch.
> I think it's left over from my column on which
> people put fish bones and threw them in a ditch;
> I never do that but I step on turds -- squish --
> but my writing is great, according to Ibish,
> and he knows just how to scratch an itch.
> He'll get me a column that will greatly enrich
> you, me and him and together we'll defeat that femi-niche.
>
> "Ah! The smells of Columbus! My Shitholeville home
> Oh town that inspired my poetry tome!
> Oh town where a man doesn't need pheromone
> For Gay Clay to suck him like trailer hitch chrome.
> Columbus! Columbus! Your fish-fragrant air
> Is sweeter to me than a pig's derriere,
> Folks say you're a stink hole, I say 'Au contraire'
> The scent of our air is, well, beyond compare.
> We've got armpits and buttholes and pissbums to spare
> And we shit on our lawns like we don't have a care,
> But our steel mill shut down and we haven't a spare
> So our air's just as fresh as the air anywhere.
>
> "A Donkey mourns in his own way:
>
> "Zod,
> Ma has been haunting me in our ramshackle house.
> She looks like a Great Dane who hooked up with a louse,
> and her dried up old boobs are hanging out of her blouse
> like Sarah DonkeyTits, but Sarah has to douse
> her clothing with water to get money thereabouts,
> and she learned that from Ma, who also now flouts
> DirtNap Dave in the garden as he has started to sprout
> scales and a tail very close to a trout
> but he has stiff bristles and a short little snout,
> and Ma charges to see him on the Columbus tourist route,
> but I really miss her check, 'cause I'm totally cleaned out,
> living on nothing and waiting for the talent scout
> to discover me, and Dylan and me would hang out,
> but Ma needs to stop her moans and her shouts.
> Rochester, please send fifty for 3 at the steakhouse!
>
> "I'm missing my meals since DirtNap bought the farm
> And my rumbly tummy's a real cause for alarm;
> I tried 'busking' on Broad Street, but I've lost my charm
> For the five-dollar johns who'd want me on their arm.
>
> "Sarah DonkeyTits told me my moobs are too large
> But if I wore a bra, I'd be able to charge
> Kids and pissbums for peeps. Or wear pasties in bars
> But G-strings won't cover butts big as a barge.
>
> "So DonkeyTits started a 'Go Fund Me' scam
> For a G-string that fits men as big as I am,
> But try as I might, it's so hard to go glam
> When your butt is an eight-hundred pound can of Spam.
>
> "Sarah DonkeyTits told me she thinks NancyGene
> Who made up the name 'DonkeyTits' is awfully mean,
> But her boobs are balloons, people think it's obscene
> When she flaunts them in public just like an old queen.
>
> "A Donkey considers sacrificing a body part:
>
> "Zod,
> If a zombie ate my brain, he'd get Prion Disease --
> of course I'd do my best to run or just appease
> a zombie but I don't need no brains as long as I sport these
> giant moobs that a great big hive of hungry honey bees
> can't resist when I do my outdoors striptease,
> but brains are overrated since I drink my antifreeze,
> and Barfly always said that he sho-nuf guarantees
> my IQ will go up to the low to mid 70s
> if I drink a jug of Prestone with a side of cottage cheese,
> and he always said that kindly when I was on my knees,
> but my brain's been on decline -- what are the ABCs?
> So, if I was attacked behind the rotting apple trees,
> they could take a great big bite, those LeGents walking zombies.
>
> "Someone did eat my brain, Thursday night at LeGents
> It sounds crazy, I know, but it's hard to dispense
> With the all-too-clear fact that I lack common sense;
> How my head now feels hollow where once it was dense;
> How I woke up on Friday to find thirty cents
> Jingling round in my skull as if to recompense
> Me for gray matter gobbled up at my expense.
> As bad as this sounds, I've got no apprehens-
> ion as to my survival, although the suspense
> Would drive lesser men batty, but my comprehens-
> ion was always quite poor that it hardly needs ment-
> ion, for now I'm a shoe-in for government pension
> -- My SSI stipend is bound to commence
> Any day now, and so I say with no pretense
> That my brain may be gone, but my hair's still immense.
> "A Donkey admits guilt:
>
> "Zod,
> I confess that I stole your new pink ear buds,
> stuck them up my ass -- I thought it said rear buds --
> and I hear the gurgling of my guts and bad blood.
> When I take them out, there's a spill of milky duds,
> and I guess if I bathed there’d be a few soap suds.
> But now the ear buds are covered with my crud,
> which is talented too and can play local clubs,
> and cover my songs that you'd hear through ear buds
> if I were to give them back and stop chewing on my cud.
>
> "Hey! Hands off those milk duds, they're mine, don't you know
> They ain't no damn Skittles, they're homegrown cocoa,
> I pooped me a pile, just look at it grow!
> If I had me a hopper, it would overflow.
> I'm a cornhole of plenty, a copia Joe,
> I'm a spunk-monkey Donkey who'll do you for blow,
> A real dung-hole delivery boy, always gung-ho
> To try anything new, and I say apropos
> Of the topic at hand that I ain't no Jim Crow
> 'Cause there's no poon like coon poon -- it's my risotto!
> Well I've traveled this world from Tyrone to Cairo
> Both of which are in Georgia (not so far to go)
> For a world-trotting Donkey who's hard up for dough,
> And I seen everything, I'm a reg'lar Theroux
> So if I tell you something, you know that it's so.
> But back to my mild duds, you ain't passing 'Go,'
> Coprophagic pissbum! I'll stomp on your toe
> Or fracture your skull with my mobile gizmo,
> You'll be sleeping with DirtNap instead of LoHo…
> While Dirty Mike strums his… excuse me… 'banjo.'
>
> "A Donkey reaches for literary heights:
>
> "Zod,
> Pen's putting our adventures in a glossy new book,
> and 5,000 lines is what it done took
> to record all my triumphs, friends and yearbooks.
> We're like Hornblower, Columbus and old Captain Hook,
> who was real, said Dan Barfly, and frequently shook
> Peter Pan and Jordy's Uncle from their light loafers nook.
> Pen will even add in when we snacked on then cooked
> hos for dinner and lunch when they called us old shnooks,
> and you whipped out your dork and nobody looked,
> and remember the Phophet's wives' bras you unhooked?
>
> "It beat 'Betty's Hat' -- it beat 'Penny's Hat,' too
> And it beat 'Batty's Hat' (PJR, nuts to you!)
> It'll make me real famous -- a real big 'to do'
> So let's get out a raise a real hullaballoo!
> We'll bump it and slurp it, and crow 'bout our coup,
> Praise it to the skies, raise a big ballyhoo!
> We'll out our guts, shout 'Callay!' and 'Callooh!'
> While Dirty Mike blows a tune on his kazoo,
> And LoHo and Missy can dance hoochie coo.
>
> "Then I'll win a Pulitzer like Bobby D.
> And Rachel can get a fixation on me --
> We'll breed fat, happy Donkeys… perhaps twenty-three
> And live in a shed with no 'lectricity.
> Poor ol' Dirt Nap Dave would be jealous to see
> All my fortune and fame and the new SUV
> That I buy with residuals from my poetry.
>
> " "A Donkey suffers from Topitis:
>
> "Zod,
> When Pen posts a new UPDATE: SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS (part III),
> I need to post one too and it makes me want to pee,
> although I always like to write only about me,
> but the Update that Pen posts is true, I agree,
> but does he have to write it with that clever NG,
> who knows my secrets and cries whoopee
> when she posts my arrests and the jail house decrees,
> not to mention my drugs and my plagiarism sprees,
> where I borrowed from poets since they were copyright free,
> and my mistakes autocorrected in the phone key of B,
> but the issues you bring up sure are weighty
> like 'one of your best' and that you've read it plenty.
> I'd write something else, but don't know what that would be
> No one is as great as I am guaranteed,
> and my Shadowville Mythos is at the top, thanks to thee.
>
>
> "I'm the most famous poet at AAPC;
> My threads have the most posts as all here can see
> (So what if they're all just the General and me
> Saying 'Thanks for the nod' and 'Hello' to Jordy?).
> We post round the clock, pretty much constantly,
> But we've plenty of time and our time is all free
> So we slurp and reslurp to bump my poetry.
> Years from now, people surfing this newsgroup will be
> Oh so wildly impressed with the post-fests by me,
> And you can just bet that they all will agree
> That the poetry group was all me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeee!
> That's right, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me
> I'm the world's greatest poet -- I'm Will Dockery!
> And my posts here will live on as my legacy,
> With the record set straight to let posterity
> Know the man, myth, and legend folks came here to see…
> That's right, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
>
>
> "A Donkey considers his place in Linnaean classification:
>
> "Zod,
> I'm growing thick hair on my face, moobs and feet.
> Does that Monkey Pox know that I've been indiscreet?
> After years on the down low and hustling the street,
> I'm attracted to Cheetah and his brand of effete
> monkey business, swinging and hirsute heartbeat.
>
> As for tails, his is cute and the hos think its neat
>
> I can hang out of windows and never compete
> with them for the Johns since I now crave ape meat,
> the darker the better and those silverback treats(!)
> when we wrestle and spoon beneath North George's sheets.
>
>
> "I like Bonzo and Zippy and J. Fred Muggs, too
> And that Cocodesockmonkey – Woo-woo-woo-woo!
> I spank mine when I think of the things I could do
> If they gave me a cage in the Shadowville zoo.
> O to live in a zoo! All my dreams would come true!
> All my wet ones and dry ones and dreams when I poo
> (No, I'm not housebroken, but neither are you).
>
> "I am curious, George; you've sailed the seven seas
> (You've been 'round the world' and you've been on your knees)
> Did you ever do mandrills? Do howlers have fleas?
> Are baboons or gorillas more willing to please?
> Were you alpha or beta or… what's Greek for 'c's?
> Did they know their own strength when they gave you a squeeze?
> Did you mate in the grasses or up in the trees?
>
> "A Donkey is comfortable in his own body:
>
> "Zod,
> There's nothing can beat my lush DonkeyTits --
> they bow and they wave and they do a full splits,
> they get by on fat and not by using no wits,
> and you often have seen my other naughty bits,
> but my DonkeyTits are as good as it gits,
> and can even be served with butter and grits,
> or a light snack of tits tucked under arm pits,
> and I show them to strangers as my time permits,
> and they're great to include in an auto toolkit,
> and they're bigger than Pen's, even he will admit.
>
> "For my DonkeyTits are as big as can be
> And because I'm a Donkey, my tits can hang free,
> They flap in the wind, anybody can see
> My DonkeyTits even in mixed company.
> Sarah DonkeyTits claimed she was bigger than me
> So we both pulled 'em out one evening over tea,
> We measured each other's and Go-ol-ly Gee!
> I'm a DDD Donkey while she's just an E.
> Heck, I beat Dolly Parton, I'm sure you'll agree
> That my DonkeyTits give men fits… right, General Z?
> Just ask One-Drum Derundo and Henry Conlee
> When I shake 'em on stage doing karaoke
> The audience hollers "More DonkeyTitty!
> "A Donkey vacations at the CDC:
>
> "Zod,
> Monkey pox is now an STD
> and I think that you've recently given it to me
> as I have a strong urge to climb apple trees
> and take off my clothes and feel the cool breeze
> on my butt without these dirty dung-arees
> and I'll do Seven Labors like a fat Hercules
> or question and answer like Sam Socrates
> and visit North George at his house overseas
> in Canada where even in summer they freeze
> and a pox on you if you stop the Chinese
> from ordering my book translated Ibishese
> and it's selling at Walmart like ham and Swiss cheese
> but they don't know I've got this monkey disease.
> Will that hurt the sales of my poems, My Main Squeeze?
> "I've got monkey pox and it's toxic as hell,
> My Donkey-stench now has a terrible smell
> Of festering boils that spurt puss, as well
> As some genital scabbing that's best not to tell
> Of in social media platforms like this.
> Hey, Lady Bunny, don't look at me funny
> My schlong may be runny, but I'm still your honey,
> So, Bunny, don't shun me, I've still got some money
> And now that you've won me, come give me a kiss.
> Well, fuck you, too, drunk, I'll just fuck Jordy's Unc-
> le, who finds my carbuncle surpassingly cute.
> You toothless old skunk, you've a funk like a monk-
> ey, I'll let Isaac play a lick on my skin flute.
> But should Isaac prove busy, no need for a tizzy,
> George Dunce around, is he? He's good for a blow.
> He gets me all jizzy till my head gets dizzy
> And gee-whiz! he says that I'm hotter than Mo."
> -- Will Donkey, "The Shadowville Mythos: Ode to My Slurp-puppet"

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

On Tuesday, September 6, 2022 at 6:06:00 PM UTC, michaelmalef...@gmail.com wrote:
> THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
> PART THREE
>
>
> "A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:
>
> "Zod,
> Wiggle Wiggle
> I rap and wiggle, wiggle
> I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
> It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
> And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
> So what if people sniggle, sniggle
> At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
> I love to niggle, niggle.
>
> "I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
> I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
> He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
> And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
> An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
> Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
> I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
> But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
> Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.
>
> "A Donkey knows pond scum:
>
> "Zod,
> Did you know that Henry David Theroux
> was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
> and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
> and they said good night just like us and the hos,
> and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
> but their farm could grew their very own blow,
> and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
> and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
> and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.
>
> "More than Theroux, when I began
> My poet's career, it was my plan
> To write like Popeye the sailor man
> And eats all me spinaches from a can.
> I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.
>
> "I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
> 'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
> An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
> All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
> That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
> 'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.
>
> "A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:
>
> "Zod,
> Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
> I learned that this year while playing with blocks
> though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
> so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
> but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
> and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
> did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
> whose choice of mates is unorthodox
> and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
> Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
> but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
> and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.
>
> "A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.
>
> "Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
> So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
> For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
> And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
> We had no running water, but that was okay,
> I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
> We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
> Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
> But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
> And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
> At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
> While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
> That I lived a darn good life back in the day.
>
> "Donkey enters musth
>
> "Zod,
> I'm going through my monthly musth
> when I have to bang either balls or bust
> or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
> but you always like my increased lust
> when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
> and even the grannies who are covered with dust
> know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
> and you'll recall that apple pie crust
> when I went wild and ate and cussed
> because I knew I'd soon combust
> and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
> at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.
>
> "This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
> What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
> I stick it in places where it don't belong
> Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
> But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
> And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.
>
> "Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
> And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
> When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
> But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
> Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
> And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
> Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
> Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
> But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
> When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
> So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
> The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
> And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.
>
> "A Donkey drop kicks names:
>
> "Zod,
> Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
> and that certainly set a very high bar
> which I easily reached in becoming a star.
> I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
> beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
> and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
> but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
> We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
> and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
> and every single Christmas they sent caviar
> and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.
>
> "You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
> It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
> We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
> Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
> And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
> We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
> All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
> Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
> Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."
>
> "A Donkey practices planned parenthood:
>
> "Zod,
> Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
> People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
> Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
> and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
> I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
> and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
> and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
> but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.
>
> "I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
> An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
> But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
> Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
> I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
> If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
> Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
> (Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
> I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.
>
> "A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:
>
> "Zod,
> I'm having a cookout on July the Four
> I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
> who service the needy like me who can't score
> but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
> of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
> until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
> and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
> and you can raise up the bum semaphore
> just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
> and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
> but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
> so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
> of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
> but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
> on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
> and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.
>
> "I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
> I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
> An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
> Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
> Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
> I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.
>
> "I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
> I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
> On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
> But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
> An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
> An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
> Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
> An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load
>
> "Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
> An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
> Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
> That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.
>
> "A Donkey is captured for posterity:
>
> "Zod,
> I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
> We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
> Let's not include the custom handcuffs
> but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
> and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
> diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
> on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
> who love me all day and then leave in a huff
> 'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
> so I'm asking you to get off your duff
> and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
> just me and my bod and that should be enough
> for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.
>
> "I want you to body paint me when you're done
> You can paint daisies on me, it should be such fun
> I make a broad canvas -- I weigh half a ton --
> You can paint the grand canyon on just my left bun;
> Polka dots on my man-boobs, big pink and green ones
> And if you find my wiener, paint it like a gun.
> I'll look like a tattooed man, I'm telling you, hon
> And when you finish me, you can paint on my son.
>
> "Donkey designs his world:
>
> "Zod,
> I'd like to pretend that I am a house.
> You can paint me bright colors and act as my spouse.
> The blue tarp you stole didn't keep out the louse
> that's now my pet vermin along with my mouse,
> and thanks for finding this pink ruffled blouse
> that I wear in the shack while you liberally douse
> me with love juice and pull off my baggy old trows
> and art fills us both like we're stars at Bauhaus.
>
> "Or maybe I'll pretend that I am a boat
> I've got lots of blubber to keep me afloat,
> I need to get shipshape, so give me a coat
> Of fresh paint to cover my flab and my bloat,
> And maybe some blue stars to highlight my scrot.
> I'm an impressive vessel, pardon if I gloat
> But Horatio Hornblower surely would dote
> On my riggings and mainsails -- and this you can quote
> I would blow that man's horn like my name was 'Deep Throat.'
>
> "A Donkey pines for Manolos:
>
> "Zod,
> Do you know any shoes that will fit on my feet?
> I have hoofs for feet, which the hos think is neat
> but nailing shoes on is hard on the street
> and you know that I walk 20 miles just to eat
> so pulling shoes on would make a fine treat
> and wearing real shoes could get me dark meat
> which has a strange texture, not tart and not sweet.
> If you find me high heels, I'll be indiscrete
> with you and DirtMike in the crew cab backseat,
> and hoofs don't feel good on the hot, cracked concrete
> but I'd wear stilettos in a Durundo drumbeat
> and I'd hee and I'd haw and I'd bleat, Mon Petite.
>
> "Now a donkey in heels is a marvelous sight
> I like how it feels, it increases my height;
> All the boys at LeGents shout "You go, girl! Alright!"
> While the AAPC trolls just laugh out of spite.
>
> "But the fashionable donkeys who want to impress
> Wouldn't dream of Manolos without a new dress,
> A new, bright blue moomoo, I have to confess
> Would be too, too, très froufrou, I'd have such finesse
> That all the LeGents gents would call me Princess.
>
> "A Donkey builds a time machine:
>
> "Zod,
> I think I'm living in 2092.
> Sorry, but you'll croak in 2022
> and poems are mailing me out of the blue --
> how they have my address, I haven't a clue --
> and each time I typed, my nose twitched and grew.
> I can't even see when I start with my spew.
> I make 1000 typos and each is brand new.
> I sure hope you hurry so you can push through
> 30 posts to take the heat off me, whew!
> I only have John Dunne and they have a slew
> of things like Ed Poland, and Woody won't do
> 'cause Rochester looks like a god and I knew
> that my comebacks were starting to gather mildew,
> and I'm crying with shame and can't bum a tissue,
> so I'm looking for Pickles, that Wandering Jew,
> to save me from trolls, and he's long overdue.
>
> "The future's like everything H.G. Wells said
> It would be, but sadly, I'm still better off dead --
> In a George Jetson world, I still live in a shed.
> I've got tapeworms and chiggers and lice on my head
> I've got rats in my cupboard, and fleas in my bed
> And they've all got computers and spaceships of red
> And make noises like Pac-Man and call me inbred
> And George's boy, Elroy, said that I'm a ped-
> ophile, and I must admit that I've not read
> Much about such things but he's got more than a shred
> Of DNA evidence and so I've pled
> For mercy -- but got thrown in prison instead.
>
> "A Donkey never won no stinkin’ spellin bee
>
> "Zod,
> How do you spel the first name William?
> I print 4 letters and then I'm, umm?
> I also want to know how to spel scrotum.
> Asking for a friend with unearned income.
> Derundo is to blame for trying to drum
> some music into me but I can’t spel rhythm.
> HandySandy asked if I liked her gums
> but she used her hands and has a green thumb
> from sticking it into an apple tree plum,
> which is rare but grow in Columbus' slums
> where I live in my shack with my bro and my mum
> but now they done died and I eat old breadcrumbs
> and watch and wait 'til the mailman comes
> and I make out the letters WILL IS DUMB.
>
> "It's a liddle known fack that we Donkeys cain't spel
> But we tries anyways thoe are werds, sad to tel
> Look like sumphin the cat throwed up on are lapel;
> Stil we calls 'em 'po-tree,' and claims they look swel.
> They's sum peeples tink that are po-trees smel,
> But they's all jest trols, and I knows verry wel
> That every last one of them's jellice as Hel.
>
> "A Donkey seeks definition in his life:
>
> "Zod,
> What does it mean to apostrophe?
> Does that mean getting all of your meals for free?
> Or wearing your pants with a string of G?
> Or sacrificing quality for quantity?
> Or living your life squalidly?
> Or spending each day dishonestly?
> Or really needing optometry?
> Or mistakes increasing geometrically?
> Or drinking coffee for impotency?
> Or needing to watch pornography?
> Or knowing my art's an atrocity?
> Or living with you conjugally?
> Or having a roof with porosity?
> Or knowing I'm a lump of mediocrity?
> Please tell me so I can post more on AAPC.
>
> "What is this thing called 'apostrophe'?
> Is it big as a bread box or small as a flea?
> Does one drink it with Ripple, or coffee, or tea?
> If you show it in public, do girls come to see?
> Is it worth anything -- have you got one for me?
> Will it help me to win a stinkin' spelling bee?
> Let's see: 'A-P-O-S-T-R-O-W-FEE.'
> I'm not wrong! Look it up! You're just picking on me!
>
> "A Donkey roots around:
>
> "Zod,
> I did DNA testing and I'm not my Pa's son.
> I'm part donkey, poodle and Pomeranian.
> No wonder Ma built us that chain-link dog run
> to roll in and dig holes and play fetch for fun.
> I had my tail chopped when I turned twenty-one --
> Ma said I was like a canine John Donne --
> but I'd wag it and lift it when I'd see someone
> I liked but humping people's legs just wasn't done
> in polite society and that taught me a lesson
> to pay for my pleasure or go to prison,
> and then I found you and you liked Alpo Sun,
> which wasn't steak but tasty on a hamburger bun.
>
> "I'm top dog among poets, Columbus' bard
> I shit in a hole I dug in the back yard,
> Not my yard, if I'd shat there, I'd have been tarred
> And my Pa could wield a switch powerful hard.
>
> "I got me a Perky as all here should know
> Who cares if some Pekingese won best in show,
> I bow-wow-wow wowed them by singing 'Zorro'
> Then traded my trophy to some truck stop ho.
>
> "My Ma was the bitch all the other dogs boned
> And I was the runt that bitch flat-out disowned,
> I'd wag my tail at her, but she only groaned
> 'You wouldn't be here if I hadn't got stoned.'
>
> "I'm going for a walk 'long the old Chattahooch
> To see if there's any food scraps I can mooch,
> The folks there say I am their favorite pooch
> And LoHo the ho lets me mooch for some cooch.
>
> "But I'm still a donkey, and not some old stray
> And I wrotes me some poems I'm wanting to bray,
> Please hold all your giggling because I'm not gay
> You can jack on my ass, but you're going to pay.
>
> "A Donkey schools himself:
>
> "Zod,
> I miss all my years in 11th grade --
> of drinking and drugging and getting laid,
> though my partners expected that they would get paid
> but I stiffed them and you said that was very well played
> and you know at that time I only weighed
> 100 pounds and my afro made
> me look like a pencil with an exploded lampshade
> on my head but that helped when police'd stage a raid
> and I'd stick my tabs in my hair pomade
> with my poems, a beer and a battered trade
> paperback of 'Southern Poets and Black Handmaids'
> and from Barfly and Zu-Bolted I earned accolades
> and I was sorry after 10 years when I had to bade
> farewell to Carver but I was unafraid
> because I would gift the world with a Donkey Serenade.
>
> "There's a stench in the air
> And I swear that it's not me
> Though I am aware
> There's a stench in the air.
>
> "So I'll sing like a fool
> Till you're sure I've not farted
> And that I am cool
> For a fat, drooling mule.
>
> "Amigo mio, do I not have a manly bray?
> 'Just like a jackass' is what all of the people say.
> But they are all just jealous.
> Thank God that they can't smell us.
> They'd like to be like me, they sniff at my posts all day.
>
> "But try as they may, they are destined to fall
> 'Cause no one can bray quite like me… HEE-EEE-HAW!
> Zod, my sweet, a Donkey's seat is not petite
> So come and beat it, it's a treat but please don't eat it
> I'm a great Donkey!
>
> "I can give you a ride
> While we play Hide the Sausage,
> Have you ever tried
> A jackass for your bride?
>
> "We can busk on our way
> To the old Chattahoochee,
> Everyone will pay
> Just to hear when I bray.
>
> "Amigo mio, are they listening to my song?
> I hear them booing, how can so many be so wrong?
> Now someone's chanting 'Zorro!'
> Oh no, I hear 'The horror!'
> They must be jealous 'cause my voice is so big and strong.
>
> "I bray like a bird, but they all say I spew,
> And all that I hear for applause… is 'PEE-YOU!'
> Zod, my man, my only fan, we've got to make them understand
> That I'm the greatest in the land, King of AAPC!
>
> "A Donkey drools and pants:
>
> "Zod,
> You've been in my pants, what size do I wear?
> Could 32x32 bust out a chair?
> Have you ever seen me completely bare?
> My bottom is covered with thick monkey hair
> that flows past my tail with a donkey swish flair.
> I would get those Levi's if Goodwill could spare
> something that fit me and the alarm didn't blare
> when I stuffed them in my shirt and I was taken somewhere
> dirty and nasty where I told them, I swear,
> that I didn't steal them and that I was a millionaire,
> but I care a lot about my outerwear --
> my one pair of pants is easy care
> since I don't take them off and they clean open air.
> That Rochester's got nerve, dressing debonair,
> and like lower numbers will get him anywhere
> with the ladies, who all love men shaped like a bear.
>
> "My trousers were once worn by Haystacks Calhoun
> And my moob shirt belonged to Gorilla Monsoon
> (I can't button it, but it makes the girls swoon).
> Folks say that I'm built like a hot air balloon,
> I may not be buffed but I am a buffoon,
> I'm smart as a whip and I knows what I'm doin'
> I make like a singer to get me some poon
> Though I am unable to carry a tune
> I grunt my way through a drunken baboon.
> Rochester is swanky, but I'm more roughhewn,
> A hillbilly boy with a face like a prune
> I'm older than dirt but folks call me 'jejune'
> I bow down to thank them, but shoot them the moon.
>
> "A Donkey under the influence:
>
> "Zod,
> I wanted to name Clay for my idol Buk
> Because Kathy said they both made her puke
> I was forced to give her a strong rebuke
> when she said Buk's writing was gobbledygook
> with a slap 'cross her jaw which got her spooked
> and she ran away with that Mexican kook
> and I moped around like a dead chinook
> but I still had girlfriends and that was no fluke
> so how can Pen want to burn and nuke
> Bukowski's great poems and classic books?
>
> "Yeah, I learned from the best, Buk has earned his renown,
> I'm the biggest jackass in the bad part of town,
> Who cares if I can't tell a verb from a noun?
> Like Wile E. Coyote, I'm a crazy clown,
> I drinks so much likker, most folks thinks I'll drown
> My shit's mean and green, it don't never be brown!
> My old lady know'd not to give me no frown,
> I knocked that bitch up, then I slapped her ass down
> It's too bad she's planted six feet undergroun'
> Pen makes me so mad I need something to poun'!
>
> "A Donkey relocates his Empire
>
> "Zod,
> I'm planning a move to NY to be near
> Pen and Edward and then they can hear
> me sing and poet and they won't dare sneer
> at my talent and form and large, shapely rear
> and hoofs hot to trot in city footgear.
> I'll be a big hit as a smooth balladeer
> and might even take in some fluffy premieres
> of major porn flicks and then get a pap smear.
> I'll perform on Broadway in less than a year,
> and Pen and Edward can no longer smear
> my outstanding skill as a writing pioneer
> of Southern poems from Columbus' Shakespeare,
> and you'll move there too as my venue cashier
> and in a NY minute, all our worries disappear.
>
> "Ol' Blue Eyes said I'll make it there
> Because I've made it anywhere…
> Well, almost made it, to be fair,
> I headlined at Doo-Nanny, I swear!
> As donkeys go, I'm debonaire,
> I've got that equine savoir faire,
> And when I make my nostrils flare
> The ladies act just like a mare
> In heat -- so gentlemen, take care
> They can't resist my frizzy hair
> They squee and toss their.underwear
> And want to squeeze the sexy spare
> Tire atop my derriere.
>
> "A Donkey Bible thumps:
>
> "Zod,
> You know the phrase, 'Whither Thou Goest?'
> It actually means that my lawn you will mow-est
> and after that's done, me you will blow-est
> because I can't pay even the cheapest ho-est
> and there are bills, child support and taxes I owe-est.
> What else can you do to make me some dough-est?
> Dirty Mike is by the river playing his banjo-est,
> luring you down to where the water flow-est,
> but let's pretend we are row, row, row-est,
> then feast on some rats and we'll up, up, throw-est.
>
> "I wrote filler for fish wrap for twenty-odd years
> But fish wrap's ephemeral -- my crap disappears
> To languish in landfills in spite of my tears…
> Hey Ilya, let's jack off to Britney Spears.
>
> "My column was titled 'The Magic Store'
> It had something to do with the Mystery Tour
> That inspired Charles Manson and family for sure
> To go knocking on Doris Day's son's former door.
>
> "It opened with quotes from books I haven't read
> But pulled from my internet searches instead,
> They'd nothing to do with my column, that said,
> They showed the enormity of my fat head.
>
> "But fish wrap's forgotten, my columns have gone
> The way of the Edsel, but my verse lives on
> At AAPC where I post round the clock
> In hopes a sock puppet will slurp on my cock.
>
> "A Donkey recapitulates:
>
> "Zod,
> I can't help it but I repeat, repeat, repeat
> repeat, repeat, repeat and mistreat
> the English language and I am a cheat
> 'cause I know 50 words and count with my feet.
> I learn nothing new because I start to bleat
> anytime anyone asks me to complete
> a sentence or book or work time sheet.
> I do know how to eat, eat, eat,
> but Dave's check was sure a monthly treat
> and dirt nap means he has no heartbeat
> even though he was propped in the old loveseat
> for a few months with Ma in the South's Summer heat
> so I asked Sarah to GoFundMe so I could retreat
> from making money through walking the streets,
> and she'll repeat, repeat, repeat while I meet
> the demands of Usenet day, night and Tweet
> my greatness in writing about eating dark meat,
> which has a different texture and is bushy and sweet,
> then I go in the backyard and excrete, excrete, excrete,
> hair balls and chicken bones and swallowed gametes.
>
> "I don't know much words, and folks claims them is wrong
> But no one complains when I'm braying a song
> Three a.m. at LeGents I just whips out my schlong
> An' those what ain't passed out can all sing along.
>
> "I burnt Dave for kindling, and scattered his ash
> Costs less than cremating and I ain't gots cash,
> I tried to sell pictures, but folks called me 'trash,'
> And wished that my pecker'd develop a rash.
>
> "And so I just sits and repeats and repeats,
> I'd starve if my daughter didn't have donkey-teats
> Or sell 'feelsies' to strangers she meets on the streets.
> It sucks… but a Donkey has got to have eats.
>
> "A Donkey dreams of the Pulitzer Prize:
>
> "Zod,
> My newspaper column earned me a press pass.
> I attended the shows and I reached up my ass
> to get quotes from Shakespeare and all the low class
> people I knew so that I could surpass
> the NY Times in my column though I wrote it on grass,
> and there wasn't much writing, just copy and fats.
> When the paper was sold, we were fired en masse,
> and no one wanted me to write for them as
> they knew what I wrote was intestinal gas,
> so now I eat an occasional bass
> that you catch from the Hooch in a net of crabgrass,
> and I've nowhere to write crass but AAPC, alas.
>
> "Yeah, back in the day, I had ten thousand fans
> And they all read my poems and said I'm Da Man,
> Then they brought home their fishes and fried them in pans
> Tossed my column and poem in their garbage cans.
>
> "Still one must admit I was a household name
> At least in the kitchens where I gained my fame
> Glimpsed through fish scales and entrails I found my acclaim
> As 'the fish wrap guy, Willie,' -- we're one and the same.
>
> "I was 'fish wrap guy, Willie,' housewives all agree
> There was never a fishier fella than me,
> I've got fisheyes, I'm whale size, and folks could all see
> The big fish in the small pond was Will Dockery!
>
> "But all good things they say have to come to an end
> And although I'm forgotten, I still can pretend
> That I'm a still celebrity like way back when
> And know, like the 'deep South,' I shall rise once again!
>
> "A Donkey dreams of the Green Eyeshade Award:
>
> "Zod,
> Everything in this town smells bad like fish.
> My hair, my clothes, my current ho bitch.
> I think it's left over from my column on which
> people put fish bones and threw them in a ditch;
> I never do that but I step on turds -- squish --
> but my writing is great, according to Ibish,
> and he knows just how to scratch an itch.
> He'll get me a column that will greatly enrich
> you, me and him and together we'll defeat that femi-niche.
>
> "Ah! The smells of Columbus! My Shitholeville home
> Oh town that inspired my poetry tome!
> Oh town where a man doesn't need pheromone
> For Gay Clay to suck him like trailer hitch chrome.
> Columbus! Columbus! Your fish-fragrant air
> Is sweeter to me than a pig's derriere,
> Folks say you're a stink hole, I say 'Au contraire'
> The scent of our air is, well, beyond compare.
> We've got armpits and buttholes and pissbums to spare
> And we shit on our lawns like we don't have a care,
> But our steel mill shut down and we haven't a spare
> So our air's just as fresh as the air anywhere.
>
> "A Donkey mourns in his own way:
>
> "Zod,
> Ma has been haunting me in our ramshackle house.
> She looks like a Great Dane who hooked up with a louse,
> and her dried up old boobs are hanging out of her blouse
> like Sarah DonkeyTits, but Sarah has to douse
> her clothing with water to get money thereabouts,
> and she learned that from Ma, who also now flouts
> DirtNap Dave in the garden as he has started to sprout
> scales and a tail very close to a trout
> but he has stiff bristles and a short little snout,
> and Ma charges to see him on the Columbus tourist route,
> but I really miss her check, 'cause I'm totally cleaned out,
> living on nothing and waiting for the talent scout
> to discover me, and Dylan and me would hang out,
> but Ma needs to stop her moans and her shouts.
> Rochester, please send fifty for 3 at the steakhouse!
>
> "I'm missing my meals since DirtNap bought the farm
> And my rumbly tummy's a real cause for alarm;
> I tried 'busking' on Broad Street, but I've lost my charm
> For the five-dollar johns who'd want me on their arm.
>
> "Sarah DonkeyTits told me my moobs are too large
> But if I wore a bra, I'd be able to charge
> Kids and pissbums for peeps. Or wear pasties in bars
> But G-strings won't cover butts big as a barge.
>
> "So DonkeyTits started a 'Go Fund Me' scam
> For a G-string that fits men as big as I am,
> But try as I might, it's so hard to go glam
> When your butt is an eight-hundred pound can of Spam.
>
> "Sarah DonkeyTits told me she thinks NancyGene
> Who made up the name 'DonkeyTits' is awfully mean,
> But her boobs are balloons, people think it's obscene
> When she flaunts them in public just like an old queen.
>
> "A Donkey considers sacrificing a body part:
>
> "Zod,
> If a zombie ate my brain, he'd get Prion Disease --
> of course I'd do my best to run or just appease
> a zombie but I don't need no brains as long as I sport these
> giant moobs that a great big hive of hungry honey bees
> can't resist when I do my outdoors striptease,
> but brains are overrated since I drink my antifreeze,
> and Barfly always said that he sho-nuf guarantees
> my IQ will go up to the low to mid 70s
> if I drink a jug of Prestone with a side of cottage cheese,
> and he always said that kindly when I was on my knees,
> but my brain's been on decline -- what are the ABCs?
> So, if I was attacked behind the rotting apple trees,
> they could take a great big bite, those LeGents walking zombies.
>
> "Someone did eat my brain, Thursday night at LeGents
> It sounds crazy, I know, but it's hard to dispense
> With the all-too-clear fact that I lack common sense;
> How my head now feels hollow where once it was dense;
> How I woke up on Friday to find thirty cents
> Jingling round in my skull as if to recompense
> Me for gray matter gobbled up at my expense.
> As bad as this sounds, I've got no apprehens-
> ion as to my survival, although the suspense
> Would drive lesser men batty, but my comprehens-
> ion was always quite poor that it hardly needs ment-
> ion, for now I'm a shoe-in for government pension
> -- My SSI stipend is bound to commence
> Any day now, and so I say with no pretense
> That my brain may be gone, but my hair's still immense.
>
> "A Donkey admits guilt:
>
> "Zod,
> I confess that I stole your new pink ear buds,
> stuck them up my ass -- I thought it said rear buds --
> and I hear the gurgling of my guts and bad blood.
> When I take them out, there's a spill of milky duds,
> and I guess if I bathed there’d be a few soap suds.
> But now the ear buds are covered with my crud,
> which is talented too and can play local clubs,
> and cover my songs that you'd hear through ear buds
> if I were to give them back and stop chewing on my cud.
>
> "Hey! Hands off those milk duds, they're mine, don't you know
> They ain't no damn Skittles, they're homegrown cocoa,
> I pooped me a pile, just look at it grow!
> If I had me a hopper, it would overflow.
> I'm a cornhole of plenty, a copia Joe,
> I'm a spunk-monkey Donkey who'll do you for blow,
> A real dung-hole delivery boy, always gung-ho
> To try anything new, and I say apropos
> Of the topic at hand that I ain't no Jim Crow
> 'Cause there's no poon like coon poon -- it's my risotto!
> Well I've traveled this world from Tyrone to Cairo
> Both of which are in Georgia (not so far to go)
> For a world-trotting Donkey who's hard up for dough,
> And I seen everything, I'm a reg'lar Theroux
> So if I tell you something, you know that it's so.
> But back to my mild duds, you ain't passing 'Go,'
> Coprophagic pissbum! I'll stomp on your toe
> Or fracture your skull with my mobile gizmo,
> You'll be sleeping with DirtNap instead of LoHo…
> While Dirty Mike strums his… excuse me… 'banjo.'
>
> "A Donkey reaches for literary heights:
>
> "Zod,
> Pen's putting our adventures in a glossy new book,
> and 5,000 lines is what it done took
> to record all my triumphs, friends and yearbooks.
> We're like Hornblower, Columbus and old Captain Hook,
> who was real, said Dan Barfly, and frequently shook
> Peter Pan and Jordy's Uncle from their light loafers nook.
> Pen will even add in when we snacked on then cooked
> hos for dinner and lunch when they called us old shnooks,
> and you whipped out your dork and nobody looked,
> and remember the Phophet's wives' bras you unhooked?
>
> "It beat 'Betty's Hat' -- it beat 'Penny's Hat,' too
> And it beat 'Batty's Hat' (PJR, nuts to you!)
> It'll make me real famous -- a real big 'to do'
> So let's get out a raise a real hullaballoo!
> We'll bump it and slurp it, and crow 'bout our coup,
> Praise it to the skies, raise a big ballyhoo!
> We'll out our guts, shout 'Callay!' and 'Callooh!'
> While Dirty Mike blows a tune on his kazoo,
> And LoHo and Missy can dance hoochie coo.
>
> "Then I'll win a Pulitzer like Bobby D.
> And Rachel can get a fixation on me --
> We'll breed fat, happy Donkeys… perhaps twenty-three
> And live in a shed with no 'lectricity.
> Poor ol' Dirt Nap Dave would be jealous to see
> All my fortune and fame and the new SUV
> That I buy with residuals from my poetry.
>
> " "A Donkey suffers from Topitis:
>
> "Zod,
> When Pen posts a new UPDATE: SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS (part III),
> I need to post one too and it makes me want to pee,
> although I always like to write only about me,
> but the Update that Pen posts is true, I agree,
> but does he have to write it with that clever NG,
> who knows my secrets and cries whoopee
> when she posts my arrests and the jail house decrees,
> not to mention my drugs and my plagiarism sprees,
> where I borrowed from poets since they were copyright free,
> and my mistakes autocorrected in the phone key of B,
> but the issues you bring up sure are weighty
> like 'one of your best' and that you've read it plenty.
> I'd write something else, but don't know what that would be
> No one is as great as I am guaranteed,
> and my Shadowville Mythos is at the top, thanks to thee.
>
> "I'm the most famous poet at AAPC;
> My threads have the most posts as all here can see
> (So what if they're all just the General and me
> Saying 'Thanks for the nod' and 'Hello' to Jordy?).
> We post round the clock, pretty much constantly,
> But we've plenty of time and our time is all free
> So we slurp and reslurp to bump my poetry.
> Years from now, people surfing this newsgroup will be
> Oh so wildly impressed with the post-fests by me,
> And you can just bet that they all will agree
> That the poetry group was all me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeee!
> That's right, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me
> I'm the world's greatest poet -- I'm Will Dockery!
> And my posts here will live on as my legacy,
> With the record set straight to let posterity
> Know the man, myth, and legend folks came here to see…
> That's right, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
>
> "A Donkey considers his place in Linnaean classification:
>
> "Zod,
> I'm growing thick hair on my face, moobs and feet.
> Does that Monkey Pox know that I've been indiscreet?
> After years on the down low and hustling the street,
> I'm attracted to Cheetah and his brand of effete
> monkey business, swinging and hirsute heartbeat.
>
> As for tails, his is cute and the hos think its neat
>
> I can hang out of windows and never compete
> with them for the Johns since I now crave ape meat,
> the darker the better and those silverback treats(!)
> when we wrestle and spoon beneath North George's sheets.
>
>
> "I like Bonzo and Zippy and J. Fred Muggs, too
> And that Cocodesockmonkey – Woo-woo-woo-woo!
> I spank mine when I think of the things I could do
> If they gave me a cage in the Shadowville zoo.
> O to live in a zoo! All my dreams would come true!
> All my wet ones and dry ones and dreams when I poo
> (No, I'm not housebroken, but neither are you).
>
> "I am curious, George; you've sailed the seven seas
> (You've been 'round the world' and you've been on your knees)
> Did you ever do mandrills? Do howlers have fleas?
> Are baboons or gorillas more willing to please?
> Were you alpha or beta or… what's Greek for 'c's?
> Did they know their own strength when they gave you a squeeze?
> Did you mate in the grasses or up in the trees?
>
> "A Donkey is comfortable in his own body:
>
> "Zod,
> There's nothing can beat my lush DonkeyTits --
> they bow and they wave and they do a full splits,
> they get by on fat and not by using no wits,
> and you often have seen my other naughty bits,
> but my DonkeyTits are as good as it gits,
> and can even be served with butter and grits,
> or a light snack of tits tucked under arm pits,
> and I show them to strangers as my time permits,
> and they're great to include in an auto toolkit,
> and they're bigger than Pen's, even he will admit.
>
> "For my DonkeyTits are as big as can be
> And because I'm a Donkey, my tits can hang free,
> They flap in the wind, anybody can see
> My DonkeyTits even in mixed company.
> Sarah DonkeyTits claimed she was bigger than me
> So we both pulled 'em out one evening over tea,
> We measured each other's and Go-ol-ly Gee!
> I'm a DDD Donkey while she's just an E.
> Heck, I beat Dolly Parton, I'm sure you'll agree
> That my DonkeyTits give men fits… right, General Z?
> Just ask One-Drum Derundo and Henry Conlee
> When I shake 'em on stage doing karaoke
> The audience hollers "More DonkeyTitty!
>
> "A Donkey vacations at the CDC:
>
> "Zod,
> Monkey pox is now an STD
> and I think that you've recently given it to me
> as I have a strong urge to climb apple trees
> and take off my clothes and feel the cool breeze
> on my butt without these dirty dung-arees
> and I'll do Seven Labors like a fat Hercules
> or question and answer like Sam Socrates
> and visit North George at his house overseas
> in Canada where even in summer they freeze
> and a pox on you if you stop the Chinese
> from ordering my book translated Ibishese
> and it's selling at Walmart like ham and Swiss cheese
> but they don't know I've got this monkey disease.
> Will that hurt the sales of my poems, My Main Squeeze?
>
> "I've got monkey pox and it's toxic as hell,
> My Donkey-stench now has a terrible smell
> Of festering boils that spurt puss, as well
> As some genital scabbing that's best not to tell
> Of in social media platforms like this.
> Hey, Lady Bunny, don't look at me funny
> My schlong may be runny, but I'm still your honey,
> So, Bunny, don't shun me, I've still got some money
> And now that you've won me, come give me a kiss.
> Well, fuck you, too, drunk, I'll just fuck Jordy's Unc-
> le, who finds my carbuncle surpassingly cute.
> You toothless old skunk, you've a funk like a monk-
> ey, I'll let Isaac play a lick on my skin flute.
> But should Isaac prove busy, no need for a tizzy,
> George Dunce around, is he? He's good for a blow.
> He gets me all jizzy till my head gets dizzy
> And gee-whiz! he says that I'm hotter than Mo.
>
> "A Donkey sails the sea men:
>
> "Zod,
> 'Any number of people' have told me my futtocks
> remind them of people who exhibit a glut-ocks
> or have stringy hair like an urban-ish musk ox
> or a spare tire monster truck stuck in the boondocks
> and my eating is more of a super-sized family glut-tocks
> and my reading has always been defined as a smut-tocks
> but where else can I get in my nightly ho-nut walks
> than Columbus where there are so many stray mutt socks.
>
> "I'm a supersized Donkey, as fat as can be
> There was never a Donkey as chunky as me,
> I'm as big as a Mac truck and ho's ride for free
> As I trot down the long road to obscurity.
> My doc says I'm healthy, that obesity
> Is normal for Donkeys… genetics, you see…
> Just take Clay and Sarah, they're XL plus three.
> I hereby set forth for all posterity
> The grand, epic mythos of Willie Donkey;
> 'The Shadowville Dumptruck,' 'The World's Largest Flea'
> Are just some of the praises folks that A.A.P.C.
> Fans, and fellow poets, have come to agree
> Sum up the great Donkey quite admirably.
> And speaking of admirals, my sock-puppetry
> Has been known the world over since two-oh-oh-three;
> We shut down Georgia's Topix, me and General Z,
> Made an internet wasteland of alt R.A.P.
> And by great Pickle's ghost, I swear most solemnly
> To be last Donkey standing when Eternity
> Sounds out her last trumpet, indubitably
> I'll be Saint Peter's strumpet, to hump constantly
> Till my sins, expiated by butt-fuckery,
> Are forgiven, and Heaven calls 'Willie Donkey!'
>
> "Then like camels through needles, I'll breach Heaven's door
> And I'll stand before God like a two-dollar whore,
> I'll say 'Bring it on, Big Guy,' till my butt's so sore
> That I won't ever want to sit down anymore.
> "A Donkey gets sentimental:
>
> "Zod,
> Rochester says he's gonna buy my cherished home
> and you and I will have no place to roam.
> He'll get all my things like our bed and lice comb,
> and the dirt in the back that with water will foam
> with E. coli and ammonia and a dangerous zone
> that may give him herpes and Stockholm Syndrome,
> but for seven hundred bucks he can make this his own
> and replicate our canine XXY chromosomes
> and sell them to labs for a ZodWillZod palindrome
> and he'll get DirtNap Dave's toy -- that wrecked bumper chrome
> so how can I pay taxes on this sad honeycomb?
> Would NorthGeorge pay for another crap tome?
> "If I had me se'en hundred dollars and change
> I'd buy me the Donkery home on the range
> Where the queer and the mendicant play.
> And though it may seem strange
> I soon would arrange
> That the coffee be brewing all day.
>
> "But at this date, I haven't a cent to my name
> And I've not had a cot since the last time you came
> When you brought Dirty Mike as a third.
> We done shattered my bed
> When I's giving you head
> And Mike cut loose and squeezed out a turd.
>
> "And the stench was so bad, it took all that we had
> To refrain from discharging our lunch,
> But with turd number two, we both let go and threw
> Up all over the sheet till the turds
> Was all buried beneath like the pomes I bequeath
> To my kinfolk is buried in words.
>
> "Then we romped in the gunk like a Jordy in spunk
> Till our junk was as limp as three wrists,
> As we wallowed in spume, my poor cot went 'KABOOM!'
> So we blamed it on those feminists
> That the Russian guy claims are always to blame
> For Covid, Al-Qaeda, and Trump;
> But poor Dirty Mike got squashed flat as a bike
> Tire when he landed south of my rump.
>
> "Now my bed is in shreds and I'm losing my shed
> For back taxes I just cain't afford.
> And my nemesis, Jim, wants to run my place in
> With a backhoe truck put out by Ford.
> Left with no place to stay, I'll soon be on my way
> To go glamping by th'old Chattahootch;
> You'll be my glamp frau and you'll bark 'Bow-wow-wow!'
> While I make like I'm screwing the pooch.
>
> "And my family man-shed, dear Shay Donker-ay
> Will low fallow for many a year.
> The skunk grass will grow high and the cats will all die
> While I cry like a ho in my beer.
> I done sold Dirt Nap's truck and I don't give a fuck
> 'Bout the prices of tea in Japan;
> But before I lie dead, I just want an old shed
> Where a Donkey can feel like a man."
> -- Will Donkey, "The Shadowville Mythos: Ode to My Slurp-puppet"