And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.

And here's where you can find The Flame Wars as well as other
LNH Crossovers:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Crossovers/

And it's The Flame Wars Again! (The first of a number of Flame Wars
Crossovers that are also called Flame Wars)!

We have The Flame Wars #3 by Mike "Zen" Caprio! Mike as far as LNH
writing went was involved with the first two Flame War Crossovers
and wrote a first issue of Insanity Watch, which was a spinoff of the
Flame Wars II and then kind of disappeared after that.

Will, "WHAT IS THIS, CHRISTMAS?" become CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE's new
catch phrase?! Will Grammar Lad show Spelling Boy how to use a
comma?! And is it time for Pointless Death Man to do what he does
best?!!

Find out in...

_
| | Classic
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES

ADVENTURES #292

=====================
The Flame Wars Part Three
=====================

CHAPTER THREE

by Zen (mikecap@wpi.wpi.edu)

"Caught Between a Rock and a Hardcase"

_________________________________________________________________

*********************
* SOMEWHERE ELSE... *
*********************

A barren rocky landscape, surrounded by craters and scorched
earth, lays disturbingly quiet. It is just before dawn, and
small tentacles of sunlight slowly edge their way across the
turgid plain...

There is a valley among this bleak terrain, and small wisps of
mist crawl along its floor in the thin atmosphere. At the edges
of the valley, at the tops of the surrounding hills, stand two
armies - one clothed in red, one clothed in green. The
commanders of each force bark commands at their troops, and the
garrisons run screaming down the sides...

Suddenly, there was a blinding yellow flash in the floor of the
valley! Figures began to materialize in the light...

"What the devil!?!?" shouted Cliche Dude.
The LNH appeared on the scene, right in the path of the two
armies. Most of the Legion stumbled drunkenly about in the
disorientation of the teleport beam. Bad-Timing Boy looked
around, and just happened to notice the two screaming hordes
about to descend upon them.
"I think we're in trouble..." said B-TB, right on cue.

(Insert sound effect of a large mass of people crashing into each
other)

The Legion was swamped by the mob of red and green, mashed on
all sides by the opposing forces.
"WHAT IS THIS, CHRISTMAS!!??!" yelled CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE, as he
smashed in what was once the face of a green soldier.
"Obscure Trivia Lad doesn't recognize these guys!" shouted
Obscure Trivia Lad over the din. "They must be new characters or
something!" Just as he finished his observation, Organic Lass
materialized 20 gallons of ethanol above some hapless red
soldier. Sparks flew from the soldier's frame, and he very
impolitely exploded, catching OL in the blast.
"They're robots!" screamed Multi-Tasking Lad, who just barely
avoided a bone-crushing blow, delivered one himself, and wrote a
chapter in his new autobiography.
"Robots! Why in my day, we battled real, living villains! None
of this fancy-pants android stuff! Blazes, when we did battle
robots, they were at least fifty feet tall, and exploded
impossibly huge gears when you hit them!" espoused Old Comics
Man, causing several of the mechanical fiends to keel over, while
Typo Lad transmogrified several robots into rabbits.
The incredibly pointless and gruesome battle carried on for at
least five minutes, when suddenly, both sides of the conflict
retreated up the sides of the valley. The LNHers chased after
the extremely callous antagonists who had just picked up and left
in the middle of a fight, some breaking off and chasing the red
robots, some trailing after the green.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU CHICKENS!" ejaculated CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE
rather proudly, as he bounded after the red army.
"Wait for me!" cried Bandwagon Chick, as she swept forth to
join the bold hero.
"This way!" cried Obscure Trivia Lad as he chased after a group
of not-too-happy green robots. Organic Lass collected her
now-sizzling self and followed her commandeering companion, along
with Bad-Timing Boy, Old Comics Man, Sardonic Boy, Comics-Snob
Boy, Allusion Lad, and Sing Along Lass. At the other side of the
hill, Multi-Tasking Man, Occultism Kid (who had just come out of
a mystic trance), Parking Karma Lad (who somehow found a parking
spot on this barren world), Procrastination Kid (who was putting
off the battle for later), Kid Frothing-At-The-Mouth, and
Adamant-Authority-On-Everything joined the now receding CAPTAIN
CAPITALIZE and co.
Typo Lad, Cliche Dude, Irony Man, Pompous Lad, Grammer Lad,
Cheesecake-Eater Lad, Invisible Incendiary and Spelling Boy were
all feeling very confused and indecisive following the extremely
strange and exceedingly short battle. In strangely teamwork-like
fashion, they formed two lines - one consisting of CD, SB, IM,
and II (though nobody saw him), and the other of GL, PL, C-EL,
and TL. Cliche Dude produced a coin he kept for just such an
emergency, called heads, and flipped it. It of course came up
tails.
"We'll tkake CATAPIN CAPITULLISE's sseide," spoke Typo Lad.
"AAAARRRGGGHHH!" said Spelling Boy "They always get to pick!"
"There's no comma necessary, Spelling Boy!" cried Grammar Lad,
rather upset at the minor grammatical error.
"Why don't you spell your name right _Grammer_ Lad! Phlbbpth!"
Spelling Boy's tongue popped out and wiggled at the shocked
Grammer Lad.
"Well I never!" Grammer Lad turned off and headed in the
direction of the retreating red army, along with the rest of his
group.
"Serves him right. Let's go, guys." Spelling Boy's group
trotted off after the rest of the LNH, scrambling up the side of
the hill as quickly as they could manage.

Captain Cleanup surveyed the damage, scanning all the broken
and smashed robot parts that littered the valley clear to the
horizon, and shook his head sadly. He produced a broom from some
hidden compartment on his person and began to sweep.
Behind one of the protruding boulders not too far away, a
mysterious figure looked outward, trying to decide which group to
follow. Background Boy stepped out from the shadows and moved
on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
****************
* MEANWHILE... *
****************

CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE and his team stepped up onto the bluff's
surface, and peered around the immediate area. Instantly, they
noticed the large wounded group of red robot soldiers and their
impossibly huge commanding officer. The LNHers stood agape as
the seven-foot tall Rambo clone pushed aside his robotic troops
and made his way towards them.
"Can I hellp you peeple wis zomething?" the CO asked in a
slightly Austrian accent, seeming slightly perturbed about the
damage caused to his troops. "Why have you come to zis world?
Who are you? Anzwer me now, or I vill be forsed to break you..."
Pompous Lad peered from behind the CAPTAIN's bulky bod, and was
about to say something, when suddenly Multi-Tasking Man popped
before the group, finished his needlepoint, and began writing a
treatise on the impending danger of global warming when he began
to speak:
"We have come here at the behest of the all-powerful Editors!
We seek audience with the Collector! Do you know him?"
The military behemoth seemed disappointed and confused,
obviously
saddened that he would not get the opportunity to test his
strength against these strange foes.
"Ja. He ees my general. I take you to him now."
With that, he grabbed Multi-Tasking Man and lifted him over his
head as the rest of the Legion looked on, stupified. The now
very bewildered hero was too stunned to say anything, so he
decided to just enjoy the ride.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Obscure Trivia Lad and his team climbed over their side of the
mesa, harkening to the sounds of much thrashing going on at the
top. When they reached the surface, they immediately took in a
brutal sight. A woman in army surplus coveralls was hurling
nasty and vindictive slurs at one of the green soldiers while
beating it vehemently with a wet towel. The robot of course took
no notice, not being able to feel pain, but the woman seemed to
be enjoying herself.
The group stood stunned and unable to move, when Bad-Timing Boy
spoke.
"Geez, what a hardcase."
The woman's head whipped around. She stared at the young hero
with daggers in her cold eyes, and began to move towards the
group.
Irony Man's irony detector began to beep wildly. He looked
down at the detector and his eyes went wide.
"That's her name..." he whispered.
The military nightmare stood before them in all her frigid
glory.
"That is my name. What do you wish?" She spoke in ice-laden
tones, and brandished her wet towel, ready to whip anyone she
chose if she felt like it. "Well? Speak up! Are you the fools
who opposed my army?"
"We come in peace..." said Cliche Dude, who slowly backed away
from the approaching woman.
"Actually, we're looking for the Collector," said Bad-Timing
Boy before anyone could stop him.
With lightning speed and a loud "AH HA!", the woman called
Hardcase whipped him with all of her might, knocking the foolish
young hero silly.
"So, you are spies sent to destroy my master, the Speculator!"
"No, we're not, really!" cried Obscure Trivia Lad, who really
didn't want to get hit with that towel.
Just then, an unseen thought bubble appeared over Hardcase's
head, and she thought: "I cannot trust these fools. I will take
them to the Speculator; he will know what to do with them."
"You will come with me. I will take you to the master..."