The Ode book should be published next year. It will be epic, with hundreds of pages of poetry, photos, paintings, drawings, and maps.

On Saturday, October 1, 2022 at 8:23:40 PM UTC, NancyGene wrote:
> The Ode book should be published next year. It will be epic, with hundreds of pages of poetry, photos, paintings, drawings, and maps.
It will have the famous Dreckpon photo on the cover. We are considering selling t-shirts with the image.
https://imgur.com/gallery/i9cVxn6

NancyGene <nancygene.andjayme@gmail.com> wrote in
news:9699da53-7b18-4678-b789-8c54448a74ben@googlegroups.com:

> On Saturday, October 1, 2022 at 8:23:40 PM UTC, NancyGene wrote:
>> The Ode book should be published next year. It will be epic, with
>> hundreds of pages of poetry, photos, paintings, drawings, and maps.
> It will have the famous Dreckpon photo on the cover. We are
> considering selling t-shirts with the image.
> https://imgur.com/gallery/i9cVxn6

The back cover needs a picture of him performing Zorro in clown shoes.

--
"If the viewer doesn't read the language the film is in, that's why
subtitles are provided." - Will Dockery being his usual incoherent
self.

On Saturday, October 1, 2022 at 11:42:05 PM UTC, Cujo DeSockpuppet wrote:
> NancyGene <nancygene...@gmail.com> wrote in
> news:9699da53-7b18-4678...@googlegroups.com:
> > On Saturday, October 1, 2022 at 8:23:40 PM UTC, NancyGene wrote:
> >> The Ode book should be published next year. It will be epic, with
> >> hundreds of pages of poetry, photos, paintings, drawings, and maps.
> > It will have the famous Dreckpon photo on the cover. We are
> > considering selling t-shirts with the image.
> > https://imgur.com/gallery/i9cVxn6
> The back cover needs a picture of him performing Zorro in clown shoes.

Good suggestion. We will ask our videographer, Male Model Mallard, to do a screen grab of the video.

NancyGene <nancygene.andjayme@gmail.com> wrote in
news:470baa94-6ff5-4e21-b7e2-e3ffe57a5e3fn@googlegroups.com:

> On Saturday, October 1, 2022 at 11:42:05 PM UTC, Cujo DeSockpuppet
> wrote:
>> NancyGene <nancygene...@gmail.com> wrote in
>> news:9699da53-7b18-4678...@googlegroups.com:
>> > On Saturday, October 1, 2022 at 8:23:40 PM UTC, NancyGene wrote:
>> >> The Ode book should be published next year. It will be epic, with
>> >> hundreds of pages of poetry, photos, paintings, drawings, and
>> >> maps.
>> > It will have the famous Dreckpon photo on the cover. We are
>> > considering selling t-shirts with the image.
>> > https://imgur.com/gallery/i9cVxn6
>> The back cover needs a picture of him performing Zorro in clown
>> shoes.
>
> Good suggestion. We will ask our videographer, Male Model Mallard, to
> do a screen grab of the video.

There's always the one where a short-heeled Columbus bimbo spears his
nads over a martini glass or him and Kluckweasel in S&M gear.

--
"If the viewer doesn't read the language the film is in, that's why
subtitles are provided." - Will Dockery being his usual incoherent
self.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

On Tuesday, October 18, 2022 at 9:32:33 AM UTC-4, NancyGene wrote:
> "Ode need new verse," Draculetta.

Tomorrow.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

A Donkey considers his DNA results:

Zod,
You know my Ma was a tough old bird.
On Thanksgiving Day she would fake having GERD,
then straddle the turkey and scream out curse words
about me and Dave, and the rest was just slurred
on dogs and love and what had occurred
when she found the Great Dane had gone, been transferred
to an animal shelter, on which he concurred,
since living with her had produced a poor herd
of mongrel male mutants (Dave was the third),
but she did not want us and that was absurd,
since our ears and tails were long and ensured
that Great Dane dad’s genes would be the preferred
look for the Donkeys unless men were lured
to stand in for canines, but all have demurred.

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART THREE

"A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

"A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

"A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

"A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

"Donkey enters musth

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

"A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

"A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

"A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

"A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

On Wednesday, December 28, 2022 at 2:51:19 PM UTC-5, NancyGene wrote:
> On Wednesday, December 28, 2022 at 7:19:16 PM UTC, michaelmalef...@gmail.com wrote:
> > THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
> > PART THREE
> >
> >
> > "A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Wiggle Wiggle
> > I rap and wiggle, wiggle
> > I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
> > It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
> > And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
> > So what if people sniggle, sniggle
> > At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
> > I love to niggle, niggle.
> >
> > "I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
> > I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
> > He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
> > And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
> > An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
> > Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
> > I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
> > But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
> > Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.
> >
> > "A Donkey knows pond scum:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know that Henry David Theroux
> > was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
> > and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
> > and they said good night just like us and the hos,
> > and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
> > but their farm could grew their very own blow,
> > and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
> > and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
> > and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.
> >
> > "More than Theroux, when I began
> > My poet's career, it was my plan
> > To write like Popeye the sailor man
> > And eats all me spinaches from a can.
> > I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.
> >
> > "I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
> > 'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
> > An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
> > All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
> > That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
> > 'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.
> >
> > "A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
> > I learned that this year while playing with blocks
> > though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
> > so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
> > but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
> > and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
> > did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
> > whose choice of mates is unorthodox
> > and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
> > Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
> > but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
> > and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.
> >
> > "A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.
> >
> > "Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
> > So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
> > For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
> > And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
> > We had no running water, but that was okay,
> > I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
> > We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
> > Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
> > But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
> > And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
> > At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
> > While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
> > That I lived a darn good life back in the day.
> >
> > "Donkey enters musth
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm going through my monthly musth
> > when I have to bang either balls or bust
> > or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
> > but you always like my increased lust
> > when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
> > and even the grannies who are covered with dust
> > know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
> > and you'll recall that apple pie crust
> > when I went wild and ate and cussed
> > because I knew I'd soon combust
> > and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
> > at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.
> >
> > "This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
> > What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
> > I stick it in places where it don't belong
> > Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
> > But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
> > And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.
> >
> > "Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
> > And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
> > When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
> > But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
> > Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
> > And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
> > Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
> > Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
> > But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
> > When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
> > So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
> > The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
> > And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.
> >
> > "A Donkey drop kicks names:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
> > and that certainly set a very high bar
> > which I easily reached in becoming a star.
> > I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
> > beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
> > and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
> > but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
> > We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
> > and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
> > and every single Christmas they sent caviar
> > and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.
> >
> > "You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
> > It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
> > We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
> > Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
> > And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
> > We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
> > All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
> > Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
> > Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."
> >
> > "A Donkey practices planned parenthood:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
> > People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
> > Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
> > and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
> > I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
> > and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
> > and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
> > but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.
> >
> > "I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
> > An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
> > But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
> > Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
> > I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
> > If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
> > Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
> > (Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
> > I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.
> >
> > "A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm having a cookout on July the Four
> > I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
> > who service the needy like me who can't score
> > but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
> > of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
> > until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
> > and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
> > and you can raise up the bum semaphore
> > just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
> > and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
> > but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
> > so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
> > of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
> > but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
> > on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
> > and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.
> >
> > "I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
> > I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
> > An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
> > Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
> > Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
> > I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.
> >
> > "I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
> > I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
> > On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
> > But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
> > An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
> > An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
> > Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
> > An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load
> >
> > "Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
> > An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
> > Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
> > That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.
> >
> > "A Donkey is captured for posterity:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
> > We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
> > Let's not include the custom handcuffs
> > but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
> > and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
> > diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
> > on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
> > who love me all day and then leave in a huff
> > 'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
> > so I'm asking you to get off your duff
> > and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
> > just me and my bod and that should be enough
> > for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.
> >
> > "I want you to body paint me when you're done
> > You can paint daisies on me, it should be such fun
> > I make a broad canvas -- I weigh half a ton --
> > You can paint the grand canyon on just my left bun;
> > Polka dots on my man-boobs, big pink and green ones
> > And if you find my wiener, paint it like a gun.
> > I'll look like a tattooed man, I'm telling you, hon
> > And when you finish me, you can paint on my son.
> >
> > "Donkey designs his world:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'd like to pretend that I am a house.
> > You can paint me bright colors and act as my spouse.
> > The blue tarp you stole didn't keep out the louse
> > that's now my pet vermin along with my mouse,
> > and thanks for finding this pink ruffled blouse
> > that I wear in the shack while you liberally douse
> > me with love juice and pull off my baggy old trows
> > and art fills us both like we're stars at Bauhaus.
> >
> > "Or maybe I'll pretend that I am a boat
> > I've got lots of blubber to keep me afloat,
> > I need to get shipshape, so give me a coat
> > Of fresh paint to cover my flab and my bloat,
> > And maybe some blue stars to highlight my scrot.
> > I'm an impressive vessel, pardon if I gloat
> > But Horatio Hornblower surely would dote
> > On my riggings and mainsails -- and this you can quote
> > I would blow that man's horn like my name was 'Deep Throat.'
> >
> > "A Donkey pines for Manolos:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Do you know any shoes that will fit on my feet?
> > I have hoofs for feet, which the hos think is neat
> > but nailing shoes on is hard on the street
> > and you know that I walk 20 miles just to eat
> > so pulling shoes on would make a fine treat
> > and wearing real shoes could get me dark meat
> > which has a strange texture, not tart and not sweet.
> > If you find me high heels, I'll be indiscrete
> > with you and DirtMike in the crew cab backseat,
> > and hoofs don't feel good on the hot, cracked concrete
> > but I'd wear stilettos in a Durundo drumbeat
> > and I'd hee and I'd haw and I'd bleat, Mon Petite.
> >
> > "Now a donkey in heels is a marvelous sight
> > I like how it feels, it increases my height;
> > All the boys at LeGents shout "You go, girl! Alright!"
> > While the AAPC trolls just laugh out of spite.
> >
> > "But the fashionable donkeys who want to impress
> > Wouldn't dream of Manolos without a new dress,
> > A new, bright blue moomoo, I have to confess
> > Would be too, too, très froufrou, I'd have such finesse
> > That all the LeGents gents would call me Princess.
> >
> > "A Donkey builds a time machine:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I think I'm living in 2092.
> > Sorry, but you'll croak in 2022
> > and poems are mailing me out of the blue --
> > how they have my address, I haven't a clue --
> > and each time I typed, my nose twitched and grew.
> > I can't even see when I start with my spew.
> > I make 1000 typos and each is brand new.
> > I sure hope you hurry so you can push through
> > 30 posts to take the heat off me, whew!
> > I only have John Dunne and they have a slew
> > of things like Ed Poland, and Woody won't do
> > 'cause Rochester looks like a god and I knew
> > that my comebacks were starting to gather mildew,
> > and I'm crying with shame and can't bum a tissue,
> > so I'm looking for Pickles, that Wandering Jew,
> > to save me from trolls, and he's long overdue.
> >
> > "The future's like everything H.G. Wells said
> > It would be, but sadly, I'm still better off dead --
> > In a George Jetson world, I still live in a shed.
> > I've got tapeworms and chiggers and lice on my head
> > I've got rats in my cupboard, and fleas in my bed
> > And they've all got computers and spaceships of red
> > And make noises like Pac-Man and call me inbred
> > And George's boy, Elroy, said that I'm a ped-
> > ophile, and I must admit that I've not read
> > Much about such things but he's got more than a shred
> > Of DNA evidence and so I've pled
> > For mercy -- but got thrown in prison instead.
> >
> > "A Donkey never won no stinkin’ spellin bee
> >
> > "Zod,
> > How do you spel the first name William?
> > I print 4 letters and then I'm, umm?
> > I also want to know how to spel scrotum.
> > Asking for a friend with unearned income.
> > Derundo is to blame for trying to drum
> > some music into me but I can’t spel rhythm.
> > HandySandy asked if I liked her gums
> > but she used her hands and has a green thumb
> > from sticking it into an apple tree plum,
> > which is rare but grow in Columbus' slums
> > where I live in my shack with my bro and my mum
> > but now they done died and I eat old breadcrumbs
> > and watch and wait 'til the mailman comes
> > and I make out the letters WILL IS DUMB.
> >
> > "It's a liddle known fack that we Donkeys cain't spel
> > But we tries anyways thoe are werds, sad to tel
> > Look like sumphin the cat throwed up on are lapel;
> > Stil we calls 'em 'po-tree,' and claims they look swel.
> > They's sum peeples tink that are po-trees smel,
> > But they's all jest trols, and I knows verry wel
> > That every last one of them's jellice as Hel.
> >
> > "A Donkey seeks definition in his life:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > What does it mean to apostrophe?
> > Does that mean getting all of your meals for free?
> > Or wearing your pants with a string of G?
> > Or sacrificing quality for quantity?
> > Or living your life squalidly?
> > Or spending each day dishonestly?
> > Or really needing optometry?
> > Or mistakes increasing geometrically?
> > Or drinking coffee for impotency?
> > Or needing to watch pornography?
> > Or knowing my art's an atrocity?
> > Or living with you conjugally?
> > Or having a roof with porosity?
> > Or knowing I'm a lump of mediocrity?
> > Please tell me so I can post more on AAPC.
> >
> > "What is this thing called 'apostrophe'?
> > Is it big as a bread box or small as a flea?
> > Does one drink it with Ripple, or coffee, or tea?
> > If you show it in public, do girls come to see?
> > Is it worth anything -- have you got one for me?
> > Will it help me to win a stinkin' spelling bee?
> > Let's see: 'A-P-O-S-T-R-O-W-FEE.'
> > I'm not wrong! Look it up! You're just picking on me!
> >
> > "A Donkey roots around:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I did DNA testing and I'm not my Pa's son.
> > I'm part donkey, poodle and Pomeranian.
> > No wonder Ma built us that chain-link dog run
> > to roll in and dig holes and play fetch for fun.
> > I had my tail chopped when I turned twenty-one --
> > Ma said I was like a canine John Donne --
> > but I'd wag it and lift it when I'd see someone
> > I liked but humping people's legs just wasn't done
> > in polite society and that taught me a lesson
> > to pay for my pleasure or go to prison,
> > and then I found you and you liked Alpo Sun,
> > which wasn't steak but tasty on a hamburger bun.
> >
> > "I'm top dog among poets, Columbus' bard
> > I shit in a hole I dug in the back yard,
> > Not my yard, if I'd shat there, I'd have been tarred
> > And my Pa could wield a switch powerful hard.
> >
> > "I got me a Perky as all here should know
> > Who cares if some Pekingese won best in show,
> > I bow-wow-wow wowed them by singing 'Zorro'
> > Then traded my trophy to some truck stop ho.
> >
> > "My Ma was the bitch all the other dogs boned
> > And I was the runt that bitch flat-out disowned,
> > I'd wag my tail at her, but she only groaned
> > 'You wouldn't be here if I hadn't got stoned.'
> >
> > "I'm going for a walk 'long the old Chattahooch
> > To see if there's any food scraps I can mooch,
> > The folks there say I am their favorite pooch
> > And LoHo the ho lets me mooch for some cooch.
> >
> > "But I'm still a donkey, and not some old stray
> > And I wrotes me some poems I'm wanting to bray,
> > Please hold all your giggling because I'm not gay
> > You can jack on my ass, but you're going to pay.
> >
> > "A Donkey schools himself:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I miss all my years in 11th grade --
> > of drinking and drugging and getting laid,
> > though my partners expected that they would get paid
> > but I stiffed them and you said that was very well played
> > and you know at that time I only weighed
> > 100 pounds and my afro made
> > me look like a pencil with an exploded lampshade
> > on my head but that helped when police'd stage a raid
> > and I'd stick my tabs in my hair pomade
> > with my poems, a beer and a battered trade
> > paperback of 'Southern Poets and Black Handmaids'
> > and from Barfly and Zu-Bolted I earned accolades
> > and I was sorry after 10 years when I had to bade
> > farewell to Carver but I was unafraid
> > because I would gift the world with a Donkey Serenade.
> >
> > "There's a stench in the air
> > And I swear that it's not me
> > Though I am aware
> > There's a stench in the air.
> >
> > "So I'll sing like a fool
> > Till you're sure I've not farted
> > And that I am cool
> > For a fat, drooling mule.
> >
> > "Amigo mio, do I not have a manly bray?
> > 'Just like a jackass' is what all of the people say.
> > But they are all just jealous.
> > Thank God that they can't smell us.
> > They'd like to be like me, they sniff at my posts all day.
> >
> > "But try as they may, they are destined to fall
> > 'Cause no one can bray quite like me… HEE-EEE-HAW!
> > Zod, my sweet, a Donkey's seat is not petite
> > So come and beat it, it's a treat but please don't eat it
> > I'm a great Donkey!
> >
> > "I can give you a ride
> > While we play Hide the Sausage,
> > Have you ever tried
> > A jackass for your bride?
> >
> > "We can busk on our way
> > To the old Chattahoochee,
> > Everyone will pay
> > Just to hear when I bray.
> >
> > "Amigo mio, are they listening to my song?
> > I hear them booing, how can so many be so wrong?
> > Now someone's chanting 'Zorro!'
> > Oh no, I hear 'The horror!'
> > They must be jealous 'cause my voice is so big and strong.
> >
> > "I bray like a bird, but they all say I spew,
> > And all that I hear for applause… is 'PEE-YOU!'
> > Zod, my man, my only fan, we've got to make them understand
> > That I'm the greatest in the land, King of AAPC!
> >
> > "A Donkey drools and pants:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > You've been in my pants, what size do I wear?
> > Could 32x32 bust out a chair?
> > Have you ever seen me completely bare?
> > My bottom is covered with thick monkey hair
> > that flows past my tail with a donkey swish flair.
> > I would get those Levi's if Goodwill could spare
> > something that fit me and the alarm didn't blare
> > when I stuffed them in my shirt and I was taken somewhere
> > dirty and nasty where I told them, I swear,
> > that I didn't steal them and that I was a millionaire,
> > but I care a lot about my outerwear --
> > my one pair of pants is easy care
> > since I don't take them off and they clean open air.
> > That Rochester's got nerve, dressing debonair,
> > and like lower numbers will get him anywhere
> > with the ladies, who all love men shaped like a bear.
> >
> > "My trousers were once worn by Haystacks Calhoun
> > And my moob shirt belonged to Gorilla Monsoon
> > (I can't button it, but it makes the girls swoon).
> > Folks say that I'm built like a hot air balloon,
> > I may not be buffed but I am a buffoon,
> > I'm smart as a whip and I knows what I'm doin'
> > I make like a singer to get me some poon
> > Though I am unable to carry a tune
> > I grunt my way through a drunken baboon.
> > Rochester is swanky, but I'm more roughhewn,
> > A hillbilly boy with a face like a prune
> > I'm older than dirt but folks call me 'jejune'
> > I bow down to thank them, but shoot them the moon.
> >
> > "A Donkey under the influence:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I wanted to name Clay for my idol Buk
> > Because Kathy said they both made her puke
> > I was forced to give her a strong rebuke
> > when she said Buk's writing was gobbledygook
> > with a slap 'cross her jaw which got her spooked
> > and she ran away with that Mexican kook
> > and I moped around like a dead chinook
> > but I still had girlfriends and that was no fluke
> > so how can Pen want to burn and nuke
> > Bukowski's great poems and classic books?
> >
> > "Yeah, I learned from the best, Buk has earned his renown,
> > I'm the biggest jackass in the bad part of town,
> > Who cares if I can't tell a verb from a noun?
> > Like Wile E. Coyote, I'm a crazy clown,
> > I drinks so much likker, most folks thinks I'll drown
> > My shit's mean and green, it don't never be brown!
> > My old lady know'd not to give me no frown,
> > I knocked that bitch up, then I slapped her ass down
> > It's too bad she's planted six feet undergroun'
> > Pen makes me so mad I need something to poun'!
> >
> > "A Donkey relocates his Empire
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm planning a move to NY to be near
> > Pen and Edward and then they can hear
> > me sing and poet and they won't dare sneer
> > at my talent and form and large, shapely rear
> > and hoofs hot to trot in city footgear.
> > I'll be a big hit as a smooth balladeer
> > and might even take in some fluffy premieres
> > of major porn flicks and then get a pap smear.
> > I'll perform on Broadway in less than a year,
> > and Pen and Edward can no longer smear
> > my outstanding skill as a writing pioneer
> > of Southern poems from Columbus' Shakespeare,
> > and you'll move there too as my venue cashier
> > and in a NY minute, all our worries disappear.
> >
> > "Ol' Blue Eyes said I'll make it there
> > Because I've made it anywhere…
> > Well, almost made it, to be fair,
> > I headlined at Doo-Nanny, I swear!
> > As donkeys go, I'm debonaire,
> > I've got that equine savoir faire,
> > And when I make my nostrils flare
> > The ladies act just like a mare
> > In heat -- so gentlemen, take care
> > They can't resist my frizzy hair
> > They squee and toss their.underwear
> > And want to squeeze the sexy spare
> > Tire atop my derriere.
> >
> > "A Donkey Bible thumps:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > You know the phrase, 'Whither Thou Goest?'
> > It actually means that my lawn you will mow-est
> > and after that's done, me you will blow-est
> > because I can't pay even the cheapest ho-est
> > and there are bills, child support and taxes I owe-est.
> > What else can you do to make me some dough-est?
> > Dirty Mike is by the river playing his banjo-est,
> > luring you down to where the water flow-est,
> > but let's pretend we are row, row, row-est,
> > then feast on some rats and we'll up, up, throw-est.
> >
> > "I wrote filler for fish wrap for twenty-odd years
> > But fish wrap's ephemeral -- my crap disappears
> > To languish in landfills in spite of my tears…
> > Hey Ilya, let's jack off to Britney Spears.
> >
> > "My column was titled 'The Magic Store'
> > It had something to do with the Mystery Tour
> > That inspired Charles Manson and family for sure
> > To go knocking on Doris Day's son's former door.
> >
> > "It opened with quotes from books I haven't read
> > But pulled from my internet searches instead,
> > They'd nothing to do with my column, that said,
> > They showed the enormity of my fat head.
> >
> > "But fish wrap's forgotten, my columns have gone
> > The way of the Edsel, but my verse lives on
> > At AAPC where I post round the clock
> > In hopes a sock puppet will slurp on my cock.
> >
> > "A Donkey recapitulates:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I can't help it but I repeat, repeat, repeat
> > repeat, repeat, repeat and mistreat
> > the English language and I am a cheat
> > 'cause I know 50 words and count with my feet.
> > I learn nothing new because I start to bleat
> > anytime anyone asks me to complete
> > a sentence or book or work time sheet.
> > I do know how to eat, eat, eat,
> > but Dave's check was sure a monthly treat
> > and dirt nap means he has no heartbeat
> > even though he was propped in the old loveseat
> > for a few months with Ma in the South's Summer heat
> > so I asked Sarah to GoFundMe so I could retreat
> > from making money through walking the streets,
> > and she'll repeat, repeat, repeat while I meet
> > the demands of Usenet day, night and Tweet
> > my greatness in writing about eating dark meat,
> > which has a different texture and is bushy and sweet,
> > then I go in the backyard and excrete, excrete, excrete,
> > hair balls and chicken bones and swallowed gametes.
> >
> > "I don't know much words, and folks claims them is wrong
> > But no one complains when I'm braying a song
> > Three a.m. at LeGents I just whips out my schlong
> > An' those what ain't passed out can all sing along.
> >
> > "I burnt Dave for kindling, and scattered his ash
> > Costs less than cremating and I ain't gots cash,
> > I tried to sell pictures, but folks called me 'trash,'
> > And wished that my pecker'd develop a rash.
> >
> > "And so I just sits and repeats and repeats,
> > I'd starve if my daughter didn't have donkey-teats
> > Or sell 'feelsies' to strangers she meets on the streets.
> > It sucks… but a Donkey has got to have eats.
> >
> > "A Donkey dreams of the Pulitzer Prize:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > My newspaper column earned me a press pass.
> > I attended the shows and I reached up my ass
> > to get quotes from Shakespeare and all the low class
> > people I knew so that I could surpass
> > the NY Times in my column though I wrote it on grass,
> > and there wasn't much writing, just copy and fats.
> > When the paper was sold, we were fired en masse,
> > and no one wanted me to write for them as
> > they knew what I wrote was intestinal gas,
> > so now I eat an occasional bass
> > that you catch from the Hooch in a net of crabgrass,
> > and I've nowhere to write crass but AAPC, alas.
> >
> > "Yeah, back in the day, I had ten thousand fans
> > And they all read my poems and said I'm Da Man,
> > Then they brought home their fishes and fried them in pans
> > Tossed my column and poem in their garbage cans.
> >
> > "Still one must admit I was a household name
> > At least in the kitchens where I gained my fame
> > Glimpsed through fish scales and entrails I found my acclaim
> > As 'the fish wrap guy, Willie,' -- we're one and the same.
> >
> > "I was 'fish wrap guy, Willie,' housewives all agree
> > There was never a fishier fella than me,
> > I've got fisheyes, I'm whale size, and folks could all see
> > The big fish in the small pond was Will Dockery!
> >
> > "But all good things they say have to come to an end
> > And although I'm forgotten, I still can pretend
> > That I'm a still celebrity like way back when
> > And know, like the 'deep South,' I shall rise once again!
> >
> > "A Donkey dreams of the Green Eyeshade Award:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Everything in this town smells bad like fish.
> > My hair, my clothes, my current ho bitch.
> > I think it's left over from my column on which
> > people put fish bones and threw them in a ditch;
> > I never do that but I step on turds -- squish --
> > but my writing is great, according to Ibish,
> > and he knows just how to scratch an itch.
> > He'll get me a column that will greatly enrich
> > you, me and him and together we'll defeat that femi-niche.
> >
> > "Ah! The smells of Columbus! My Shitholeville home
> > Oh town that inspired my poetry tome!
> > Oh town where a man doesn't need pheromone
> > For Gay Clay to suck him like trailer hitch chrome.
> > Columbus! Columbus! Your fish-fragrant air
> > Is sweeter to me than a pig's derriere,
> > Folks say you're a stink hole, I say 'Au contraire'
> > The scent of our air is, well, beyond compare.
> > We've got armpits and buttholes and pissbums to spare
> > And we shit on our lawns like we don't have a care,
> > But our steel mill shut down and we haven't a spare
> > So our air's just as fresh as the air anywhere.
> >
> > "A Donkey mourns in his own way:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Ma has been haunting me in our ramshackle house.
> > She looks like a Great Dane who hooked up with a louse,
> > and her dried up old boobs are hanging out of her blouse
> > like Sarah DonkeyTits, but Sarah has to douse
> > her clothing with water to get money thereabouts,
> > and she learned that from Ma, who also now flouts
> > DirtNap Dave in the garden as he has started to sprout
> > scales and a tail very close to a trout
> > but he has stiff bristles and a short little snout,
> > and Ma charges to see him on the Columbus tourist route,
> > but I really miss her check, 'cause I'm totally cleaned out,
> > living on nothing and waiting for the talent scout
> > to discover me, and Dylan and me would hang out,
> > but Ma needs to stop her moans and her shouts.
> > Rochester, please send fifty for 3 at the steakhouse!
> >
> > "I'm missing my meals since DirtNap bought the farm
> > And my rumbly tummy's a real cause for alarm;
> > I tried 'busking' on Broad Street, but I've lost my charm
> > For the five-dollar johns who'd want me on their arm.
> >
> > "Sarah DonkeyTits told me my moobs are too large
> > But if I wore a bra, I'd be able to charge
> > Kids and pissbums for peeps. Or wear pasties in bars
> > But G-strings won't cover butts big as a barge.
> >
> > "So DonkeyTits started a 'Go Fund Me' scam
> > For a G-string that fits men as big as I am,
> > But try as I might, it's so hard to go glam
> > When your butt is an eight-hundred pound can of Spam.
> >
> > "Sarah DonkeyTits told me she thinks NancyGene
> > Who made up the name 'DonkeyTits' is awfully mean,
> > But her boobs are balloons, people think it's obscene
> > When she flaunts them in public just like an old queen.
> >
> > "A Donkey considers sacrificing a body part:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > If a zombie ate my brain, he'd get Prion Disease --
> > of course I'd do my best to run or just appease
> > a zombie but I don't need no brains as long as I sport these
> > giant moobs that a great big hive of hungry honey bees
> > can't resist when I do my outdoors striptease,
> > but brains are overrated since I drink my antifreeze,
> > and Barfly always said that he sho-nuf guarantees
> > my IQ will go up to the low to mid 70s
> > if I drink a jug of Prestone with a side of cottage cheese,
> > and he always said that kindly when I was on my knees,
> > but my brain's been on decline -- what are the ABCs?
> > So, if I was attacked behind the rotting apple trees,
> > they could take a great big bite, those LeGents walking zombies.
> >
> > "Someone did eat my brain, Thursday night at LeGents
> > It sounds crazy, I know, but it's hard to dispense
> > With the all-too-clear fact that I lack common sense;
> > How my head now feels hollow where once it was dense;
> > How I woke up on Friday to find thirty cents
> > Jingling round in my skull as if to recompense
> > Me for gray matter gobbled up at my expense.
> > As bad as this sounds, I've got no apprehens-
> > ion as to my survival, although the suspense
> > Would drive lesser men batty, but my comprehens-
> > ion was always quite poor that it hardly needs ment-
> > ion, for now I'm a shoe-in for government pension
> > -- My SSI stipend is bound to commence
> > Any day now, and so I say with no pretense
> > That my brain may be gone, but my hair's still immense.
> >
> > "A Donkey admits guilt:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I confess that I stole your new pink ear buds,
> > stuck them up my ass -- I thought it said rear buds --
> > and I hear the gurgling of my guts and bad blood.
> > When I take them out, there's a spill of milky duds,
> > and I guess if I bathed there’d be a few soap suds.
> > But now the ear buds are covered with my crud,
> > which is talented too and can play local clubs,
> > and cover my songs that you'd hear through ear buds
> > if I were to give them back and stop chewing on my cud.
> >
> > "Hey! Hands off those milk duds, they're mine, don't you know
> > They ain't no damn Skittles, they're homegrown cocoa,
> > I pooped me a pile, just look at it grow!
> > If I had me a hopper, it would overflow.
> > I'm a cornhole of plenty, a copia Joe,
> > I'm a spunk-monkey Donkey who'll do you for blow,
> > A real dung-hole delivery boy, always gung-ho
> > To try anything new, and I say apropos
> > Of the topic at hand that I ain't no Jim Crow
> > 'Cause there's no poon like coon poon -- it's my risotto!
> > Well I've traveled this world from Tyrone to Cairo
> > Both of which are in Georgia (not so far to go)
> > For a world-trotting Donkey who's hard up for dough,
> > And I seen everything, I'm a reg'lar Theroux
> > So if I tell you something, you know that it's so.
> > But back to my mild duds, you ain't passing 'Go,'
> > Coprophagic pissbum! I'll stomp on your toe
> > Or fracture your skull with my mobile gizmo,
> > You'll be sleeping with DirtNap instead of LoHo…
> > While Dirty Mike strums his… excuse me… 'banjo.'
> >
> > "A Donkey reaches for literary heights:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Pen's putting our adventures in a glossy new book,
> > and 5,000 lines is what it done took
> > to record all my triumphs, friends and yearbooks.
> > We're like Hornblower, Columbus and old Captain Hook,
> > who was real, said Dan Barfly, and frequently shook
> > Peter Pan and Jordy's Uncle from their light loafers nook.
> > Pen will even add in when we snacked on then cooked
> > hos for dinner and lunch when they called us old shnooks,
> > and you whipped out your dork and nobody looked,
> > and remember the Phophet's wives' bras you unhooked?
> >
> > "It beat 'Betty's Hat' -- it beat 'Penny's Hat,' too
> > And it beat 'Batty's Hat' (PJR, nuts to you!)
> > It'll make me real famous -- a real big 'to do'
> > So let's get out a raise a real hullaballoo!
> > We'll bump it and slurp it, and crow 'bout our coup,
> > Praise it to the skies, raise a big ballyhoo!
> > We'll out our guts, shout 'Callay!' and 'Callooh!'
> > While Dirty Mike blows a tune on his kazoo,
> > And LoHo and Missy can dance hoochie coo.
> >
> > "Then I'll win a Pulitzer like Bobby D.
> > And Rachel can get a fixation on me --
> > We'll breed fat, happy Donkeys… perhaps twenty-three
> > And live in a shed with no 'lectricity.
> > Poor ol' Dirt Nap Dave would be jealous to see
> > All my fortune and fame and the new SUV
> > That I buy with residuals from my poetry.
> >
> > " "A Donkey suffers from Topitis:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > When Pen posts a new UPDATE: SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS (part III),
> > I need to post one too and it makes me want to pee,
> > although I always like to write only about me,
> > but the Update that Pen posts is true, I agree,
> > but does he have to write it with that clever NG,
> > who knows my secrets and cries whoopee
> > when she posts my arrests and the jail house decrees,
> > not to mention my drugs and my plagiarism sprees,
> > where I borrowed from poets since they were copyright free,
> > and my mistakes autocorrected in the phone key of B,
> > but the issues you bring up sure are weighty
> > like 'one of your best' and that you've read it plenty.
> > I'd write something else, but don't know what that would be
> > No one is as great as I am guaranteed,
> > and my Shadowville Mythos is at the top, thanks to thee.
> >
> > "I'm the most famous poet at AAPC;
> > My threads have the most posts as all here can see
> > (So what if they're all just the General and me
> > Saying 'Thanks for the nod' and 'Hello' to Jordy?).
> > We post round the clock, pretty much constantly,
> > But we've plenty of time and our time is all free
> > So we slurp and reslurp to bump my poetry.
> > Years from now, people surfing this newsgroup will be
> > Oh so wildly impressed with the post-fests by me,
> > And you can just bet that they all will agree
> > That the poetry group was all me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeee!
> > That's right, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me
> > I'm the world's greatest poet -- I'm Will Dockery!
> > And my posts here will live on as my legacy,
> > With the record set straight to let posterity
> > Know the man, myth, and legend folks came here to see…
> > That's right, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
> >
> > "A Donkey considers his place in Linnaean classification:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm growing thick hair on my face, moobs and feet.
> > Does that Monkey Pox know that I've been indiscreet?
> > After years on the down low and hustling the street,
> > I'm attracted to Cheetah and his brand of effete
> > monkey business, swinging and hirsute heartbeat.
> >
> > As for tails, his is cute and the hos think its neat
> >
> > I can hang out of windows and never compete
> > with them for the Johns since I now crave ape meat,
> > the darker the better and those silverback treats(!)
> > when we wrestle and spoon beneath North George's sheets.
> >
> >
> > "I like Bonzo and Zippy and J. Fred Muggs, too
> > And that Cocodesockmonkey – Woo-woo-woo-woo!
> > I spank mine when I think of the things I could do
> > If they gave me a cage in the Shadowville zoo.
> > O to live in a zoo! All my dreams would come true!
> > All my wet ones and dry ones and dreams when I poo
> > (No, I'm not housebroken, but neither are you).
> >
> > "I am curious, George; you've sailed the seven seas
> > (You've been 'round the world' and you've been on your knees)
> > Did you ever do mandrills? Do howlers have fleas?
> > Are baboons or gorillas more willing to please?
> > Were you alpha or beta or… what's Greek for 'c's?
> > Did they know their own strength when they gave you a squeeze?
> > Did you mate in the grasses or up in the trees?
> >
> > "A Donkey is comfortable in his own body:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > There's nothing can beat my lush DonkeyTits --
> > they bow and they wave and they do a full splits,
> > they get by on fat and not by using no wits,
> > and you often have seen my other naughty bits,
> > but my DonkeyTits are as good as it gits,
> > and can even be served with butter and grits,
> > or a light snack of tits tucked under arm pits,
> > and I show them to strangers as my time permits,
> > and they're great to include in an auto toolkit,
> > and they're bigger than Pen's, even he will admit.
> >
> > "For my DonkeyTits are as big as can be
> > And because I'm a Donkey, my tits can hang free,
> > They flap in the wind, anybody can see
> > My DonkeyTits even in mixed company.
> > Sarah DonkeyTits claimed she was bigger than me
> > So we both pulled 'em out one evening over tea,
> > We measured each other's and Go-ol-ly Gee!
> > I'm a DDD Donkey while she's just an E.
> > Heck, I beat Dolly Parton, I'm sure you'll agree
> > That my DonkeyTits give men fits… right, General Z?
> > Just ask One-Drum Derundo and Henry Conlee
> > When I shake 'em on stage doing karaoke
> > The audience hollers "More DonkeyTitty!
> >
> > "A Donkey vacations at the CDC:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Monkey pox is now an STD
> > and I think that you've recently given it to me
> > as I have a strong urge to climb apple trees
> > and take off my clothes and feel the cool breeze
> > on my butt without these dirty dung-arees
> > and I'll do Seven Labors like a fat Hercules
> > or question and answer like Sam Socrates
> > and visit North George at his house overseas
> > in Canada where even in summer they freeze
> > and a pox on you if you stop the Chinese
> > from ordering my book translated Ibishese
> > and it's selling at Walmart like ham and Swiss cheese
> > but they don't know I've got this monkey disease.
> > Will that hurt the sales of my poems, My Main Squeeze?
> >
> > "I've got monkey pox and it's toxic as hell,
> > My Donkey-stench now has a terrible smell
> > Of festering boils that spurt puss, as well
> > As some genital scabbing that's best not to tell
> > Of in social media platforms like this.
> > Hey, Lady Bunny, don't look at me funny
> > My schlong may be runny, but I'm still your honey,
> > So, Bunny, don't shun me, I've still got some money
> > And now that you've won me, come give me a kiss.
> > Well, fuck you, too, drunk, I'll just fuck Jordy's Unc-
> > le, who finds my carbuncle surpassingly cute.
> > You toothless old skunk, you've a funk like a monk-
> > ey, I'll let Isaac play a lick on my skin flute.
> > But should Isaac prove busy, no need for a tizzy,
> > George Dunce around, is he? He's good for a blow.
> > He gets me all jizzy till my head gets dizzy
> > And gee-whiz! he says that I'm hotter than Mo.
> >
> > "A Donkey sails the sea men:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > 'Any number of people' have told me my futtocks
> > remind them of people who exhibit a glut-ocks
> > or have stringy hair like an urban-ish musk ox
> > or a spare tire monster truck stuck in the boondocks
> > and my eating is more of a super-sized family glut-tocks
> > and my reading has always been defined as a smut-tocks
> > but where else can I get in my nightly ho-nut walks
> > than Columbus where there are so many stray mutt socks.
> >
> > "I'm a supersized Donkey, as fat as can be
> > There was never a Donkey as chunky as me,
> > I'm as big as a Mac truck and ho's ride for free
> > As I trot down the long road to obscurity.
> > My doc says I'm healthy, that obesity
> > Is normal for Donkeys… genetics, you see…
> > Just take Clay and Sarah, they're XL plus three.
> > I hereby set forth for all posterity
> > The grand, epic mythos of Willie Donkey;
> > 'The Shadowville Dumptruck,' 'The World's Largest Flea'
> > Are just some of the praises folks that A.A.P.C.
> > Fans, and fellow poets, have come to agree
> > Sum up the great Donkey quite admirably.
> > And speaking of admirals, my sock-puppetry
> > Has been known the world over since two-oh-oh-three;
> > We shut down Georgia's Topix, me and General Z,
> > Made an internet wasteland of alt R.A.P.
> > And by great Pickle's ghost, I swear most solemnly
> > To be last Donkey standing when Eternity
> > Sounds out her last trumpet, indubitably
> > I'll be Saint Peter's strumpet, to hump constantly
> > Till my sins, expiated by butt-fuckery,
> > Are forgiven, and Heaven calls 'Willie Donkey!'
> >
> > "Then like camels through needles, I'll breach Heaven's door
> > And I'll stand before God like a two-dollar whore,
> > I'll say 'Bring it on, Big Guy,' till my butt's so sore
> > That I won't ever want to sit down anymore.
> >
> > "A Donkey gets sentimental:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Rochester says he's gonna buy my cherished home
> > and you and I will have no place to roam.
> > He'll get all my things like our bed and lice comb,
> > and the dirt in the back that with water will foam
> > with E. coli and ammonia and a dangerous zone
> > that may give him herpes and Stockholm Syndrome,
> > but for seven hundred bucks he can make this his own
> > and replicate our canine XXY chromosomes
> > and sell them to labs for a ZodWillZod palindrome
> > and he'll get DirtNap Dave's toy -- that wrecked bumper chrome
> > so how can I pay taxes on this sad honeycomb?
> > Would NorthGeorge pay for another crap tome?
> >
> > "If I had me se'en hundred dollars and change
> > I'd buy me the Donkery home on the range
> > Where the queer and the mendicant play.
> > And though it may seem strange
> > I soon would arrange
> > That the coffee be brewing all day.
> >
> > "But at this date, I haven't a cent to my name
> > And I've not had a cot since the last time you came
> > When you brought Dirty Mike as a third.
> > We done shattered my bed
> > When I's giving you head
> > And Mike cut loose and squeezed out a turd.
> >
> > "And the stench was so bad, it took all that we had
> > To refrain from discharging our lunch,
> > But with turd number two, we both let go and threw
> > Up all over the sheet till the turds
> > Was all buried beneath like the pomes I bequeath
> > To my kinfolk is buried in words.
> >
> > "Then we romped in the gunk like a Jordy in spunk
> > Till our junk was as limp as three wrists,
> > As we wallowed in spume, my poor cot went 'KABOOM!'
> > So we blamed it on those feminists
> > That the Russian guy claims are always to blame
> > For Covid, Al-Qaeda, and Trump;
> > But poor Dirty Mike got squashed flat as a bike
> > Tire when he landed south of my rump.
> >
> > "Now my bed is in shreds and I'm losing my shed
> > For back taxes I just cain't afford.
> > And my nemesis, Jim, wants to run my place in
> > With a backhoe truck put out by Ford.
> > Left with no place to stay, I'll soon be on my way
> > To go glamping by th'old Chattahootch;
> > You'll be my glamp frau and you'll bark 'Bow-wow-wow!'
> > While I make like I'm screwing the pooch.
> >
> > "And my family man-shed, dear Shay Donker-ay
> > Will low fallow for many a year.
> > The skunk grass will grow high and the cats will all die
> > While I cry like a ho in my beer.
> > I done sold DirtNap's truck and I don't give a fuck
> > 'Bout the prices of tea in Japan;
> > But before I lie dead, I just want an old shed
> > Where a Donkey can feel like a man.
> >
> > "A Donkey observes national holidays:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I can't relate to Labor Day --
> > I never had no job for pay
> > and DirtNap Dave done died away,
> > and I can't sleep -- just bray and bray.
> > I don't want work, just sing and play,
> > and people laugh at what I weigh,
> > and soon I'll have no place to stay,
> > and I have to walk to the buffet
> > at Safe House where they think I'm gay
> > because I wear Ma's dress and sway.
> > Donkeys choose the low way highway.
> >
> > "I don't have to work, Zod -- you just wait and see
> > For somewhere there's money just waiting for me;
> > There's handouts, welfare, disability,
> > There's busking and begging and housing that's free --
> > And people like Jim who feel sorry for me
> > I may even get social security
> > If Parnello's Pizza paid taxes for me.
> >
> > "So I'll just sit here like a wart on an ass
> > And spam-post the Usenet just like passing gas,
> > Delighting the world with how uncouth and crass
> > An unlettered Donkey can be when he has
> > Nothing but time on his hands and some sass…
> > And know like all troubles, that this too shall pass.
> >
> > "Regular exercise is good for Donkeys:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I sure do miss old DirtBag Dave's car.
> > Now I have to walk 10 miles to the bar,
> > and you must admit that distance is far
> > at night in shoes stuffed with broke Mason jars
> > as I carry my coffee pot and a few burned cigars.
> > I just order water and that's not so bizarre --
> > I may even bring my one-string guitar
> > to the open mic night and they'll hear a real star
> > and at LeGents I can wear my new lace peignoir,
> > but I'm still a large object on police radar.
> >
> > "For years you've been living the Bharma Dum life,
> > Glamping with artistes away from the strife
> > Of workplaces, families, houses, and cars;
> > And yet you still manage to frequent the bars
> > (Well the cheap liquor stores) every night.
> > Tell me how do you do it? This walking about?
> > When you've nothing to eat and your shoes are worn out --
> > And there's no Waffle Houses in sight?
> >
> > "A Donkey knows lexicons:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I think that Pendragon threw a hex
> > at Ma, DirtBag Dave and even that Mex-
> > ican who stole Kathy and all of the dex-
> > adrine I gave her so she'd work and I'd get sex
> > and Ma and Dirt died so I don't get their checks
> > and now I'm suffering from the awful effects
> > of starvation and that's affected my projects
> > just like in high school when I flunked all my subjects.
> >
> > "I'm going to have to take back my blue tarp,
> > It came from my roof, so you'd better not carp
> > Or harp on it like an old harpy from Greece.
> > It's not like my tarp's made of cotton or fleece!
> > You've been a good friend, but the night's getting cold
> > And shivering Donkeys need something to hold
> > To keep their ass warm, so I'm taking it back --
> > If you're good, you can snuggle up in my buttcrack."
> >
> > "A Donkey multi-tasks his body parts:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Disney Plus used my schnoz for Pinocchio's
> > since I lie and my nose just grows and grows.
> > They didn't want my dirty clothes
> > and crickets on using my brilliant prose
> > and they drew the line on my gnarly toes
> > that haven't seen shoes in heaven knows
> > when, but I don't regret no highs/all lows
> > in my life of fail, poor hygiene and hos,
> > since I smell you better with my elongated nose.
> >
> > "So come sail away to an island with me --
> > It's calle 'Pleasure Island' and passage is free,
> > It's the perfect vacation spot for you and me…
> > If you stay long enough, you become a Donkey;
> > With long ears and a snout and short, swishy tail
> > We can bugger schoolboys till they throw us in jail,
> > But we'll make our escape, go to see and set sail
> > And hope we don't get swallowed up by a whale.
> > I've seen the original Pinocchio, you see --
> > Read it just like a comic book, easy-peasy!
> > And there weren't even any subtitles, but gee
> > We can't read anyway, so what good would they be?
> >
> > "A Donkey does calisthenics:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I jump up and down like a rabid raccoon --
> > to get folks' attention, I may even moon
> > the ladies at church and they sigh and they swoon
> > when I read them my poems and do Conley-backed croons
> > or sell them my hand-drawn dirty cartoons.
> > No one on earth can say they're immune
> > to my art which looks like a well-used spittoon
> > or my talents which fit into half a teaspoon
> > and Jordy's Uncle melts when I say good afternoon.
> >
> > "I sing karaoke -- it's always a hit,
> > I squat down and strain like I'm takin' a shit,
> > The boys at LeGents all tell me I've got 'It,'
> > I hop up and down like I'm having a fit
> > And though there are haters who say I should quit
> > I know that they're jealous and just won't admit
> > That when it comes to talent, I've got half the wit
> > Of a twit doing splits in the orchestra pit.
> >
> > "I'm really quite limber as jackasses go,
> > I hop, skip and jump and I beat the bongo;
> > I bend over backward and suck on my toe…
> > Oh no! That's North George and he's ready to blow!
> > And so with apologies proffered to Mo
> > I crawl 'neath the bedsheets and say it ain't so…
> > Who'dda thunk that a Donkey could end up so low
> > As to fuck a Canuck like a three-dollar ho?"
> >
> > "A Donkey saves the last dance:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I can dance so fast that my feet will start fires;
> > My Pinocchio wood is pine and requires
> > No match to inflame -- I make my own pyre,
> > And I advertise as an arsonist for hire,
> > But now my finances are scarily dire
> > Even for me, who was born in the mire
> > Of Columbus, a town that's due to expire,
> > And that handsome Rochester has started to inquire
> > About buying the town and my house, that Esquire,
> > Who's talented and manly and never perspires,
> > But I sweat so much that I've drowned ten church choirs,
> > But you've got to admit that there's tons to admire
> > About me and my talent for inflating tires
> > Without a machine, just a blowing desire,
> > And unlike you, I will never retire
> > Since my fans know I'm their poem supplier,
> > But I'll always be your day and night pacifier,
> > And when I light my farts, I don't need a purifier,
> > So that also acts as a redneck clothes dryer.
> >
> > "I dance on the bar at LeGents every night,
> > The local boys say I'm a helluva a sight
> > For sore eyes, that is, cause my pants are so tight.
> > I dance and I prance like a real little boy
> > Toy, I shimmy and shake, make the hoi polloi
> > Who frequent LeGents 'Squee!' at me in their joy.
> > I don't button my shirt, so my man boobs hang free,
> > They sway back a forth for the whole bar to see
> > And get filmed on my gizmo by Ellen Horny.
> > The boys love my beard and my gray Brillo hair
> > They holler and hoot at me, call me a bear,
> > I must scare them off because none of them dare
> > To stick bills in my G-string or ask me to share
> > A beer with them, though I should make it quite clear
> > I don't drink anymore, but I'm up for a beer.
> >
> > "A Donkey discovers the source of denial:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you ever make love to a Donkey in a yurt?
> > I know that you usually do it in the dirt,
> > But a Donkey can bray and kick up and spurt.
> > I spell it spirt but that just makes me pert
> > To the sheep and the goats and the rats when I flirt
> > With the barnyard creatures or take an upskirt
> > Picture at LeGents where no one is hurt
> > If the sex is consensual when I take off my shirt
> > And show that I'm wild and not a pervert,
> > But we always have to be on alert
> > For the cops to arrive and then I revert
> > To a Donkey on stage just doing concerts
> > And the spotlight's on me, a true extrovert,
> > And I'll feature you too, as my River Dessert.
> >
> > "Yeah, I've cornholed cows and I gave a horse head
> > I've choked a goat's chicken and boned dogs in bed,
> > I've diddled a duck and goosed gaggles of geese
> > I raped I rug rat till he called the police,
> > I've shtuped oodles of poodles and sodomized sheep
> > I once buggered a bull when I caught him asleep,
> > I've reamed rabbits, creamed chickens, porked ponies and pigs
> > I've humped heifers, boinked beagles, boffed bands during gigs,
> > I've banged One-Drum Derundo, scarfed piles of shit
> > Backdoored Rachel onstage where it scored a big hit,
> > Pounded bloodhounds, felched gerbils, pumped pussycat fur
> > Rumpy-pumped Jordy's Uncle, he's a connoisseur
> > When it comes to pig poking, gob gobbling and such,
> > (Although nailing his nephew I think a bit much),
> > I've spanked wankers, wanked spankers, what else can I say?
> > Except that I'm bummed cause my son, Clay, is gay.
> >
> > "A Donkey considers his physique:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > My priapism's giving me awful malaise.
> > I haven't been able to eat for 10 days,
> > and I can't walk to town with my dick all upraised,
> > and Donkeys get screwed, not stand there and graze,
> > but you and Mike float in the river sideways
> > and Sandjobs are free only on 1st Sundays.
> > Can you give me a hand and not haha and gaze?
> > This is serious business 'cause what if it stays
> > pointed to Heaven or that dirt grave of Dave's,
> > and Ibish is writing a crappy essay
> > about my old pants and is heaping on praise
> > for their tent shape (so manly) and I paraphrase.
> >
> > "Old Ibish is fishin' for handjobs, himself
> > Tired of bangin' the books on the library shelf,
> > The students all say he's a jolly old elf
> > Whose sexual motto is 'Do it yerself.'
> > Ilya says to pretend I'm massaging my gut
> > Or pluckin' a dingle from off'n my butt,
> > The cops couldn't nail me fer doin' you-know-what
> > Though the students all think that I'm some kinda nut.
> > But handjobs or Sandjobs, my man-nuts are sore
> > And I can't afford me no two-dollar whore,
> > So I'll just sit in front of Dollar Tree store
> > And salute passersby like they was in the Corps.
> >
> > "A Donkey considers relocating.
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I visit London in a trance
> > and wedgied Dance's underpants.
> > You grow those marijuana plants
> > for me to smoke while I still rant
> > against all drugs and smokes and prance
> > about sans job and no finance
> > and can't get no lousy cash advance
> > to pay the tax on Ma's old manse
> > so I have to sell off your Rembrandts
> > 'cause Jordy's Uncle now recants,
> > won't send me dollars -- sycophant!
> > and those subtitles will help me thrive in France.
> >
> > "The Frenchies will love me, they'll call me 'très gay!'
> > As I twerk my tuchus for work and for play,
> > I'll trot up and down the ol' Champs-Élysées
> > (I'll prance like a brony, with lessons from Clay)
> > I'll dance the can-can if they're willing to pay
> > Jacques will shout 'Enchanté!' every time that I bray.
> >
> > "A Donkey scrambles his letters:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I just now lost on jepurdy
> > 'cause I can't spel that jipirdy.
> > I don't know a from o or e
> > or even what that japerdee
> > means when I write geperdy
> > to ask Jordy's Uncle for cash for me
> > and I'm in double jepurrdey
> > since nine times I flunked the GED.
> > I don't know Final Joeperty
> > and how do you spel that pohetree?
> >
> > "Well I never cud spel, but that's ok with me
> > Cuz I gets up on stage to bray my pohetree;
> > An' there ain't no sub-tight-els fer fern'ers to see
> > Or to read like a comic book on a movie.
> > I cain't say where all of my old schoolin' went
> > An' I can't make a dent in composin' a sent-
> > ence, but still I considers my school days well-spent
> > Becuz George Dance will swear that he knowed what I meant.
> >
> > "A Donkey examines his ancestry:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > You know I'm Native American Muscogee
> > and African American but mostly just Donkey
> > since I don't know no languages 'cept for South Honky
> > and singing my poems, and I look like a monkey
> > since my beady little eyes make me look wonky
> > and my ears make me fly when I'm singing honky-tonky
> > but I'm also Egyptian and my sign is an ankh key.
> >
> > "I'm also part Mexican, Italian and French
> > but you know that each time that my ass cheeks you clench
> > and I shout 'Oui, Oui' despite your great stench
> > and your hunger for me you daily will quench,
> > for your lips and no teeth make you my wench.
> >
> > "For the stench of a wench is a wonderful smell
> > And I say without pretense I know that smell well,
> > But the stankiest skanks, I'm delighted to say
> > All hail from Shitholeville, Columbus, GA --
> > There's Japoonic Joolie, and sweet Lady K,
> > There's Lisa the Dank Queen (I think she was gay),
> > And Sarah whose Donkeytits are on display
> > At the local Bait shop where the customers pay
> > For feel or a squeeze -- anything is O.K. --
> > Be it hand-jobs or boob jobs or just a straight lay,
> > Cuz I'm Sarah's pimp and I need me some hay…
> > But if backdoor's your thing, I'll refer you to Clay.
> >
> > "Yes, the stench of a wench is a glorious smell
> > And a wench stench is one stench on which I must dwell
> > But my pud is a mudworm, a brown belt fudge fiend,
> > A real honky-tonk donkey-punching machine
> > Always stirring the pudding (you know what I mean)
> > Ankle-grabbing log splitter, the queen of the scene.
> > And we Brokeback poo-noodlers are bound to confess
> > That of all of life's stenches, men stench is the best --
> > So come on, General Zod, bare your bum bum for me
> > And I'll breathe in your odor as gay as can be,
> > Blast your Karma Bomb fart grenade full on my face,
> > Let you twink stink envelope me like divine grace
> > As your Japanese astronaut blasts into space…
> > Yessir men stench beats wench stench, beyond any doubt
> > But my Donkey-butt's sore, pull your astronaut out.
> >
> > "A Donkey refreshes his wardrobe:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > My shoes wore out so I'm wearing my Ma's
> > stilettos, flip flops and pink mules that Pa
> > loved and would say, 'Ooh, La La, La'
> > when Ma would parade in just those and her bra,
> > which I wear now too and you drool all in awe
> > of my 99zzzz moobs which roll, pitch and yaw
> > when we play airplane and I yell 'Hee Hee Haw!'
> > But I'm dressed real smart in my bonnet of straw
> > which covers my ears and my eyes and my jaw.
> >
> > "You root in my pants for Deep South pâté de foie gras
> > and you drink from my lake navel using a straw,
> > since I wear Ma's panties that smell like fish slaw
> > and no one can tell us that it's against the law
> > for us to wear Ma's clothes or sleep in the raw
> > in the streets of the town where we beg and you saw
> > how the cops reacted to my nudes that you draw
> > every day at the river where we are bourgeois,
> > and I wear Ma's skirt made of 1000 chihuahuas.
> >
> > "We flounce down the street like a pair of old queens
> > I'm draped in your tent while you sport Goodwill jeans
> > The folks passing by think we make quite a scene
> > With your shoe polished scruff and your hygiene routine
> > Of a bath in the river or a Greyhound latrine;
> > While I twist some t.p. till it looks like a bow
> > Then spit paste it coyly on top of my 'fro;
> > Two Bohemian Bharma Dums rocking Skid Row --
> > We've no bread for threads, but still give quite a show!
> >
> > "And all of the kids at P.S. 43
> > Come down from the playground to watch you and me
> > In flagrante delicto (what e'er that may be)
> > As we pull out our willies but don't mean to pee.
> > The cops tell us to get a room and a bed
> > But bumming won't pay for a roof o'er our head,
> > So we go for improvisation instead
> > Tush-pushing in bushes bulls fear to tread.
> > And for tush-pushing bushes the best bush around
> > Is the bush on the side of the grade school playground,
> > Where the cops keep their distance while kids come to see
> > And get lessons in sex education for free.
> >
> > ""A Donkey comes clean about his dating life:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I have been taking daily Orgone showers,
> > which will boost my sexual energy powers.
> > I don't use water but just dirt, which scours
> > away all the gunk that is yours, mine and ours.
> >
> > "And my mind has two chambers but I'm not bi-
> > cameral since I really only like guys
> > like you, Jordy's Uncle and pervert Barfly
> > and the men at the truck stop with their hunky fat thighs.
> >
> > "We could go out to dinner on your EBT card,
> > and you'll be the lady and I'll be the Bard.
> > We could go to get tacos with a big side of lard,
> > or a rack of rat ribs that you cook until charred
> > and no problem with bones since we will discard
> > all the garbage in your camp which is a junkyard
> >
> > too and we'll do a threesome with Ma's St. Bernard.
> >
> > "A bicameral brain is a wonderful thing
> > For crack heads like me who need something to cling
> > To whenever folks say that I've got half a wit
> > Because now I can claim that they're all full of shit
> > For bicameral minds, though they seem a bit odd
> > Are the means by which ancient Greeks talked with their gods;
> > And the Greeks had bicameral wits just like me
> > But they still wrote the world's oldest known poetry
> > And one doesn't require much brain to construe
> > That my half-witted wit means I'm a poet, too!
> >
> > "But the best part of all I'll confide in you, Zod
> > Is that as my own Muse I am therefore a god!
> > And I sing my own verses and write them all down
> > And post them on the Usenet, and get called a clown
> > Cause I'm dumb, fat and ugly and have a brown stain
> > On the butt of my trousers (I crapped 'em again)
> > When Pendragon caught me in another big lie…
> > He caught me! I'm screwed, but I still have to try
> > To pretend it didn't happen, I'll whine and deflect
> > Until newbies who come here will never suspect
> > That I've trolled AAPC for twenty-odd years
> > And so it is worth all my whines, kicks and tears
> > For when men from the future discover this group
> > They'll see that my poems are not donkey poop
> > But word soup that only Mensa minds can digest
> > Like my editor, George Dance, who thinks I'm the best
> > Hand-job (oops!) I mean poet, and therefore I'm blessed
> > For posterity cannot help but be impressed
> > By the praises heaped on me by you and G.D.
> > I'll be big as the Beatles -- Oh, just wait and see!
> > The future is coming -- THE FUTURE IS ME!!!"
> >
> > "A Donkey reveals his innermost thoughts:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > My phone is taking over my life.
> > It substitutes words and might be my wife,
> > and it's causing me shame, bed-wetting and strife,
> > so I'd kill myself but how d'you spel nife?
> >
> > "And I'm attracted to that NG, ME and Ash,
> > but If I make a pass at Ash, he's sure to bash
> > in my head like you did with Dave's pipe slash
> > and I think that NG goes through my trash
> > to find secrets I have on how I get cash
> > and she'd find the tubes for my bad diaper rash
> > and ME could trounce moi without batting a lash.
> >
> > "Would you mind if I cheated with Jordy's Uncle and the Canuck?
> > I feel like my international borders are stuck
> > among the Netherlands, Deep South and old dump trucks,
> > and I do miss that fine old pervert Chuck
> > but you can't blame me for wanting to make a buck
> > 'cause you don't pay me for services like for Ma's pet duck
> > that I let you date and he could no longer cluck
> > when you returned him to me all covered with guck.
> >
> > "Now a dick in a duck's worth a dime and a buck
> > But as you got no moola, I'm shit outta luck,
> > Now I'm giving it back, 'cause the poor thing won't quack
> > It'll make a good snack if you give it a pluck.
> >
> > "On one thing I depend, you're a friend to the end
> > To my back end, that is, when you give it a fuck,
> > And I'm treating you good, fresh roast duckling for food
> > And a chicken for pickin that needs a good pluck.
> >
> > "I am willing to share, but my barnyard is bare,
> > Got no chickens, no ducklings, not even a rat,
> > But Thanksgiving is nigh, and I'll send my reply
> > To your invite for dinner of roast feral cat.
> >
> > "A Donkey gets stuffed:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Thanksgiving Day sure is coming up fast,
> > and I'm thankful to think of my drug and drink past
> > that I write about daily, though no one has asked,
> > about me as the hero and Romeo cast
> > as the suave ladies' man who was having a blast,
> > even though I've been vilified, beaten and sassed,
> > by NG and ME, though they know not the vast
> > repository of knowledge that you and I gassed
> > when we went to Waffle House for our freebie repast.
> > But your RatCatDog showpiece, never half-assed --
> > how you cook them so tender, SVPCA is aghast --
> > and I'll devour six drumsticks, four breasts and flabbergast
> > all the Puritans, Indians, bums and outcasts
> > and set the record straight as the dinner is passed
> > to the shed, on Twitter, Instagram and simulcast
> > to prove on Thanksgiving that my crap's unsurpassed.
> >
> > "Our Thanksgiving Dinner was one for the books
> > Folks would be surprised how fast feral cat cooks;
> > We stuffed it with bread from behind Au Bon Pain,
> > The Bharma Dumb rulebook says 'Scrounge what you can'
> > From the cans and the dumpsters, the river, the dump
> > For as Dirty Mikes says, the rats grow big and plump
> > On the refuse we re-use to keep ourselves fed --
> > And there's no spice like mice spice for stuffing, it's said
> > Up and down Chattahoochee where Bharma Dumbs roam
> > (And I'm soon to become one when my family home
> > Goes to auction for back-taxes I can't afford).
> >
> > "Still I feel I'm in luck when your improved 'turducken'
> > (Said RatCatDog showpiece I'd mentioned before)
> > Stuffed with all sorts of muck that has everyone suckin'
> > Their greasy bum fingers and begging for more,
> > Is just fruit for the pluckin,' while our soup du jour
> > Might taste a bit brackish, and look somewhat blackish
> > It's one tasty package that tickles your gums.
> > Our Thanksgiving dinner was really a winner
> > And quite the delight of the hobos and bums
> > We partook of our feast like a ravenous beast
> > -- In their wild feeding frenzy, one bit off my thumb! --
> > But the smiles on their faces erased any traces
> > Of anger or vengeance -- let His will be done.
> >
> > "And now that it's over, and November's sun
> > Doth shine down on our heads like a 'thanks' from above,
> > Turn your gaze up and down 'long the old river's shore
> > Where the fatted bums lie as they burp, belch and snore
> > And thank God in His Heaven for banquets like these
> > As we puff our cigar stubs while taking our ease
> > And we list to the crow-songs that waft on breeze
> > Over landfills and valleys, past smokestacks and trees,
> > Shed a tear for the suckers with families to feed
> > For the Bharma Dumb's life is a blessed one, indeed
> > As the good Lord provides us with all that we need
> > So we'll pick at our scabs, and we'll smile as we bleed
> > And give holiday thanks for His undying love.
> > "A Donkey considers his DNA results:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > You know my Ma was a tough old bird.
> > On Thanksgiving Day she would fake having GERD,
> > then straddle the turkey and scream out curse words
> > about me and Dave, and the rest was just slurred
> > on dogs and love and what had occurred
> > when she found the Great Dane had gone, been transferred
> > to an animal shelter, on which he concurred,
> > since living with her had produced a poor herd
> > of mongrel male mutants (Dave was the third),
> > but she did not want us and that was absurd,
> > since our ears and tails were long and ensured
> > that Great Dane dad's genes would be the preferred
> > look for the Donkeys unless men were lured
> > to stand in for canines, but all have demurred.
> > "When Ma died, the dog pounds, for miles around
> > Were rife with the howling, of mutt, whelp, and hound,
> > The mongrels in mourning kicked up such a din
> > To drown out the whorehouse, where locked fast in sin,
> > Sarah Donkeytits' moans had been heard far and wide --
> > Every day 'cept that morning when Ma up an' died.
> > The Great Dane's complaints were heartbreaking, it's true
> > (What heart can hear Scooby-Doo 'boo-hoo-hooh-hoo?'),
> > While the sounds from the Bloodhound rang mournful and sad,
> > The Bulldog just muttered that he was my dad;
> > But the truth is that somewhere in back of the barn
> > Ma danced with the Donkeys on grandfatther's farm;
> > And it's said that my long ears and stubborn streak come
> > From my daddy the Donkey, as dumbass as dumb
> > As the dumbest horse heinie you ever did see --
> > But the dumbest dumbass on the planet is me!
> >
> > "It's always good to be the best at something."
> > -- Will Donkey, "The Shadowville Mythos: Ode to My Slurp-puppet"
> Splendid and true! What will the new year bring to the Ode?